


An Angel in a Leather Jacket

by superasia8



Category: Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Blood and Violence, Bullying, Emotional Manipulation, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Kiss, Homophobic Language, Knives, M/M, Making Out, Punk/Pastel, Slurs, Strangers to Lovers, Swearing, pastel!dan, punk!phil
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-29 10:23:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 68,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6371110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superasia8/pseuds/superasia8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An argument starts it all. Hell comes after for Dan Howell, the school pastel boy. He only wanted to help, but got backstabbed in the end. From a safe position in the school hierarchy, Dan is up to neck in an affair he never had and starts finding threats in his locker. He needs someone on his side if he wants to make it to the end of high school. A mysterious punk boy promises him protection. The condition Dan needs to meet, though, is far from normal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there, superasia8 speaking!  
> I wanted to celebrate a few achievements in a way that won't be only me thanking you, saying how amazing it is to be a part of such friendly fandom, and so on and on. I decided to write something and this idea popped into my mind. This is a child which was born from me mashing few interesting write prompts together after asking myself; 'and what if it got to this...'  
> I'm really close to hitting 500 kudos, we've gotten to 10k hits, which is amazing because I'd never think not a native speaker like me could get to anything above one or ten; I'll be also reaching 100k word count as this story progresses. All on AO3. Thank you for all the love and support <3  
> I also want to give big thanks to my friend for looking over this story and checking for any wild random typos <3  
> And now read. I hope you enjoy :)

"Bastard!"

Dan ducked down from the thrown heel, unconsciously hiding his head in his pastel sweater. Eyes wide, he stared at the small, petite blonde girl in front of him.

"You were never there!", Ellie shouted. Her eyes shone with anger and her balled fists spoke for themselves. She was very much damn angry. Dan had never heard someone speak so loud.

"Oh, so it is my fault now, huh?" came a retort from behind him.

"You wouldn't even have time for me! Didn't consider it'd be good to call!"

Her hair moved up and down as she bent on the floor of the hall. Upon finding nothing else, she grabbed one of the books from her bag. A Geography coursebook in her hand was ready to be launched in Dan's direction.

"I swear to God you're the most annoying on this planet!” yelled Rob, his friend, who stood behind him."I told you- I told you so many times I've called! It's not my fault your phone is shit!"

At that the girl's expression flashed with fury. She threw the book at the men's heads. Dan ducked down, the book missing him mere centimeters. He thought deep down that soon enough, he'd gain so much practice, the movement would become an unconditional reflex.

Dan took a step forward, now properly stepping in between the fighting couple.

"Guys, please stop-," he were to say _'fighting'_ and would more likely add _'making a scene'_ in his mind, but the blonde cut him off.

"This dick here," she barked, pointing an accusative finger at Rob, "neglects his girlfriend! And I'm not speaking here about the usual, _'forgot to pick you up'_ or _'I didn't realise our three-year anniversary was coming up'_ kind. No, I'm speaking of something so much more annoying and offending! I'm speaking of forgetting about calling his girlfriend for a _month!_ ", she fumed, barely keeping herself in place.

Dan raised his hands, attempting to get the couple to stay away from each other. He didn't think he was that strong to hold down a hearty and his really badly pissed off girlfriend at the same time.

"Guys, guys! Just listen out each other, okay?", he shouted, hoping it would work and, yes, it did. Two pair of eyes fixed on him and he breathed a sigh of relief. He had to stop the two from fighting, because God knew they would tear each other to shreds if he didn't.

"You Ellie, you were away, right?" The girl nodded shortly, her hard stare not leaving Rob's. "You have been on an exchange program, away in France, am I right?" Another nod and the girl's deathly gaze faltered a little. "And Rob, he didn't call you at all, for all this time?"

Ellie hissed, "Not a damn time."

"It's not my fault-!" his friend began explaining and as he got closer, Dan took his opportunity and kicked him in the ankle to silence him. Rob cursed but shut up at last.

"International calls are pretty expensive, don't you think? And have we all forgotten about how Rob got himself into a fight which ended in him being cut off Internet, his phone _and_ even his old playstation?", he spoke, only now registering the circle of people gathered around the three of them. News in Mayfield High School spread with a speed of light and even sometimes, it outruns it. The last thing Dan wanted was his friend's break-up a hot topic on everyone's tongues. And if they did break up, the news would be heard by everyone in the school even before the morning paper would come out.

"He fought for your good name, Ellie. Rob smashed Rick's nose for a good cause."

_'That's what I've heard'_ , he added in his mind.

The blonde girl looked Dan down, as though he was only a child who still believed in fairytales and Santa Claus.

"Oh, Danny," she said, laughing bitterly and Dan gritted his teeth at the nickname. She stepped toward him and stopped, uncomfortably close and looming over his low frame, dressed in a pink pastel sweater, light blue jeans and a flowercrown on his head. Dan has never felt so small before.

" _If_ Rob hasn't done something much worse, I'd easily forgive him neglecting me. Even for a whole month!," she added with pressure and the girls around whispered to each other.

"I- I don't get it," Dan stammered, and suddenly he felt as though the crowd was cornering him. He glanced at Rob behind him, attention whom was focused on the floor. Dan blinked.

"I could easily forgive if Rob Hugh Spencer hasn't cheated on me behind my back!", she explained, turning her head toward the accused.

Dan didn't register her words at first. When the message reached his brain though, his eyes went wide and he looked back and forth between the two.

"Rob? But- You can't just-"

Most people were incredulous, gesturing wildly, their eyes beaming with, partly alleviated now, hunger for a new topic to gossip about. Only the tall dark boy leaning on the school locker remained silent and unmoving. Away from the crowd, he stood with two others who looked as bored as one could be.

Dan turned to his friend, an old pal he thought he knew so well. He looked for some confirmation it was true. His friend's head, hanging low in shame, seemed to be an enough answer.

"Rob? You didn't- Oh God..." he whispered, stepping back from the couple till his back met the locker.

It was as though everyone suddenly disappeared, there was no Rob and no Ellie. No outsiders looking for a story to feast on and start a whole ton of new rumors about. No fights, no break-ups, no couples. He couldn't believe how Rob could cheat on Ellie. They have been together for around three years, seemed inseparable, perfect and in harmony being together. This must be a nightmare.

"Give me your phone," snapped Dan back into the present.

Ellie stood, one hand on her hip, and palm outstretched and opened. A sheen of sweat broke out on Rob's forehead. He stammered for a good explanation.

"Ellie, it's not what you think it is...," he told with a sickly sweet voice. The girl scowled.

"Are you out of your mind? I know exactly what it looks like. I've seen you text someone repetitively, I've been told you've been texting someone repetitively and I know you've been doing it. Don't even bother with hiding, just give me your phone so I know who is the bitch who doesn't have any fucking morals and steals someone's boyfriend!", she ended with a high note, glowering at her soon-to-be-ex boyfriend.

Dan hesitated as he took one step, but decided he needed to get in between the two. The last thing they needed was a fight. And so he took a second, and another one and another step, being in a fighting couple sandwich in a matter of seconds.

"Ellie, you know the truth, okay, you don't have to see the evidence of this...", Dan struggled with finding a word which would give away the meaning well, "You don't need to see the messages, as well. Ellie, it's for the better. I'm sure you wouldn't really want to read them-"

"Oh, hell I do," she said, crossing her arms in front of herself, seemingly keen to know everything. Dan didn't think that would do her any good. Just another reason to bawl her eyes out.

"Ellie, Dan's right, let's just stop, this is pointless...", agreed Rob, stepping forward, near Ellie. The girl squinted her eyes as Rob looked at her expectantly. The whole crowd remained silent as well, waiting for the outcome.

Ellie's features softened and she smiled at Rob, nodding. Dan's pal returned it, albeit weakly and he was just about to walk off or turn around, Dan couldn't tell for sure, when Ellie leaned down and snatched Rob's smartphone away from him.

Ellie was furiously skimming over the messages in her ex's phone. Rob stood rooted to the place but then he was screaming at his ex, gesturing aggresively. In all that ruckus, was Dan, the pastel boy who would rather eat his cereal and watch stars in the night than work out, now trying to stop his well build friend from jumping on Ellie.

The girl was looking up at Rob from time to time, a victorious smile playing on her lips. That was, until she froze. Her jaw clenched, but tears welled up in her eyes. She crinkled her nose as she spat out,

"You've been fucking your best friend?"

The people stopped their chatters momentarily.

The laughs died down.

Dan mumbled, "What."

Even the tall dark boy and his band seemed to lean in, interested.

"You've been fucking him?," she asked, pointing at Dan. The brunet felt light-headed.

"You've been fucking that stupid pastel freak for all this time?!", she demanded, her fists balled by her sides and Dan thought a figure by the lockers slipped and barely face planted into the floor. Dan shrank and took a step back, not knowing what to do. He would like to know how did he suddenly became his best friend's lover.

" _Danny_ , it says," she read out the contact and his legs felt like rubber, his world seemed to spin around him. "I've known he's a faggot, but you, Rob? Really? After all this time?", each time she shook the phone in Rob's face, who seemed to be a few shades paler. Dan's heart was pounding, he could hear his own heartbeat in his ears. He felt close to tears.

He could easily explain it was just a joke, an ordinary swap of the contact names, a silly joke. But there was no force on this world that would help him rewind Ellie's words. Because now everyone knew, they knew his secret, they knew who he was and there was no way to change it.

Several things happened. People went crazy as Ellie's fist connected with his face, almost making Dan topple backwards. A big rustle of everyone getting excited with the fight and there was Rob at the edge of his vision, terrified as well as Dan gave him a meaningful look. Because Dan knew, he knew very well who truly was behind that number, who was Rob's lover and Ellie's hated person. Oh, if she knew.

Head pounding, cheek pulsing and world swimming from the tears, or the blow, Dan stood shocked and terrified of what was to come next.

Someone whistled, probably to congratulate on such strong hit, someone shouted, "Do it again!", another person was taking pictures for who knows what reason. Surely not as an evidence if the crowd decided to stump Dan's face into a plump. Dan wondered if the concerned look he caught from one of the students was real or was it merely his imagination.

"Ellie...", he whispered with his throat squeezed so tight, his voice came out sounding like he ate gravel. "This isn't- it's not me, this is an understanding, please, believe me. I give you my word and, and Rob can acknowledge it's not like that... Rob? Rob?!", he called out hopefully, but as he turned around there was no sight of his friend.

He looked around frantically, his eyes landing on the tall dark boy once again. He stood much closer now, towering over the rest of the people, a strong charismatic individual with tattoos, no one even dared to push in on him. Yet, there was a barrier he seemed unable to cross; the distance and other people. He seemed to be trying to move forward through the crowd. Dan didn't have much time to look into the stranger's face as another slap, or what he'd rather call, a blow, caught him off surprise.

His head collided with the locker and his vision swimmed, now certainly not from the tears. He whimpered quietly as he tried to slowly pull himself upright. The crowd was cheering; for them it was fun and another topic to talk about, for Dan, as his mind came to realisation, could become a life and death situation very soon.

Someone kneeled in front of him and Dan blinked, only after several seconds recognising the face as Ellie's brother, Erick, who had six-pack carved into his stomach, as some were saying.

"Erick, listen, this- it's wrong, okay, you're wrong, God...", he muttered, clutching at the back of his skull and grimacing at the pain from the touch. "Let me explain," he said, only weakly protesting as Erick pulled him off the ground and shoved him into the locker.

Erick didn't seem pleased with him talking, it seemed. His face was twisted and eyes squinted.

"Dan, is it?", he muttered, and Dan was sure that first of all, that was a bit dumb question considering just a few hours earlier he and Erick had been laughing at the same joke, and second of all, that his voice sounded like he was riding a really big vehicle with a quiet engine. Or was he the vehicle or the engine?

No, he couldn't have been, right? Cars were made from metal and as much as Dan wasn't a mechanic or an enthusiast, machines were metal and humans definitely weren't.

_Wait, am I saying this right,_ he wondered.

"Hey!", Erick shook Dan's shoulder and Dan looked into his eyes, but his gaze felt like it was a heavy gun placed in an untrained hand. "Your boyfriend left you, huh? See, that's a good thing. Faggots should be separated from the rest. And maybe it would be better for the society for them to seperate themselves on their own, you know?", Erick looked into Dan's eyes but his words made less and less sense. A sound came from behind Rick, or was it Rob in front of him? Wait, why was he clutching at his sweater like that? Dan didn't think Rob has ever touched him since he came out to him. Neither did Ellie. Didn't know why... what's that sound? Whose that face belongs to? An angel?

"-ey, look at me. Dan, right? Are you alright, does something hurt you?"

Dan wondered if angels wore leather jackets, had pierced lips and abandoned their wings.

"An-gel," he muttered, but the angel's skin wrinkled on his forehead and his eyebrows scrunched together. Have Dan just offended him by accident? What did he say? And, ew, why did he feel so drunk? Drunk?

That's what people feel like when they drink, he was sure. He just had no idea how it was possible to feel like that when he hadn't had any alcohol today, or tomorrow. Were his veins clear? And if they weren't, could anybody help him get rid of the weight his body seemed to be pushed down to the ground?

Questions, so many questions.

And no answers.

And his angel.

Dan upset him, the angel was screaming, shaking him.

Answers, so many questions.

Why no questions?

Why was sky going black; no one forecasted a storm for that day.

Dan was supposed to make it sunny again. But only dark clouds filled his vision.

He didn't know where his angel has gone to. Couldn't see, couldn't hear. And at last, Dan stopped thinking as well.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: I've accidentally published the first chapter without changing one little bit in the dialogue. Erick doesn't know Dan since kids. I've written it like that but after having written this chapter I've realised that future information wouldn't make sense if they did. Sorry for that, I had a pretty rough week then and forgot to edit that out.  
> Enjoy reading :)

When Dan came to, he was lying on a bed. There was nothing thrilling in having to answer dozens of questions, then have a doctor shine piercing light into his eyeballs with his parents standing right in front of him with worried expressions pinned on their faces.

When asked, Dan obviously explained he fell. What a pathetic lie. The wrinkle on his mum's forehead only deepened and his father shook his head in disapproval.

"Son, anytime you want to change schools, just give us a word. It's not a problem to us."

"And, darling, if it ever gets as bad as last time, let us know, okay? We love you and there's nothing wrong with needing help," said his mum. Dan rolled his eyes, but nodded.

If he were unconscious anytime longer, they'd make him stay three days on an observation. Luckily, it wasn't the case and after having been given painkillers, recommended to rest to recover and stay out of trouble, Dan could walk freely. Well, as freely as he could, with his parents throwing concerned looks at the backseat where he sat, and then appearing in his room and checking up on him every hour with ridiculous questions and offers.

Clingy and worried they were, but Dan didn't blame them. After his last school, Bradfield, his parents became much more aware and attentive if it came to anything more than a scratch on his knee.

Dan tried calling Rob, but all his calls went to voicemail. Few more and he couldn't reach the number, either it was disconnected or Rob blocked his number. Dan groaned in frustration.

His position in the school hierarchy was badly damaged, too. From being a pastel freak, but a pastel freak who had a life and remained a shadow to most people, he became a pastel freak who have slept with Rob Hugh Spencer and misguided him into the world of gayness, not giving a damn about his lovely and poor soul, now ex-girlfriend, Ellie Doge. And students of Mayfield High School weren't tolerant if it came to love. Dan wondered at times if there existed a high school where being different wasn't equal with having your own hell. For Dan there was no such heaven.

* * *

It took them barely two days.

The fake safety Dan's heart filled with was ruthlessly broken on a second day since he came back to school. It was lunch time, of course it must have been a lunch time, when two, or three, guys blocked his way.

Dan was just about to leave the cafeteria, his bag slung over his shoulder, head hung low as usual. Earphones in, hands in pockets. He looked up and down the men who casted a long shadow before him. They were much bigger than him, he noticed.

His heart rate sped up.

"Excuse me?", he asked because playing stupid could always buy him some time. Maybe he'd get out of this situation somehow, if not with his strength, then with his brain. It worked in movies, after all.

"Howell, this little head of yours is finally healed? Or are you still twisted?", retorted the bulkiest of the three, and as Dan was guessing, a leader of the group.

Dan swallowed heavily, his hands beginning to shake. He wished he could have a better control over his own body.

"Let me go," he pleaded weakly, voice tight but wanting to scream for help. But there was no one he could count on these days. "I want to pass, please."

The leader smirked, but as his gaze fell on someone, probably behind Dan, his smile disappeared. He nodded, looking down and all the three stepped aside for Dan to pass.

Dan was confused, as to why he didn't get a beating and as he was walking out, he looked behind to see who the Bulky was so afraid of. Shrugging it off as a teacher or something, he counted himself lucky.

"We will get you, screwhead. Watch out," warned Bulky when Dan was just by the door. He paled, said nothing and quickly left the cafeteria.

He hid in the library on each break and slid silently between students. His pastel clothes made him outstand from the others and so that's how Rob Spencer was able to find him.

"Dan! Dan, wait up!"

The brunet rolled his eyes and kept on walking, his eyes darting around to check if no one realised that the Dan Rob was calling out for was the pastel gay freak. But no one raised their eyes and so Dan pushed on through the crowd.

A hand on his shoulder made him jump away and turn around.

"Dan!", said Rob and there was a plea and an apology to his words. Dan noted he didn't look better himself, with a light bruise on his left cheek and his backpack torn in one place.

"What," Dan all but growled. He didn't want to have anything to do with him. Not until he fixed it; stopped the rumors and told the truth. Dan was socially burnt, and an obvious target for the bullies.

"We need to talk, please," Rob explained, grabbing Dan by his sweater and pulling him toward an empty classroom. Dan tried to shrug him off of himself, but his friend had some serious muscles and his attempts were vain. One or two people glanced their way but they didn't bat an eyelid as Dan was forcefully led into an old, unused classroom.

Dust covered the desks and obscenities - the board. The door rattled in its hinges as Rob shut them behind them. He pulled Dan farther into the room, into the far away corner and, checking for anyone following them, whispered,

"Listen, I've got to tell you something-"

"No, you listen, _Rob_!", Dan spat out, stabbing a finger at Rob. "I don't want to see you until you fix this! And let me go, it hurts!", he shouted, trying to wriggle his way out of the strong grip of his friend.

"Dan, you can't tell anyone," he pressured, applying more force to his wrist. Dan only trashed more.

"Why is it? You're afraid Rick will end up with a broken nose, is that it?," he screamed resolutely into his face, not caring if the whole school heard them. Rob was peaking over his shoulder nervously. "Are you trying to protect him from getting a beating, like me? You left me, Rob! You left me there on a mercy of Erick and all those homophobic people!", he screamed and tears of betrayal flooded his vision. "You can go fuck yourself, go back to your-" ' _boyfriend'_ was just about to leave his mouth, but Rob brought his hand and covered Dan's lips with it.

"Shh, shut up, now!", he hissed, but as Dan's muffled protests weren't a definiton of silence, Rob twisted his wrist a little. Applying enough strenght that it hurt, but not giving him an actual injury.

Dan groaned. Though he shut up, many furious words danced around in his head.

"You can't tell anyone," Rob whispered and Dan rested his eyes on Rob's, challenging.

"Couldn't you have just broken up with her?", he retorted. "And not make all this... mascarade?"

Rob shook his head and although the grip on Dan's wrist lessened, Rob's hand still gripped Dan's in an uncomfortable way.

"You don't undersand, it wasn't that easy. I couldn't have just told her it was over. She's not that type of girl. She'd ask me, or would investigate to find out who it is! I couldn't break up with her, she'd get pissed. And when she did find out, well, you can't blame me I've jumped on the opportunity."

"Opportunity?", he echoed.

He couldn't believe the guy in front of him was the closest friend he had. Maybe he was pretty bad at reading people.

"Opportunity?!," he repeated. Dan raged, shaking his head, "I've almost had a concussion, and my parents barely let me go to school! Everyone knows I'm not straight and they think I'm your boyfriend or a lover. For fucks sake, Rob, this isn't a fucking opportunity," he explained, staring right into Rob's eyes. "You're ruining my life," Dan added in a quiet voice.

Rob's face twisted like he tasted lemon. He casted his eyes to the ground, not saying a thing for a while. Munching on his lip, he seemed to be considering.

"You have to tell them, Rob. Sooner or later they'll find out," Dan reasoned with him. "And you can't hide this forever. Rob, please..."

His friend, or a person he doubted was ever his friend, looked up. He glanced at Dan, a glint in his eye, as he began,

"Or..." he wondered, laughing bitterly, "Or we do it my way. You don't tell anyone and I break up with you," he said, making quotation marks in the air. The pressure on his wrist was finally gone and Dan rubbed at his hand, hoping for no bruise.

"You live your life and I live my own. Both parties are content," as Rob finished presenting his idea, Dan couldn't help but stare, with his mouth open.

"You're crazy," he whispered as Rob let out another laugh, a victorious laugh.

He shook his head, "A genius, that is," he said with a smile on his face. His expression changed quickly, all the signs of self-confidence gone. He looked determined, but scared.

"I won't let them hurt Rick. He's already terrified. Can't you understand? I love him. I can't let anything happen to him. Dan, you must know what it's like, you must know that we must take sacrifices in our lives sometimes. You know that, right? Can't you do this one thing for me, Dan? For your good friend? For Rick? He can't get into this mess, he's so fragile sometimes I fear he may break one day."

Dan bit on his bottom lip, looking down. There was truth to Rob's words, though. As much as Rob was probably trying to save his own ass, and save his boyfriend's at the same time, Rob did make sense. Dan was already socially screwed, Rob maybe just a little; Dan was the lover who led him to degeneracy and away from the world of straight people. But Rick still had a clean account. He didn't need to become the next target.

"I-," Dan stammered, in conflict of what to say, what to think. He scrutinized his friend. "I guess you're right..."

"Course I am!", Rob broke in, smiling. "No need to drag innocent people into this, right?", he asked, but Dan didn't agree, thinking that he himself didn't do anything to deserve a beating and be tagged as a couple-breaker.

Rob smirked, "You're doing the right thing here, Dan, you're a good person," he convinced him. Dan grimaced. Suddenly his sweet talk seemed only like a way of coaxing him into agreeing to being a bait and protection so he and Rick could live a peaceful life.

"We're gonna do it this way... I'm gonna break up with you and you'll be all in tears, can be real or not, I don't care. Either way, we make a scene and I'm gonna confess love to some girl I met somewhere, hmm, but where...", he wondered and Dan crinkled his nose. "Either way, I still have time to make that up," Rob pondered, stroking an imaginary beard. He sighed, returning his attention to the general plan. "You will be, like, still madly in love with me and won't want to let me go, and I'll say something like 'I've loved Ellie, it was your idea', I don't know yet, just any dramatic shit that sounds reliable enough-"

"No."

"Oh, that's not the best idea, is it? Hmm, then what about-"

"I said; no. I'm not gonna be in this," Dan told and crossed his arms for emphasis. "You've literally brought this on yourself, you could have been fair and broken it off with Ellie. And you didn't, you hurt her," he remarked, leaning in. "You did it to save your own skin, Rob. It wasn't for Rick. You needed a cover and she was a perfect one, right? Until..."

"Shut up!", Rob ordered, veins in his neck throbbing. He took a step back, hands shaking as he run one through his hair. He focused on the ground, his eyebrows scrunched together.

When Rob's gaze locked with his, Dan didn't get why he suddenly beamed. A sound from behind startled Dan and he flinched at Rob suddenly getting into his personal space. His friend muttered, _'I don't need your permission',_ before he leant in and kissed Dan.

Quickly, barely brushing his lips over Dan's.

Dan pushed him away, but Rob was stronger. Of course everyone was stronger than him.

He made a sound of protest but it resembled a moan more rather than what he truly felt; frustration and disorientation. Rob held him in place, he hadn't kissed him really, it was only his friend's lips crashing his own, stopping him from being able to breathe in air. It felt more like he was about to be strangled. Literally. And so Dan pushed in on Rob's chest, praying he'd get off him.

At last, his friend moved away, or rather, pushed Dan away. He made a disgusted face and took several steps backwards.

"I've told you it's over. I don't love you," he said and Dan blinked, gasping for air.

"Why are you saying this-"

"It's over, Dan," Rob went on, his voice breaking and tears appearing in the corners of his eyes. Staring at him, Dan tried to catch his breath.

"Forget about us, we could never be together anyway. I'm not like you, I'm normal," he explained. Dan shook his head, trying to understand what was going on.

"Rob..."

"I've always loved Ellie," he said and suddenly everything fell into place in Dan's mind.

Dan looked to the left, and there was it. Three people, frozen in one place, silent. Listening.

_You will be, like, still madly in love with me and won't want to let me go, and I'll say something like 'I've loved Ellie, it was your idea', I don't know yet, just any dramatic shit that sounds reliable enough._

Words echoed in his head and Dan cursed at himself for being so stupid and so weak.

"It was your idea! You made me!", Rob screamed, his act getting on higher levels. Voice rising, he made a few steps toward the exit. Dan watched in disbelief as he cried out, saying something about unrequited love and consent.

_How sarcastic_ , Dan thought.

Then, Rob was gone.

The three guys hadn't left still, though.

"Well, that was interesting," said one and Dan's head snapped in their direction. He squinted his eyes to see their faces but the classroom was unlit and they stood in a shadow.

"Problems in paradise?", asked the other. It was probably meant to be a joke, but it made him earn a stab from the first one.

Dan munched on his bottom lip, nervous. For all he knew, it could be the Bulky. There was three of them, right?

"You- you stay away," he ordered, hoping he sounded dangerous or at least, threatening enough they'd leave him alone. He stood upright, fully aware of how much his clothes were crumpled and how much he didn't look in the best shape.

"Oh, no need to be afraid, my friend," assured the second one. The third figure remained silent and behind backs of the two. Dan was feeling all but calm in that moment.

"I'm Chris and this is PJ. You're Dan, right?", the boy asked, taking a few steps toward him. Dan unconsciously began rubbing his sore wrist. He nodded once.

He took a breath for his voice to sound right, but it still trembled,

"You know me knowing your names is literally equal for me reporting you?", he pointed out, wondering how low intelligence the Bulky's band must have. The third guy seemed to nervously move his weight from one foot to the other.

The boy came into view. His brown hair was a little of a mess, something akin to a bird nest and close to _'I don't care'_ demenaour, thought to be so cool by many teenagers. His green eyes blinked several times.

"But if you do report us, that means you've been in this classroom as well," Chris remarked.

Dan shook his head, feeling his head blowing up with so many questions. Who were those guys? Was this the Bulky's band? The one who said to be called _'Chris'_ sounded a little too smart, though.

And if they weren't, then, well,

"Who are you?"

The boy froze for a second, "You don't have some kind of rare amnesia, right?", he joked.

Dan didn't laugh.

He fidgeted on his place. He was just in a room with three strangers, all alone. The same thought of not knowing who he was speaking with was making him nervous. Then, there was three guys looking for him, ready to give him a decent beating. And he was all alone, here, in this dark classroom.

Dan rubbed his wrist with more intensity, feeling he had to do something with his hands or they'd start living a life of their own.

"I don't want trouble," he said, his fear showing off in his darting eyes.

He inspected the three boys carefully, searching for any signs of possible attack on him. They weren't tense, they didn't smirk or start walking toward him. Indeed, the so-called Chris took a step backwards, raising his hands in surrender.

"We don't want, as well," he replied.

Dan let out a breath, now more frustrated than scared. Knowing he had a beating planned in advance was better than having to talk to three strangers with unknown intentions.

"Then what do you want from me?"

"Uh," mumbled Chris, thrown off balance. "Nothing, really. We just stumbled into this room, didn't know someone was in here..."

"Then I'm off," he acknowledged. "Goodbye," he said, walking to the door just by the wall because distance was first thing as he always told himself since Bradfield.

He opened the door and sighed in relief but then something gripped at his hand, making him turn around.

"What-"

"Are you alright?", asked the person holding his hand and Dan stared into a pair of light blue eyes. His breath taken away, he gulped heavily.

"Let me go," he beseeched and the stranger immediately let go of his hand. Dan rubbed his wrist, spotting a light bruise in the light coming from the hall. "Great," he muttered, thinking of what consequences the bruise being seen by his mum or dad at home, will have.

The boy looked down, as well, and Dan quickly hid his hand behind his back. This was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable and awkward.

"I asked in the hospital, but they brushed me off with 'only family of the patient can know such information', and then you weren't at school..."

Only in the light had Dan noticed the boy had dark hair with a a few strands coloured blue, swept to the side. Pierced lip and tattoos on his arms. He seemed to know Dan. Maybe he was just one of the students; concerned in a curious way, thirsty for information from first-hand?

"Leave me alone, I barely know you," he said as goodbye before he sprinted away, praying to God the three boys wouldn't follow him.

He blushed as he thought the boy looked kinda hot, but then he reprimanded himself. Dan was a pastel freak, a thing, not a person, a topic people now talked about almost 24/7. No one cared about his health, what they cared about was the drama, information, but not him.

With that in mind, Dan jogged down the halls of the Mayfield High School stopping in the farthest part of the school.

Only then he realised he has completely forgotten about his green bag.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your reading and thanks for the kudos, guys!  
> Leave a comment, too, if you'd like to let me know you liked the chapter. Getting replies makes my days much much better :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was entirely different at the beginning when I was writing it. After the fire and all the problems that came with it I came up with something that wasn’t something I’d like this story to be (??) I’m not sure, I remember I typed it automatically, but after reading it, I cringed so much I felt my muscles seizing, it was horrible at the beginning o.o  
> Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you’re not missing out anything, and that I worked lot of time to get this one done well. I hope you enjoy!  
> WARNINGS: violence

It wasn't there. Dan swore under his breath as he rummaged through the dark and dusty classroom where he had encountered the creepy guys. He had looked everywhere; checked every corner, peeked under every desk.

Ready for the worst, he even checked the men's room. Luckily, no one flushed his favorite bag down a filthy toilet.

Feeling down and resigned about finding it, Dan wandered the school halls. His intuition told him he should make sure he had money for a new one. And it had to be the exact same type or his parents would get suspicious. Dan had no idea where he could find the same model of a middle size bag in a green pastel colour, with little black flowers and skulls. His was ultimate; he had been putting money aside for it for months. It was going to be a tough job, doing it all again.

Dan balled his fists as he passed classroom from which the usual sounds were coming from; teacher giving a lecture and students' silent whispers.

He had enough of his friend's behavior, Rob. First, he got Dan into such mess and then he only deepened it. Probably whole school knew now about what Rob made it look like; that Dan had been his secret boyfriend who forced Rob to homosexuality.

How much Dan wished he had never swiped those contacts in the first place.

The teacher paused his lecture and was reprimanding some student. Dan couldn't hear his voice; he must had been sitting at the back of the classroom, but Dan didn't waste any time, knowing what would come next. Because though the student's voice remained anonymous, the teacher's didn't. It was Mr Herb, mathematician who was able to throw somebody out of the classroom for same suspicious behavior. If someone didn't listen, or was daydreaming, the best ending was being thrown out of the classroom.

As Dan predicted, soon the door opened, pushed rather harshly. Dan squeaked, noticing he didn't have any hide-away around and he tried to calm down his speeding heart.

He kept walking forward, with no idea where to go. Hands in pockets, with merely his phone, Dan felt he was outstanding more than he normally would before all this. He shouldn't have been here, he knew, everyone had classes, but here he was, almost jogging not gracefully down the hall, praying the thrown out student wasn't the Bulky.

 _Appear normal, you're just going somewhere, you have a destination_ , he repeated to himself, attempting to calm down.

"Hey!"

But Dan paid no attention to what the person was saying; he broke into a run. The voice was familiar, Dan feared it was one of the Muscle-No-Brain band.

Certain to have lost his follower, Dan stopped and gulped for air, leaning his forehead on a wall. He glanced around, but no one was in sight. Content and partially calmed down, he plopped down on the floor behind the corner. It was away from the routes people took, no one ever really paid attention to this place. Dan should be safe here, at least until the bell.

"Oh, here you are!"

Nearly jumping on his two feet, Dan turned to face the follower. He watched the blue eyes of the stranger scan him, and suddenly he felt aware about his own appearance. He must have looked disgusting; all hot, sweaty and trembling.

"I've got your bag. Seen you've left it in that classroom. I tried to follow but you were already gone," the guy explained, Dan's pastel green bag slung over his shoulder, along with his own, a black leather backpack.

"How much?", Dan asked, a nervous tone in his voice, but glad he didn't have to dig through sites for a similar bag.

The guy's eyebrows furrowed, he stared at Dan like he was dumb, to say the least.

"How much what?"

"How much do you want for it?" Dan replied with a question, wondering if the guy just wanted more money this way. Dan hoped he had enough saved.

The guy tilted his head, pressing his lips together. Then he said,

"It's yours, you've already paid for it."

For a while Dan could only stare at the offered bag in the other's hand.

"What? You've paid for it, right?" As Dan nodded, the boy laughed, "You're weird, Daniel. Is this seat taken?"

Dan didn't comment on how there was no seat here and how he didn't like people calling him by his full name and how in that very moment, the biggest wish he had was to be far away from this strange boy. He mumbled a _'yes'_ and sat down himself. He was afraid declining would mean receiving a punch. It so often did.

Hands sweaty, he thought how convenient it would be to leave a body in a place like this.

"You alright? You're shaking," noted the boy and Dan breathed out a shaky breath.

A nervous laugh left his mouth.

"I'm okay," he croaked out, even though everything inside him was screaming on how wrong it was to be sitting next to a much taller boy, dangerous but hot looking boy, who could easily beat him to a pulp.

The guy watched him for what felt like centuries. What was he looking for? A weak spot he could use to manipulate Dan? Dan played with a lonely thread, maybe hoping secretly he'd get out enough so that he could tie down the boy sitting next to him and escape.

He felt the cautious gaze leaving him just when Dan thought he'd start screaming out of frustration.

The guy shrugged,

"If you say so."

Now it was Dan's turn to observe the man. He must admit, he hadn't even looked at the stranger properly yet, having met him in adverse conditions. The boy's hair was black with his fringe dyed blue in part, that much he has taken notice of already. His clothes were all black. A t-shirt, a leather jacket and skinny jeans, all the same colour. For some reason, Dan felt a powerful sense of deja-vu.

The guy smirked, right corner of his rose lips rising and Dan stared at his hands, a crimson coming on his cheeks.

He turned, facing Dan who was flushed at being caught red handed.

"I'm sorry for creeping you out yesterday," started the stranger but Dan had had enough of stress, constant worrying about bullies and making sure Rob didn't walk in on him.

He didn't wait for him to finish his sentence, he broke in, voice angry, but small, demanding,

"Why are you so nice to me?"

He turned to the stranger, coming face to face with him. Dan imagined he would laugh and tell him a slur or two. Then finally beat him up and get on with it.

But no. The boy's blue orbs were much wider than they had been earlier and one of his brows was raised as though he put under question if answering was even worth it.

At last the boy let out an exasperated sigh, jutting out his lip,

"Because I'm not a dick?" he answered, eyes fixed on Dan's face.

Dan casted his eyes to the ground, mumbling, "Sorry, it was a stupid question," having in mind the height and strenght difference between them.

The boy laughed, like he has just heard a good joke.

"It is, indeed, a perfect question. If you doubt every good intention you see someone seem to have, what does it mean? That you don't believe good in people exists, but why? Is it because you think people never do it without a hidden reason? Or because you doubt someone would want to be nice to you?" he asked and Dan was left speechless.

He didn't know if the guy expected him to answer. He felt he didn't like the way the stranger seemed to know what was in his mind. And that this ability at reading him so easily was going to annoy him a lot in the future.

"Whoever saw that doubt in you is a dick," said the boy quietly and Dan didn't dare to look into the stranger's eyes, afraid the stranger may find out more if he does so.

"Anyway, I'm Phil," he introduced himself, his serious tone fading and giving a way to more playful one. He took out his right hand and Dan hesitantly shook it.

Phil didn't question his bruised wrist even though his eyebrow raised and his forehead wrinkled, probably in curiosity.

* * *

 

Dan found out Phil had been the one to call an ambulance and push Erick away from him. When the black-haired was telling him that, Dan wondered how strong Phil must have been. Erick was thought to have super powers. Everyone in Mayfield High School would point at Erick Doge if asked who was the strongest man in the world. Phil didn't say anything about a fight, or him having a second person help him get the pissed Ellie's brother off of a nearly unconscious Dan.

In the end, he decided Phil must be at least as strong as Erick. Which, everyone believed was impossible.

At the mention that Dan must have been pretty out of it because he was rambling about angels, the brunet blushed deeply. He assured that everything looked way worse than it turned out to be, but he still caught Phil sending him a worried glance.

Phil seemed angry and upset that such thing has happened at all. Dan thought that it's how high school is like. For a second, he thought the murderous look Phil gave him was going to tear a hole in his skull, one Eric didn't have time to finish.

Dan wasn't questioned on the subject surprisingly. Everyone who passed him in the halls glanced curiously at him, as though Dan would choose one person from the crowd, invite them and explain everything from the beginning to the end. With an offer for a coffee, it seemed like it.

Phil also seemed to keep himself from asking him about his and Rob's kiss. At the end of their talk, Dan knew that Phil Lester was a strange but interesting creature.

Dan never considered him and Phil to talk once again. Ever.

That's what went on, at first. Him and Phil hadn't shared a greeting, hadn't hung out together or caught up on how were their days going. Life continued on, without Phil Lester, the weirdly polite but strong and more so, strongly punk guy. Dan avoided the bullies and kept to crowds, and bullies were looking for him. A few times he was close to running into them, all those times it was suspiciously shortly after Rob had spotted him somewhere in the crowd. Dan didn't have any evidence so he couldn't really tell.

Then, Rob has seen him again, but this time, he wanted to talk.

"Dan, oh God, they're gonna kill me, you've gotta help me," he pleaded, clutching at Dan's collar and pressing him uncomfortably into the wall of the men's bathroom.

The brunet rolled his eyes, remembering how last time Rob's polite attitude has only led the whole high school getting another reason for hating him more.

"You'll be fine, they won't kill you," he explained calmly. "They haven't done that to me, yet, you'll be alright."

Rob looked at him, incredulous, his eyes boring into Dan's with intensity and hardly hidden disbelief,

"How do you imagine it? That I will be hiding in classrooms and avoiding cafeteria like a wimp?"

Dan raised an eyebrow because Rob had just listed off the things Dan had been doing every day.

"I need you to do me another favour, Dan. Please, just this one last time," he promised, watching Dan's face intently and making puppy eyes.

Dan felt intimidated by his close proximity. He could smell his cigarette breath and he closed his eyes, repeating like a mantra that size didn't matter. Rob couldn't do whatever he wanted just because he was bigger, stronger and the bullies still feared to get a jump on him because of his muscles.

"I haven't done you a favor, Rob. You've given it yourself," he replied quietly while staring at the ground. The only way he didn't need to worry about his voice wavering.

"You gave me no choice, Dan. I had to do something to protect myself," Rob explained, looking down as though he felt at blame.

He let go of Dan's collar then and smoothed it out. A short, quick laugh passed his lips. Not honest at all.

Rob regarded Dan with curiosity as he leaned in,

"It didn't work at all," he whispered, lips so close to his ear that anyone would take the two men for lovers. Hint of disappointment hid behind his words and in his green irises. "But you know it, don't ya?"

He pulled away and stepped away, not breaking the eye contact. He was creepy. He never acted this way, back when they were still friends. Or whatever they were, at the time.

"Just tell me, Dan. Like friend to a friend. How much did it cost you to keep those guys' mouths shut, huh, Howell?" he barked, as if challenging and Dan could only stare with his eyes wide opened.

"What- what do you mean?"

Rob shook his head slowly, making a tsk sound, "And I thought you trusted your friend, Danny."

Dan merely rolled his eyes.

"I only trust the people who have some value."

Not ten but less than five seconds later, his air way was suddenly blocked and he struggled for a breath. Rob's eyes flared red, practically burning in front of his vision. All muscles and tendons on his scalp and neck were poking out and if they carried on with it, they'd surely break like a taut string.

"You think you're so clever. That you've got it all under control," he said through gritted teeth as Dan kept opening and closing his mouth, fingers desperately fighting to loosen the grip on his neck. "Guess what," Rob hissed, adding a fair amount of strength. Dan spluttered, one hand scratching at Rob's hand with his fingernails and the other pushing him away with no effect.

"You've got no one here, Danny. No one, you hear me?" he shouted, shaking Dan's flailing form. "No one who would give a fuck if something happened to you. You're new, you've only been here for a year. I've grown up with those people. They know me," he pointed out.

A prey. He felt like a prey slowly being ripped apart by its predator. With no route for an escape. Fuck, how long till he started seeing stars? He couldn't pass out again, his parents... but then, he was so hot and he so desperately needed to breathe...

"Rob..." he struggled and his own voice sounded off to him, scratchy and weak. "Stop, please-"

Rob smirked. Squeezed his throat tighter. It felt like dying. It felt like dying in outer space, with no life-giving air on hand. But Dan wasn't sent into space, he was on Earth, godamnit, but air was not for him to enjoy.

Dan was gasping, his eyes bulging. Rob was sadistic. And Dan was going to pay for being so stupid. God, when did he learn he was too vulnerable?

The lack of air was unbearable and his fighting back has transformed into merely patting at Rob's hands. Dan's limbs seemed to be slipping as if dancing on ice, anyway.

"You will do as I say next time," Rob spoke calmly and grip on Dan's throat disappeared immediately.

Dan sank to the floor helplessly, spurting and wincing. Rob kneeled beside him. Leaned in. Dan flinched.

"You were lucky our little make-out session didn't leave that room. And you were quite sweet, you know," Rob admitted, catching a strand of Dan's brown hair and playing with it between his fingers.

Dan was clutching at his throat, in disbelief and surprise at how tasty and sweet it felt to be able to breathe again. His chest was heaving and heart hammering with such quick speed he feared it might escape his body.

"All squirming and fighting under me with those little fists of yours..." Rob sighed and closed his eyes, as if thinking about it brought good memories. Dan's stomach was feeling uneasy at the same thought of Rob forcing himself on him again.

Rob's green eyes shot open and he smiled at Dan, tucking the strand behind his ear.

"Next time we may even get to second base," he cooed in a sing-song like tone. "Ahh, I better go. Let you get your breath back." Dan grimaced. "I know, I know. I'm that stunning," Rob said and caught Dan's lips in a fleeting kiss at which Dan had no time to turn away.

The boy stood up and walked to the exit. Hand on the handle, he munched on his lip for a second.

"Ah! I almost forgot to tell you... Some really nice and helpful girl had seen me crying the other day and she was _so_ sweet she somehow managed to make me tell her about my problem. Honestly, she was so polite and caring! I couldn't not tell her how my ex-boyfriend doesn't let me go and still thinks I'm in love with him," he finished with a shrug and a dismissive wave. "Just thought you'd like to know, _darling_."

Doors closed shut behind him and Dan hid his face in his pastel green shirt, taking breaths in and out, his hands shaking. Rob's words dripped with sarcasm, he wasn't serious. But then he seemed like he actually meant when he talked about that kiss he stole from Dan.

Had Dan been stronger, would he hit Rob square in the face.

A prospect of his nose smashed and bleeding profusely over his stupid six-pack chest made Dan laugh as if he had never done so in his life before. His calling for help throat reminded him though that his current situation was so bad he probably should have been crying rather than smiling. Somehow though, Dan found himself laughing so hard that he felt he might cry any moment if he didn't stop.

He picked himself up off of the cold hard ground and gripped the sink, empty laughter ringing in the bathroom. Blank eyes stared back at him in the mirror, reflecting every move of his body and every twitch in his face. Shaking hand smoothed out brown hair, but failed to fix the fringe. Somehow, the figure remained strange, unfamiliar.

Dan coughed and coughed, his vocal strings hurting like hell, his manic laughter dissolved into sobbing. He breathed in and out, but not anymore because he craved to breathe but because he was losing control.

Last time he did was so long ago, and he started believing that once retrieved, could never be taken away from him. That his self-confidence, or what little was left after his old friends had stripped him of it, was bulit on such strong ground that its foundation was solid. Yet, once again he was shown how fragile and unstable it was, and what little force it was needed for it to shake and begin to crumble.

And that was the moment, of course that must have been the moment, when the hottie in a leather jacket stepped into the boy's loo.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed and I hope you're looking forward to the next chapter! I am. Still haven't written it o.o but that's all for the future :D  
> Anyway, I wish you a good day, comment, kudo my story. Commentes si tu aimes! (big thanks for help from Abby with French :D )  
> tumblr/twitter: superasia8


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! :)  
> After as thrilling chapter as the last one turned out to be, I'm here to bring you another one. I really enjoyed writing it, and all in all, so I don't make too long speeches here, I hope you enjoy it, too :)  
> PS. Sorry to anyone to whom I replied, saying I'd update soon. That soon turned into a month because I had lots of schoolwork and couldn't combine everything. Anyways, enjoy!  
> This chapter (as well as others) was beta-ed by my awesome friend yesiwritefanfics (Tumblr). Thank youuu, you’re the best <3

He froze. Literally froze in time. His legs suddenly glued to the floor and Dan couldn't move.

Phil stared at him, and Dan's gaze bore into the blue eyes as well. They must have been having a staring contest, Dan wasn't sure. Either way, he just couldn't take his eyes off of the boy standing just by the door. Hand on the handle, a hesitation was written all over his face and in his body language. Uncertainty seemed to radiate from his always so confident personality.

The black-haired blushed and made his way over to the washbasins, saying no word. He ran the tap and started scrubbing his hands off of a dried blue paint, intently keeping his gaze away from him. Dan furrowed his brows at the horrible blush painting the other's cheeks.

He didn't understand what had made Phil so flustered all of a sudden.

He didn't understand until he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. It clicked in his mind and his face flushed red, too.

Around his neck there was a faint red bruise, a bruise that could be easily misunderstood as a _hickey_. Phil must have thought he had a hickey on his neck, that he had just been making out with someone in a school bathroom. Or something more, Dan thought, and cringed at the image of him and Rob- and Phil thinking he would-

He didn't know why, but he felt the need to explain.

"It's not-" he began but had to stop as his voice was so scratchy he wondered if he had debris in his throat. He coughed and then explained, "It's not what it looks like."

Phil only blushed harder, as if it was possible. Though his attention seemed to be trained on the sink, he was stealing glances in his direction as Dan quickly buttoned up his shirt as far as he could. Thankfully he wore one of his pastel shirts with buttons almost up to neck. The clothing didn't mask the _'hickey'_ in its whole glory, but at least it could stop people's stares. Or so he hoped.

"I don't judge you," shyly spoke the boy and Dan's fingers stopped from raking through his hair. He turned to the boy for a second. Phil was still looking down and Dan went back to fixing his hair again. He rolled his eyes.

"Yeaaah, right. Thank you," Dan retorted back, not sparing Phil with sarcasm. He grimaced as his vocal chords protested at such hard exploitation.

Phil flinched at his tone. Dan regretted using it right after.

"It's really not what you think it is," he croaked out, voice quiet as he studied the floor.

He picked up his green bag that lay forgotten in the corner and walked to the door.

"Thank you for not telling people about... about that day," he said, forcing a small smile onto his face.

"It's not up to me to publicise your life or- or relationships," Phil answered, stammering.

Dan only shook his head at that, smiled and left.

Pagebreak drum roll

That day silence fell around him wherever he walked. People's whispers could be easily equivalent to dozens of sharp blades. They cut into his body with the speed of light. Dan walked with his head hung low, all the stares, sniggering and quiet conversations shared between students around him made him feel guilty, as though he had actually done something wrong. Dirty as he felt, he was under constant observation.

 _Anyone would be anxious_ , he told himself.

But not only was he anxious. Dan was close to shitting himself at any moment. There was one time a girl, much shorter from him, bumped into him in the library. He literally screamed and as a result had to hide from the librarian who was furious at whoever dared to break silence.

Somehow he sneaked out of there before the mad librarian would find him and he made his way over to his locker. The bell rang and students started filing out of their classrooms. Dan slouched and looked down, hoping he could have a cap of invisibility he could wear.

He stopped before his locker, glancing around fretfully. Weirdly, the crowd seemed to have stopped moving. They were whispering. Laughing. Pointing out. A girl's finger directed at him could have stabbed him as well and it would make no difference.

Suddenly, the students went quiet as though a bigger danger was approaching. Dan didn't look behind, he didn't want to. It could be Ellie with words sharper than her perfect nails, or her brother, Erick, whose punches hurt as if you were stung by a horde of bees, or, oh God, please, not _him_ , not Rob. Everybody but him.

"Dan?"

Dan fumbled with the lock. Even though he knew the voice, his hands couldn't stop shaking. He fixed his black scarf and cleared his throat.

"Phil," he whispered. His voice still hurt horribly, if not more than earlier. "Hey."

Phil looked over him quickly, he seemed to be a little out of breath. His eyes scanned the students and one or two glares was enough to disperse the crowd. His gaze flicked back to Dan who, by this moment, has still not been able to open his locker. Phil furrowed his brows at this.

"How are you doing?" he asked but his blue eyes were focused on the crowd again.

Dan would snort if he didn't know it brought him new pain.

"I'm good, and you?" he whispered in a polite answer, his heart calming down.

The black haired said nothing, focused on the crowd. Dan dared to spare a look at him and, oh dear, did his stomach make a flip flop. Phil's head was turned to the left, his neck in a full exposure (miles of pale, smooth skin). He had his lipring on, and, Dan wasn't sure, he didn't know about that stuff, but it seemed like he painted his eyes, too, if just a little.

It was enough though to make Dan's heart flutter. He bit his lip and looked down on his lock, carrying on with getting it open.

"A throat ache?" Phil all of a sudden asked and Dan glanced questioningly at him. The black haired boy pointed to his black scarf.

"Oh, yeah," he replied, voice coarse. "Caught me yesterday and held for so long I thought I was going to die," he joked, mostly to himself. Phil merely blinked, expression puzzled, not knowing what he meant.

"I know that this will sound crazy, but you've got to trust me, Dan," Phil started, leaning closer and Dan gave up opening his locker for the moment. He turned to him and when his and Phil's eyes crossed, he got lost in them. Blue, blue, blue. Only colour blue.

"Dan? Dan!" Dan shook from his daze, blinking twice. Phil sighed, "As I was saying, this _'relationship'_ ," he explained, putting on quotation marks, "can be lesser of the evil. You can't- I've-," he stammered and let out a breath, closing his eyes. "They say someone has you on a target," he said slowly, staring into Dan's eyes.

A book Dan was supposed to leave in his locker slipped out of his hands.

Phil duck down quickly and picked it up.

"Dan, I'm not trying to scare you, but I'm afraid you're in danger."

The word _'danger'_ echoed through his mind and numbed him for a while. A fresh start, that's what Mayfield High School was supposed to give him. A new set of friends, teachers, surroundings. Not a re-run or upgrade of Hell Vol.1

"Dan, listen, I can help you, _we_ ," he told him, nodding in the direction of the two guys that he met earlier, "we can help you."

Dan looked at the guys; one of them waved and the other just smiled to him.

He turned to his locker again.

"You'll be safe with us," Phil convinced him, "and you could get your boyfriend, too, it would make no difference, plus, the more, the merrier, right?" he joked but Dan's lips turned into a tight line.

"Thank you, but I'll pass," he said, finally prying the lock open and opening his locker, the metal door creating a barrier between him and Phil.

"But why not?" the black-haired boy asked, appearing at his left side, wrinkles on his forehead.

Dan flinched, "I'll be okay, I can take care of myself," he said, but his voice wavered as he took in the sight in front of himself.

Phil opened his mouth when Dan slammed shut his locker. He felt dizzy.

He took a step back, breathing in and out. In and out.

"Dan?" Phil asked, uncertain, probably thinking Dan was angry at him.

"I'm gonna be sick," he only mumbled and ran down to the nearest toilet.

He didn't care about the students, he hardly gave a fuck if his classes have already started and he was gonna be late on them. He didn't care, he didn't care because there was a note with his picture and his head was-

Dan retched, clutching the toilet and feeling disgusted about how many bacterias he must have gotten on himself in that very moment. But it didn't take up half as much his mind as the picture, the poster someone hung up in his locker, destroying his flowery composition he painted himself.

He wondered who could have done it.

"Dan?"

But he didn't need to.

"Dan, are you here?"

He knew who it was.

"Dan?" Phil's voice came closer and he stopped in front of Dan's stall. Dan has left the door open and so has Phil crouched near him.

Dan didn't want to see him now. He wanted to be left alone, with his thoughts.

"PJ and Chris have taken it down, Dan," Phil murmured softly and Dan felt a firm but not controlling hand on his shoulder.

Dan whimpered, breathing into the bowl. Oh God, this was disgusting.

He recalled the picture and his stomach curled in on itself in fear. He was scared. Who was he trying to fool; he was fucking frightened and panicked. And he didn't have anyone here. He didn't know them. Only Rob knew, only...

"What, do you want me to get Rob for you?" Phil asked from behind him, awkwardly massaging his back.

"N-no," he whispered, feeling downright shit. He winced as he spoke, "Not a boyfriend." Phil let out a surprised _'Oh'_. "I told you it wasn't-" his insides turned into a small ball and he took deep breaths, trying to get a hold of himself.

It was just a stupid poster, after all.

A poster with the cut out picture of his head with his eyes crossed out and a cord around his-

Dan vomited violently and Phil squeezed his shoulder. After a good fifteen minutes of calming down his belly, Dan was leaning his head between his knees, legs still feeling like rubber.

"Here," Phil offered him a handkerchief.

"Thanks," Dan muttered, taking the tissue and wiping his mouth with it. He sat on the floor and wrapped hands around his knees.

He was so fucked. Rob- He made it clear he wouldn't fuck around with him the next time. He finds Dan somewhere and Dan can say goodbye to his life. God, had he really not known Rob at all before?

Dan shuddered. Scared and lonely. Lonely and helpless. But -he thought as he glanced at Phil shyly- there was the black haired boy and his band offering help. It could be worth a shot.

"Dan, we can help you," Phil spoke softly from behind him, his hand rubbing comforting circles on his back. His mum used to do the same to him when he was a kid and was coming down with something.

"Whatever it takes, we'll keep you safe. The whole school thinks of us as some dangerous emo freaks, they won't touch you when they'll think we're together-"

Dan literally choked on his own saliva. Which was pretty disgusting considering he'd just been sick a couple of moments earlier,

"Wh- what?!" He squeaked, his hurt throat making his voice go higher than it normally would.

Dan would back away into the nearest corner out of pure instinct, if told corner existed. The most he could do in a tiny stall was lean away.

He stared at Phil, brows knitted together. What was he thinking? He was supposed to be his boyfriend- no, no. No. _That_ would be enjoyable, that would be _normal_. But no, he was supposed to _pretend_ he was his boyfriend. That was,

"Crazy, you're crazy," he muttered, pulling himself off of the cold ground. "I'm just talking with crazy."

Phil sighed and got up, too.

"You're not. Stop dramatising, Dan. It's not like we'd be together _for real_ ," he pointed out, following after, and Dan guessed his heart must be really weak because suddenly it felt like someone has speared it with a pike and then stomped on it for good measure.

He laughed nervously, trying to cover up his disappointment and sadness, "Yeah, you're right, that'd be insane," as he walked to the mirrors. The place where he and Phil had met before. He was so flustered then, more like a ten-year-old than a guy who wears leather and heavy boots.

Phil stood by the wall a few feet away, leaning on it as if carelessly, crossing his arms in front of himself.

"So what's your decision?"

Dan turned on the water and as he soaped his hands, looked at Phil's reflection. He was cute with his blue hair, handsome with blue eyes but totally hot with his idiotic attitude and- He stopped his thoughts and dried his hands on his sweater. He adjusted the scarf again. Suddenly it was too hot in the bathroom.

Phil raised an eyebrow, "Soo?"

Dan looked down, "I- I don't know," he mumbled, feeling lost.

What was the better option here; only count on himself, not trust a complete stranger or take the opportunity as the world gave him one on a silver plate? He didn't know.

There was Rob. Dan wondered how he would he react when he found out Dan had someone. It would surely break the mad plan he had created in his mind and he'd get totally pissed about it. Dan didn't know if he wanted to face Rob's anger but, after all he was all alone in this school. With no friends, no familiar faces. Alone in a crowd and alone out of it. He had no one. And no one of the students would care if another killed a homosexual kid in the same middle otf the hall. No one would even move their finger. And Dan needed someone on his side if he wanted to make it to the end of high school.

That was the official version.

Pagebreak drum roll

"Oh, you're gonna be such a cute couple," sang PJ, a boy with brown curly hair.

"Totally hitting the Top Ten of MayHell list," added the other, Chris, as they walked through the parking lot on Monday.

Chris and PJ were in front of them, chatting excitedly over a newly released game. Dan bit his bottom lip as he glanced at Phil on his left. He wasn't sure. He had never done such a crazy thing before in his life. Maybe he did, but... no, that chapter was over. He's flipped those pages a long time ago and now he was creating a whole new story.

"Phil?" he whispered and the boy looked at him. Dan moved a little closer and shyly slipped his hand into Phil's, "Am I doing this right?"

The black-haired looked at their intertwined palms and a smile brighted his face.

"It's not a contest, you won't get plus points for a good composition," Phil joked. Dan's shoulders sagged as he felt more and more doubts rising in his mind.

"But if it were, you'd win," the boy added, muttering as they got closer to the main entrance.

Dan smiled and turned his eyes away from Phil. The two boys ahead had already entered the Mayhell. Now it was their turn. Dan let out a deep breath and fixed the flower crown on his head, ridiculously feeling like he was just passing an exam or going to a prom with a boy out of his dreams.

He liked the latter comparison more.

Phil looked at him yet once and Dan nodded, smiling weakly. The boy pushed open the door and they stepped inside, both at the same time, shoulder to shoulder, hand in hand. Together.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, me leaving a cute cliffhanger? That's unusual... :D  
> Hope you liked it! If you did, let me know, and if you didn't... well, you can still let me know, I'm open to critique :D  
> Comment, kudo, give me love! ^_^  
> Tumblr/Twitter: superasia8


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Before you read, I wanted to thank you all for such lovely feedback and support so far! You're amazing and your comments have brighted up my days <3  
> Another amazing thing is; a lovely anon "M" from Tumblr has created a fanart for this story! It's awesome, you should check it out :D Thank you so much, M, I love it!  
> [link to the art](http://superasia8.tumblr.com/post/144808630495/heres-precious-dan-and-punk-phil-im-sorry-the)  
> Thanks to my friend yesiwritefanfiction (nick from fanfiction.net) who beta'ed the chapter! <3

**SEVEN DAYS EARLIER**

"It's _not_ a good idea."

"It's briliant!" Chris countered, nose crinkled.

Dan crossed his arms as he stared at Chris, PJ and, Phil. He didn't want to take part in spreading new rumours around the school about himself. He's had enough of them. And he definitely wasn't who the three boys thought he was.

"This plan rocks-" the boy continued.

Dan rolled his eyes.

"If you turn your head away from _all_ the things that may go wrong," he broke in.

He wasn't doing this, no way, he told them that already. But what was he doing here, then? Oh, right. Hiding away from Rob who he had spotted earlier. His 'ex-boyfriend' shot him a knowing smirk as he mouthed _'Did you get my message?'._

School has never been more amazing of a place.

"You should report that poster, at least," PJ brought up quietly. "They'd find the person who did it for sure."

His heart sped up. No one could find out who was behind it.

"There's no reason. They won't," he said, trying to keep his cool about it, but his voice wavered around the last word. "I won't do it, that idea of yours," he carried on. "There's no chance this can end well."

He glanced at Phil and when their gazes locked, Dan couldn't look away. Something about his azure eyes, focused only on him, might have made his heart flutter.

"You won't know until you try," he persuaded him. "And what can go wrong?" he asked.

Dan opened his mouth to assure him that it was a shit idea, but it seemed the question was rhetorical for Phil.

He shut it but his lips formed into a tight line, sharp like daggers. He hoped Phil noticed.

"If you and Rob aren't together, then there's no reason for you not to go into a relationship," he explained, using the tone like he was certain of it as much as that the sun gave life to Earth.

"And if there's someone after you, you'll be more safe in a group," PJ added from where he stood by Phil's left side.

"Plus, we're pretty awesome," Chris put in his two cents' worth, grinning. The others glared at him in silence and his smile faltered as he stammered, "What, we aren't?"

PJ sighed in resignation and Dan cast his eyes to the dusty floor of the empty classroom they were in. Even if they were right- which they probably were- Dan couldn't do it. No matter what; the safety, protection. God, just to have friends. He had his rules.

The crowd believed that he and Rob had dated. Okay, that he could handle( _'I hope so'_ he added in his mind). But jumping right into a new relationship after freshly getting out of one? Rob wouldn't be pleased with the news. And above all, Dan knew what the students would think.

"I can't do it. I can't pretend to be your boyfriend," he said to Phil, staring through the windows at the world outside, engrossed in beams of sun.

Everywhere but at him.

"But maybe if we-"

"No, Phil, it's final. I can't. I'm sorry," he whispered and left the classroom, escaping from the dust and the idea that sounded too promising and the boy, his sky-like eyes, which normally beamed with warmth and happiness, but as Dan departed, they filled with sadness.

It was all in his head, though.

Dan had never felt more pathetic in his life.

*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***

**SIX DAYS EARLIER**

He could do it. Dan was strong. Didn't need someone to back him up. He was in a freaking school after all, a public place. With dozens of people. They wouldn't be impassive to the point where they let him be beaten to death.

But as Dan made his way through the school halls, his assumptions faltered and faltered. People not only stared, whispered and occasionally pointed him out. They observed him, like a peculiar animal trapped in a cage. But their faces did not show curiosity. It showed disgust. He was an animal in their eyes, but an animal muted, abandoned after an experiment gone wrong.

He felt bad. Rob did not need to strangle him, it wasn't necessary. All he could do was lie to the biggest gossiper in the whole school. End of the job. He didn't even need to send any homophobic packs at him. The gossiper was enough. Everyone knew now how Dan Howell, the pastel freak, didn't want to let go of his ex-boyfriend who loved Ellie with all his heart and was straighter than a ruler.

Classrooms full of people, students, halls; he avoided them. Thought it would be best to wait it out in the library. But even there, a place where he usually could engross himself in fiction and not worry about anything, they found him.

Four students. They sniggered and kept making filthy comments about how he was the biggest slut on the planet. Their voices grew louder with every new nickname they came up with. The librarian was done.

"You can talk somewhere else," she remarked, staring down at them from under her big red glasses.

One of the group though, a blond guy with black eyes and a strangely high voice (like he hasn't gone through that phase of puberty yet), stood up, his attitude confident and his tone sarcastic.

"But Miss, if even Howell can stay in here, then we're even more allowed to!" he argued and the others behind him laughed in agreement.

The woman shot him a bored look as she typed something into her computer.

"And why shouldn't he?"

The guy seemed surprised she asked. It was as obvious to the whole school as that the vegetables are healthy.

"He's a filthy fag," he stated, pointing at him.

Dan hunched down in his seat, biting on his bottom lip. He did not see the woman's face, but did he really need to?

He shut his eyes, preparing himself for leaving. Great, he doesn't have elsewhere to go. Silence came over the room that smelled of old and new books. It felt as if all the occupants were waiting, not only the four, but the whole library.

"What's your name, darling?"

"Andrew Smith, Ms."

The librarian whose name Dan didn't know, smiled to the boy as she leaned forward.

"If I see you here again, interrupting silence, I'll make sure you get detention, Andrew."

Dan's mouth fell open and so did Andrew's. He stammered, set his lips into a grim line and left the library, stomping heavily.

The woman smiled at Dan and winked. He could not contain his astonishment for half the day.

Not whole, though. When he left the library, a figure jumped out from nowhere.

"You're just a piece of shit!" a boy screamed, pushing him roughly. Dan grimaced as his back connected with the wall.

"I can't understand how you're alive. How can you live when you're something so fucking disgusting?" he asked and pushed him again. Dan stumbled but didn't fall.

His friends stared at him, their faces twisted in aversion.

Dan took a step forward, but they blocked his way, standing tall and powerful in a group. His heart slammed against his ribcage. He didn't know what to do.

"We've heard what you did to Rob," Andrew said. Oh fuck. Fuck.

"Trying to get others on your faggot-y side, huh?" he spat out.

Dan shook his head. His hand clenched around the strap of his green bag.

"Why do you care so much? It's _my_ life."

Andrew looked around his friends, smirking.

"But our business you don't infect others."

His fists were bailed by his sides, knuckles white.

*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***

They beat him. Pushed. He tripped in another fruitless attempt to run away and fell to the ground. They kicked. They kicked and Dan curled up, covering his head. Any word he said was pointless. They didn't listen. Didn't care if he was innocent or not.

He just prayed for it to end. The pain was blinding, but the words had their strength, too. Dan had no idea one could know so many.

It was endless. The beating Ellie's brother afforded him was nothing compared to becoming a punch bag for four people. Four ruthless people.

"Stop, stop, please, stop," he whimpered.

It was pathetic, he knew. But it was all he could do; hope they'd grow bored of the task.

Then, one last kick and everything stopped.

Dan breathed fast, but didn't move an inch.

"Is he . . .?" someone asked.

"The fucker is only playing dead," Andrew replied and his shoe connected with Dan's stomach. Dan groaned. He tried to imagine what they'd do if he had passed out. Bury the body?

"See, told you. Anyway, we're done here. And you should remember the lesson we gave you."

After Andrew threw another _'faggot'_ , he and his group walked away.

Dan pulled himself up and leant against the wall. His breathing slowed down to its regular rate and now he felt knackered. As he stood up, everything, even his bones ached. Wasn't Andrew Smith a part of the school football team?

With occasional grunts, hisses and the support of the wall, Dan stood up.

In moments like this, and back when he had been in Bradfield, he thought how easy a straight person's life was. They didn't need to worry about being outed; lived in a world where they weren't judged for something they couldn't change. And back then, in Bradfield, Dan regretted that he couldn't be one of them and melt in with the crowd. Be like everyone else.

But that was behind him.

Now he would never change because someone wanted him to. It was his life. It was what made him Dan.

Dan dragged himself back home, not even wondering if he shouldn't have told someone he was leaving. He walked up the stairs to his room and plopped down on the bed, throwing a grey-black checkered blanket over himself. With every bone of his body pulsing with pain, he curled up and cried because for once the universe had lend him a helping hand and he had thrown it away.

*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***

**FIVE DAYS EARLIER**

Dan had no clue how so many people could have his number all of a sudden. His inbox was stuffed with messages. But instead of _'good morning!'_ , they said _'kill yrslf'._

He took a long shower, partially because his everything hurt like bitch, and partially because he wanted to take a moment and appreciate the day before it went to hell. The constant notifications of new messages coming couldn't mean anything good. Not in his case.

Black jeans and a long pink sweater was his choice for that day, and so Dan dressed up quickly, hissing as he put on his really tight jeans and his painful legs literally made their presence felt.

He took his bag and jogged down the stairs as quickly and silent as he could. His parents didn't notice him leaving.

Pushing the door of his school open was another problem, but not physical kind. He stood in front of the entrance, biting hard on his lip. He did not want to go in there. No familiar face would welcome him, just violence, threats, fear and hatred.

He took in a deep breath and walked in.

_Just a normal day_ , he repeated in his mind.

But no. Indeed, it wasn't, as he found out.

There were posters all over the walls. Normal, right?

Dan stepped toward one and squinted his eyes to make out the black letters printed on a colourful paper. There was a picture. His picture. And suddenly it made sense to him. The picture must have been cropped out. He even remembered the moment it was taken; Ellie and Rob had wanted to go on a picnic, but didn't want Dan to spend the Friday alone and they had gone together in the end. It was one of the many dates they invited Dan to so he wouldn't feel lonely. They asked him then what was the secret behind him having never been in a relationship. And it just slipped out of his mouth that he was gay.

And they didn't judge him. Only Rob spaced out for a moment, why, now Dan knew, but then he assumed he was in a state of denial of who his friend turned out to be.

The only person- the only two people who had that picture were his friends. Ex-friends now.

His hand travelled over his mouth on its own accord.

_Hey, handsome man!_

_R u looking for someone? i can make you forget about yer problems_

_if pretty, i can do b &j for free. I love big c***_

_\- d. h. <3_

There was his number on the bottom which a person could tear off without the need to write it down. A few numbers were missing already. Dan stared at his phone as tears built under his eyelids. He turned around and yes, obviously the whole school would stare.

Someone laughed, noticing his teary eyes, another listened to an explanation their friends gave. Dan wanted to disappear.

He ripped the poster off of the wall and did so with each one he saw. Dan moved down the hall, peeling off the colorful papers and keeping an angry and hopeless cry from escaping his throat. The announcement with a suggestive offer screamed at him from every surface possible.

A rainbow. The colours were arranged into a freaking rainbow.

Dan would laugh at it, if not what they read.

Some of the posters he squashed, rolled into a ball, but as he looked up, he felt defeated. Dozens of papers set into a rainbow covered the walls. Dozens.

Running, he brushed them with his fingertips, crumpling some when he clenched and unclenched his hand. It was Rob's doing. Or Ellie's. He bet on Rob more, with all the murdering he tried to do lately.

Dan kicked the door of a, thank God, empty classroom. It wasn't a place where he talked with Phil, though. The door protested with a quiet cry but let him in. He stomped through half length of the room and then noticed there was still one poster in his hand.

Staring at it as though hypnotised, Dan slipped down the wall, light tremors shaking his body. He didn't want this kind of attention. If only he could, Dan would prefer to be a ghost to all the students here.

His phone beeped with notifications. Same unpleasant messages, he guessed and didn't even bother with checking.

Mayfield has been once, what he started to work out, a harbour he had managed to find after many years of lonely drifting through rough seas. He had friends. And maybe he only had Rob and Ellie who often were too busy with themselves, but he wasn't alone. He had someone who accepted him the way he was.

It was taken away from him. All because of a stupid swipe of contacts that Rob didn't bother to fix.

Dan crumpled the poster in his hand, but the action gave him no satisfaction. The rest of the rainbow-y propaganda still hung around the whole school and he could do nothing about it. His phone number knew a lot of people. A lot of who he had never probably even talked with.

_Privacy's over_ , he thought and ripped the blue sheet to shreds, throwing it to hell. Ironically, it landed a feet away from him, picture of him, winking at the camera, mocking.

First sob left his body. He was done, so done. The messages came and his phone lit up as another person wished he'd die.

Dan hid his head in his hands, his brown curls tickling his face. He didn't really see any other way. He had to tell his parents. Move schools again, probably. He just wondered if it'd be this way forever; if one day he would be able to meet someone and not deter them from being his friend.

His breathing turned irregular as he thought about becoming _'the new kid'_ once again. Maybe there was really no place for him on this planet?

He was so caught up in his thoughts that his mind didn't pick up the sound of door opening and closing. He didn't register a person walking toward him, until they touched his arm.

Dan shrieked in terror, backing away.

"Shh, it's just me, Dan," the boy with the intense blue eyes assured.

"Wh- what are you doin' here?" he stammered, wiping his eyes quickly. They were still puffy and red, for sure, but oh well, who said that Dan couldn't pretend that he was alright? When all normalcy was lost, he got that. Telling himself it was okay. Sometimes it helped, in other cases . . .

"Are you alright?" Phil asked, his stare so attentive. Any reply he planned was broken by the sound of another message.

Dan breathed in, shakily, as tears ran down his face. He couldn't help it.

"You know they're wrong," Phil said, pointing to his phone. There was a string of _'kill yerself', 'please make this favor to the universe'_ texts coming in. Phil could see them easily from where he crouched in front of Dan. As well as the poster that lay in pieces beside him. Dan didn't stop him.

He forced himself to smile, but not happiness was the emotion behind it.

"Doesn't make it easier. How did you find me?" he inquired, sniffing and wiping his eyes.

"Wasn't that hard. You left a pretty clear trail behind you," he said quietly.

"You know it's a lie?" Dan blurted out. "This bloody poster. They did it."

Phil stared at him, "I know, it's- it's crazy to even assume anyone would do such thing themselves."

Dan nodded, looking down. His phone was going crazy and he couldn't not peek at it. Phil noticed. He grimaced and snatched the black iphone.

"What are you doing?" Dan asked, alert as the other fumbled with it. Phil sighed, but did not explain until the phone's screen shined one last time and turned black.

"Done. Now you don't need to worry about it," he acknowledged and Dan blinked.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I know you wanted to help," he spoke quietly after a minute of silence. He met Phil's puzzled gaze and he looked down. "But hey," he laughed darkly, "I haven't dated anyone and they call me a slut already," he mumbled.

He felt Phil's body shift as he sat next to him, his blue eyes observing him. God, how was he supposed to say that?

Dan twisted his fingers, "Everyone thinks I'm slutty. I give them clear evidence and it won't end with a beating."

Phil tensed, or so it seemed.

Dan cleared his throat,

"I won't drag anyone else into this. This is all my fault. If I haven't just told the truth when the time was right . . ." he drifted off. He wouldn't be going through this right now. Rob would be.

Dan didn't know if he wished anyone such thing.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and tensed. It was Phil's, the boy whose appearance said nothing about his personality. So long, he turned out to be exactly not who Dan thought he was.

"Think twice, Dan. It may work out. If the school will see you're managing a stable relationship, then all the rumors should be forgotten after a while," Phil pointed out.

It did make sense, somehow.

Dan faced him, "You think so?" he sniffed pitifully, watching. A smile bloomed on Phil's face and Dan's heart stopped beating for a second, until it carried on.

"I'm pretty sure of it."

Dan smiled back, but then another problem occured to him.

"But Rob . . ."

"Rob can go to hell," he barked, making Dan jump at the tone. Phil sighed, "I'm sorry, it's just- it was easy to see what happened in that classroom," he told and Dan's mouth fell open.

"He doesn't want you to move on," he continued and Dan blinked, furrowing his brows, "but it doesn't mean you can't."

Wow.

"Phil, let's get it straight," he spoke, hoping this was the right moment.

"Me and Rob aren't dating. And never were. This is a misunderstanding blown out of proportions," he said, staring intently at Phil. He looked surprised, but not as much as Dan expected him to be.

Dan munched on his bottom lip.

Phil wouldn't understand, he wouldn't believe, Dan thought as he observed the boy from the corner of his eye.

Should have cleared that up earlier, back when it didn't go to hell at such a big level.

"I don't know what you thought, but the truth is very much simple. I'm not his boyfriend. I never was."

Phil raised an eyebrow. Doubtful. So this is the moment he walks away.

The boy shifted, turning to him. There were so many emotions on his face; Dan couldn't pick out one.

"Why didn't you say so?" he whispered, like only now he found the last piece to his jigsaw and could solve it.

Dan blinked, surprised he didn't hear _'You're lying'_.

"You- you believe me?"

When he received a nod, Dan couldn't not choke out,

"Why? Literally everyone is saying, _'He slept with his friend's boyfriend',_ " he said, pretending to be one of the gossipers and feigning a high, girly voice.

Phil shrugged, "Had a hunch." Dan stared at him. "And I may have heard his conversation with Rick after they took you to the hospital," he added quietly, as though ashamed.

Now it was Dan's turn to ask,

"Why didn't you tell me?"

It would be so much easier, knowing someone else beside him and Rob knew.

Phil grimaced. "I tried. But you didn't seem happy to talk with me."

Dan wanted to smack himself in the face.

"Well, sorry for I am not the most trusting person," he mumbled.

He outstretched his legs, his knees popping after having been sitting in an uncomfortable position for the last ten or so minutes.

Dan blew out a breath.

"I'm not permissive."

"I know, Dan."

"And I don't want to be," he confessed quietly and Phil nodded in understanding. "I start dating you and I'm even more screwed."

A sigh came from his right. He looked at the black-haired. He had leant his head against the wall and closed his eyes. Dan could make out a neat black line just near his eyelashes. Eyeliner, that must have been. Dan glanced at the boy's lips, moving as he spoke, his voice so gentle and calm, so not fitting the image he presented.

"I know it's hard, but I would never offer you this if I didn't think it was necessary."

Oh, did it hurt. Like _hell_. Worse than the nicknames Andrew Smith threw at him as he gifted him with another kick.

Dan felt gloomy. His crush was so stupid. Phil Lester was straight, for all the signals he sent to the world. He was sunshine, dressed in a stormy cover, but he was a good egg who merely wanted to help another human being.

If Dan declined his help again, Andrew Smith or the Bulky's band would find him sooner or later. He didn't want that to happen. Not again.

Dan felt one lonely tear roll down his cheek but he let it. Phil didn't see him after all.

_"You're amazing, Phil,"_ he wanted to say, but that line he could leave for himself.

"Thank you," he stuttered with difficulty. "So, what we're supposed to do?"

Phil opened his eyes and grinned at him.

"I've got a few ideas."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never struggled with writing a chapter as much as this time. I don't mean I didn't enjoy writing it, but it turned out I had plot holes I needed to patch up (which was a real beach). I'm really satisfied with the final effect, though! It was also supposed to be entirely different, but I figured a word count of 7k could be too much for one chappy xD  
> So you can expect a new chapter to be uploaded this weekend :)  
> The reason behind the long wait was school. We suddenly had gasilion of work to do and tests to write and I wanted to keep a healthy sleeping schedule. (Sleep is important, I know from experience that ignoring it can bring long-lasting and awful side effects. So remember about your beauty sleep!)  
> Sorry for such long note, I had lots to tell you about :D  
> I hope you enjoyed! Comment and let me know if you did :)  
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/superasia8)/[tumblr](http://superasia8.tumblr.com)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This chapter wasn't beta-ed so all typos and such are my fault. I was about to send it to my friend but it was 3 and I haven't even finished invitations and I was like "O.O I have to get up in 3 hrs to finish those"  
> Went to sleep after that xD (i think so)  
> Enjoy the chapter and, please, read the note at the end as it's quite important.

The Mayhell was full by the time they've arrived to the parking lot. Phil had told him earlier that it would be the best possible time they could show up. With lots of witnesses, the rumor about their _'relationship'_ would be stable, and no one would doubt it.

It was only when Phil pushed open the door and they walked through the entrance that Dan fully realised what Phil had meant when he's said _'packed with people'_.

The main hall was literally packed. Students were moving, slowly, leisurely, still caught up in their post-weekend-and-any-possible-parties-and-hangover daze and slumber. Five minutes till classes started; that was Phil's perfect time.

Dan swallowed hard as he stared at the people before them. God, how many of them were here? The whole school? The whole universe? And what if Rob was here somewhere, too?

Phil squeezed his hand comfortingly and, as if unaware of people being shocked to their bones at the sight of them together and holding hands, led them through the crowd, in the direction of PJ and Chris. No one laughed, no one sniggered and people parted when they walked. Dan hung his head, the stares burning a hole in his head.

He felt like he was being evacuated by a really hot and strong bodyguard who everyone respected. He felt safe. Weird but safe.

"I thought you'd never make it to here!" told Chris and laughed at the crowds behind them. Phil glared at the students standing closest to them. They instantly disappeared out of their sight, dropping their curious glances to the floor.

Dan swallowed. Only now he realised how much the students respected Phil. Or were scared of him. Either was fine as long as it kept them away.

"Come on," Phil whispered, nudging him slightly, "let's get out of here, these stalkering stares are creepy."

They walked the halls, arousing silence from anyone who hadn't yet seen their intertwined palms. Dan would likely laugh, but the shock and disbelief that he could read from some of the faces was quite terrifying.

It would be perfectly okay, but then they bumped into someone. Or rather, someone into them.

"You!"

Dan instantly turned in the direction of the voice, smelling trouble. Ellie walked up briskly to him, finger pointed in a threatening way, but her attitude faltered as Phil faced her, too. She fixed her hair in attempts to look cool, but her mouth fell down a bit when she took in the sight of them both.

"You. . . you're together?!" she stuttered out, her gaze flicking between their faces and their hands. Dan blushed.

"B-but, but Rob-"

"Get your updates, Doge," Phil retorted, cutting in, not letting her have any word.

Ellie's lips turned into a flat, grim line.

"You're changing your partners frequently, Dan," she sneered at him and Dan shifted his weight nervously.

He knew it'd be like that. And Phil did, too. But here they were, shoving their relationship in front of her face. Dan wanted her to know, she deserved to. What could he do, though. Even if he did tell the truth, nobody would believe in it. Especially not Eliie. Everyone has already made up their mind, most probably.

"Playing with them one at a time, are you?" she asked, squinting her eyes. Dan lowered his head at the accusation.

"Okay, that's all," Phil all but barked in her direction, turning around and leading them away from the girl. For which Dan was glad.

"One day you'll have to face the truth, though! Dan will leave you, like he always does," she screamed after them. Dan turned around as they round the corner and only saw her kicking the nearest locker. Knowing Ellie, the students standing beside must have got shouted at, too. Poor souls.

"You're going to break my fingers," joked Phil and Dan flinched away, letting his hand go.

"Sorry," he said, looking over Phil. He didn't look at him and his shoulders were set rigid under his leather jacket. Was he already regretting his decision?

Dan gazed between his violet pimsolls with light pink shoelaces and Phil's heavy black boots. How could anyone believe in their relationship? They didn't even _seem_ to have common interests.

"Your class," Phil said as he stopped in his tracks and turned to go.

"Wh-"

Right. English class, he realised looking at the metal door with dozen posters of poetry contests on it. Phil has walked him to the door so nobody would do anything to him. That was the deal after all. Phil provided him with his invisible human shield and Dan... Dan what, actually? They hadn't discussed that out.

He grabbed Phil's hand on an impulse and the boy spun around in his direction.

"Thank you," Dan whispered, staring into his eyes. Phil was so close, they basically shared air in that momet. Dan could have kissed him easily. So tempting.

Phil nodded curtly, and his gaze travelled down, to Dan's lips. No, it didn't, but Dan was a dreamer.

"You should be fine today. Everyone is probably still in too much shock to make any approach," he explained quietly, glancing down. He fumbled with his pocket for a split moment. "In case anything would go wrong," he explained, leaning in and wrapping his arms around him, "here's my number," he whispered, patting his front pocket after slipping paper in there.

Dan swallowed hard, nodding. Phil leaned away. Smiled at him and walked off.

 _Fuck, why did he have to do that? He's gonna give me a heart attack, if he keeps this going_ , Dan thought.

He looked around and fixed the strap of his green bag on his shoulder. Catching an intrigued stare of a couple of students, who turned away instantly, he felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as he realised the sad truth.

Phil played to the grandstand. They had spectators. Phil and him were merely actors. And nothing more.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

The lunch break was a salvation.

Dan grabbed his bag and nearly flew out of the classroom. He ran, not caring about the stares which followed him through the whole day. No one dared to walk closer to him, as Phil predicted, but that didn't make it any easier.

Only the last short way and he'd reach the abandoned classroom, he told himself as he took a sharp turn to the left and, stopped abruptly.

His bag slid from his shoulder and he backed away. Breathing heavily from the jog and at seeing the person, he pried for his heart to stop racing like it was trying to win a competition. He shut his eyes, listening to the voice of the speaker. Dan didn't want to meet him, face to face. Not today, or the next day. Not without Phil. Ever.

"He what?!"

"Rob, don't get so upset. You don't care about that boy anyway."

The person's attempts at calming down that beast of a human seemed funny to Dan. But only because he wasn't there, nearby.

Rob and Rick. Standing there, in the middle of the hall, like nothing was wrong with the universe, having a casual chit chat. Just by the godamn door to the empty classroom. Luck wasn't with Dan that day.

"How did he even-" Rob started, angry and Dan turned his head away, the expression all too familiar. "It is obvious I don't care, Rick! I don't care! But don't you think he can ruin it all?"

"But- you said he agreed to help us," Rick pointed out. He sounded confused. Dan's mouth would drop to the floor if it wasn't attached to his face.

"He did!"

A moment of silence came in.

Dan took another step, away from the two. He needed to get to Phil, but Rob would see him the moment Dan left his hiding place. And the outcome would be. . . Dan shivered. He didn't want to think of the consequences of his and Phil's deal. Rob's poster and its lowbrow drawings along with the messily scribbled message were his constant worry.

"Rick, we've got to be careful, okay?" Rob spoke, tone gentle. Dan grimaced. He didn't think his ex-friend-not-ex-boyfriend could be anything but angry, physical and scary.

"If no one finds out, we should be okay," he whispered.

The wet, champing sound that came next must have been them kissing.

 _God, just don't have sex here, people might start thinking you're gay_ , Dan thought sarcastically and rolled his eyes.

"Remember what you're supposed to do?" muttered Rob and Dan leaned in a little to hear them better.

"Y- yeah, no worries, I've got it sorted," came a breathy reply.

"And the girl...?"

"Knows what you told me to. Rob, why did you ask me to-"

"You trust me, don't ya? Well, then trust me that Dan Howell doesn't have a clean record," Rob spoke and Dan's heart skipped a beat.

He pressed himself to the wall and tried to make himself invisible as he heard their footsteps.

 _Just go the other way, go the other way_ , he repeated like a broken CD.

His wish was granted and the echo of their departure faded into buzzing silence.

Dan didn't wait for them to think twice and change their minds. He bolted from his safe place to the door, trembling hands fumbling with the handle as he reached the classroom. The door gave away under his pressure and he nearly face planted onto the floor.

"Hey Dan, I thought you wouldn't come," Phil spoke, standing up from the desk he was sitting on earlier.

Dan didn't think much of it, he didn't want to. He walked straight into Phil's direction, and launched himself at him. He clinged to him desperately as he took a long, shaky breath out.

"D-Dan???" Phil choked out.

He hated it. Hated it more than being bullied; the need to hide in the corners to avoid all the stares, all the people. And Rob. And his godamn not-boyfriend.

Phil finally responded to the hug; wrapped his long arms around him like a safe cocoon.

"Hey, is everything okay?" he asked quietly, gently. Dan nodded, not letting go, nuzzled into him, face buried in his jacket.

"Just don't choke me," Phil pleaded and Dan lessened the grip on his waist.

Rob was a dick, that Dan knew about, but digging into his past like that? Dan was sure that he would find out that... find out what Dan himself avoided to remember. And then what, what else could he do? He has brought Dan's position to a rock bottom, he has manipulated him, God, he had tried to _strangle_ him once! What else was he capable of doing yet, Dan wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer to that.

"Are you seriously okay, Dan?" Phil inquired and Dan broke the hug, forcing himself to leave the safety that Phil's embrace provided.

"Have you run into someone? Wait, you were running?"

He flushed as Phil observed him attentively.

"N-no and yes," he answered cryptically and a crease wrinkled Phil's forehead.

"Hola amigos! Did you start your lunch without us?" sounded Chris's voice from the door as he pushed them open, his backpack carelessly slung over his shoulder. PJ walked in a second after, chatting animatedly about something.

Dan jumped away from Phil, as if burned, his cheeks a guilty rosy shade.

"No, we just got in," told Phil, facing the two, but glancing at Dan from time to time and his eyebrows creased every time his blue sky-like eyes landed on him.

"You know what we've heard? There's this party on Friday and guess who's invited?" asked Chris as he sat down on the desk across them, legs dangling.

As PJ took a seat next to him, he shot Dan a puzzled look, like he sensed something was up. Dan felt his cheeks grow warmer and he fixed his gaze on Chris, carefully avoiding the other's.

"Us! Us, guys! Can you believe? Never have we ever been invited to such a huge party! This one's a real biggie."

"And who's the host?" Phil asked.

Dan looked down and to Chris again. He was trying hard to concentrate on the conversation but PJ's intense observation was literally boring holes in him. Dan, frustrated, dared to look at him.

PJ was sitting cross legged, fingers steepled. His face told ' _I'm trying to solve this jigsaw but nothing's working_ ' as he kept scrutinising Dan, his tourquoise eyes alert. Dan smiled a little, repeating to himself that those people were his friends in crime and wouldn't judge him. After all, they already knew he liked boys. Could any other secret bring them apart?

PJ grinned at him and turned his attention to Chris.

"-probably don't know her, but doesn't matter. What does matter is that she invited us all!" Chris explained, beaming with happiness.

"Okay," Phil muttered, reaching for his bag that lay on the floor.

"Okay?!  _Okay???_ " Chris repeated after him, wide eyed. "We've got this exclusive occasion to finally shine and you're gonna do nothing about it?!"

"You can go if you want. I'll pass," Phil answered, rummaging through his backpack and putting out his lunch.

Dan realised he should probably eat something, too, and he opened his bag, searching for his sandwich.

"Seriously, dude? They've directed the flashlights on you, guys! Are you gonna miss your chance on being someone in this school and be all sad and depressed?"

"Yes-" Dan and Phil started in the same moment. They glanced at each other and Dan smiled, nodding at Phil to speak first.

"Chris, we're not doing this for any fun," he explained, facing the two. Dan's smile faltered, but he kept it on, nodding his head to the words.

"Alright, alright, you're doing this to keep any idiots away, I get it," Chris spoke, rolling his eyes and Dan added,  _'And Rob'_ , in his mind. "But for real, you should enjoy life and take whatever you can from it! You can't only shut yourself away from the society because they're kinda dicks."

Dan looked at Phil. He pressed his lips together. Dan cleared his throat and asked,

"How many people will be there?"

The three boys looked at him, quite surprised he's spoken.

Chris furrowed his brows, "Supposed to be a big jag so maybe around fifty?"

"Do you know if Rob will be there?" he inquired, uneasy for asking so straight, but feeling he had to.

"Uhh, I don't know, the girl told cool people only, sooo..."

"So we should go," he suggested shyly.

PJ and Chris shared a glance, Phil nearly spurted the water he was drinking.

"You sure?" He studied Dan with such disbelief, the brunet rolled his eyes.

"And why not? It's just a party and Chris is right," Dan said, voice quiet as he looked into Phil's eyes.

There were questions, thousands of which he'll probably never express, Dan thought.

"But if Rob does show up?" he pointed out and Dan grimaced. He didn't want to think about that. But he also didn't want to become these cool guys' dead weight they needed to carry with them everywhere.

"Then you'll be there with me," he reasoned and smiled in encouragement.

Phil crossed his arms and let out a breath, like a fed up mother.

"Be it," he mumbled and Chris let out a scream of victory.

"Bro, I like your style," he said to Dan, grinning. He smiled back and fist bumped Chris's outstretched fist, ignoring the anxious hunch that soon things were gonna go horribly wrong.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

_We're not doing this for any fun_ , Dan reminded himself as he got off his bus and walked through the parking lot to Phil. They were doing it every day now; meeting up before school to go in together. Seemed like a tradition.

Phil was leaning on his car - colour deep blue, surprisingly. His onyx hair did not reflect the blazing sun the tiniest bits. Inherent black leather jacket, impossibly tight skinny jeans -how did he even fit in them- and a black t-shirt.

Gee, they should ban being hot.

"Hi," Dan said as he walked up to the car. Phil looked up at him. Removed his sunglasses, smiling widely at him.

Dan flashed him a smile.

"So, where are Chris and PJ?"

"Somewhere in school, they had," Phil coughed, "they had some school project to finish," he explained, averting Dan's gaze, blush blossoming on his cheeks.

Dan furrowed his brow, but said nothing.

"Okaaay, cool. Anyway, we should go inside or else we'll get detention."

"Don't fear, pastel boy," Phil said, getting his stuff off his car. He headed toward the school; through the parking lot with merely a place to put another car. Dan followed beside him.

He blinked, glancing at Phil, "I can't believe you've just called me a pastel boy."

Phil frowned.

"Is there something wrong about it?", he asked as he checked his face for any clues. Dan laughed.

"No, I mean- it's better than a pastel freak or, or a weirdo," he explained but upon seeing Phil's hard expression, he shut up.

Maybe it was better for him to keep silent and quiet.

Another second and he'd tell Phil about his feelings toward him. God, wouldn't  _that_ be amusing.

"Phil, my hand!" he hissed as the boy entered the school, oblivious that they weren't doing it together.

Dan huffed and puffed, jogging up to him and taking Phil's hand in his in the last second. Phil stared at him in surprise as he opened the door. Dan rolled his eyes.

"You're gonna ruin our act," he pointed out quietly and Phil nodded in acknowledgement, but his eyes seemed a bit sad- no, rather simply pissed off.

Here he was, again, and needed to babysit the pastel boy who couldn't protect himself. Dan felt sorry he agreed to do so.

They entered with people's heads turning, glancing, the hunger for rumours still not full.

Dan walked with his head up, not fearing the stares. They could do nothing to him, they were only people interested in what was up. Stares didn't kill.

Phil suddenly stopped. Dan bumped into his back and swore floridly.

"Phil?"

"Well, well, well," said the person who crossed their path and Dan's blood ran cold.

He was sure he was crushing Phil's hand in that very moment.

Stares didn't kill. It was truth.

He peeked from behind Phil's shoulder and his stomach twisted like a ribbon.

But people did.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, who is it? What do you think? :D  
> I've officially finished my school year! *stands proud grinning*  
> Next year is my last school year before uni so I have to choose what do I want to do with my life. Slightly terrifying, if you ask me, but, well, we all have to go through this :D What I mean is that I'll probs spend some time on studying and thinking about my future so even tho I have no school, I may not update as frequently as you could suspect.  
> Hope you liked the chapter, let me know in the comments and have a beautiful day!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! An update a week after one? See, that's why holidays are gold to a writer :D I'll probs be gone from 11th and I'm not sure I'll have time to write this week. Who knows, though? :p  
> Not to spoil you, but you get to see who the heck dared to step in our boys' way. Tell me if your bets were right, I'm so interested if you guessed it right :D  
> And most importantly, enjoy :)

"Well, well, well," said a high but male voice.

Dan peeked from behind Phil's shoulder and his stomach twisted like a ribbon.

"What do we have here?" Andrew Smith asked. He had a huge grin on his face as he walked closer toward them.

Phil stepped in front of Dan, shielding him from Andrew. Dan didn't see his expression but he could bet he was far, far from friendly.

"The pastel freak. Hello."

Three other boys accompanied him. One of them winked at Dan as if knowingly, saying 'hi' and Dan gulped heavily. He knew them. Or at least how their punches and kicks felt on his body.

He squeezed Phil's hand tighter and involuntarily let out a quiet pathetic whimper. Phil must have heard it because he turned his face back to him for a second, azure eyes searching for an answer in his.

He could only look down and shake his head lightly.

Phil turned back to the group after a milisecond, and asked nonchalantly, "And you are...?" while scanning Andrew.

His voice was calm but tight. God, Phil was a sweetheart but right now he was all but.

"I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the freak," Andrew answered, his reply followed by the sneers from the group. "And I bet the freak knows that he's done wrong."

Dan wanted to run away when Andrew stared right at him.

"I- I told you it's none of your business," he uttered weakly, gaze fixed on the floor.

"You heard him," Phil barked. "Get lost. Now."

Someone moved and Dan looked up. Andrew moved slightly toward them. His face was flushed and his lips tight.

"Fuck you both. You're the disgusting faggot here," he sneered at Dan. "And you..." he pointed a finger at Dan's 'boyfriend', "you're just an idiot. The girl was right," he muttered.

Dan leant in. He felt Phil shift his weight slightly.

"What do you mean?"

One of the corners of Andrew's lips twitched. He turned to leave, but then he stopped.

"He misled Rob and now the idiot is you," he explained quietly before he walked away with his group.

Dan watched with anxiety as their figures disappeared behind the corner. He let out a long breath.

"Are you okay?" Phil asked, turning to him instantly.

"Yeah, I'm fine, totally fine," he replied automatically, breathing in and out rapidly. He has never run in a marathon but it must feel exactly the same.

If Dan was alone, Andrew Smith would never fuck off with his band. Surely, they'd grab him with no big effort and give him another lesson or two.

"Dan, you're fine, they're gone," Phil's reassurance broke through the mist of his panicked thoughts like a single clear wave through the static of a broken radio.

He shook his head, "I'm alright, I'm fine," but his hands shook when the boy took them in his and Dan realised his legs trembled, too. Hell, they would give away under him in a matter of seconds.

Phil tucked some loose strands of the brown hair behind his ear. He offered, "Let's go somewhere private," and pointed with his head to the onlookers.

Dan agreed.

He was led through the main hall to the empty classroom again. Phil closed the door after them and when Dan thought they would only sit and talk or sit in silence, Phil walked toward him and wrapped his arms around him.

"Phil?" he asked with uncertainty, but brought his arms in the same manner.

"Hugs calm you down usually, right?" Phil asked quietly.

Fuck. His fucking heart.

Dan couldn't answer. He nodded.

Phil held him. Arms wrapped around Dan brought a comfort no blanket, no matter how fluffy, couldn't provide. It was enough for his frantic thoughts to stop swirling around in his head.

"Thank you," he mumbled into the black shirt. He doubted Phil could understand but surprisingly, he nodded. Knew he was grateful.

Dan leaned away a little. He munched on his bottom lip nervously. He had to explain it to Phil. He had to know.

He raised his head and stared into the eyes which origin must have been of an ocean.

"He- he found me one time. Doesn't like who I am." He glanced down, fists clenched on Phil's shirt. "Told me that."

Phil was silent. Then, he gently uncurled Dan's hands and, holding them, thumb rubbing over his fingers, he said,

"He hurt you."

It was obvious. What else Andrew could do - nothing. He wouldn't invite Dan for a coffee and politely explain to him all his personal against's toward his liking to the men.

"We're in high school," Dan pointed out. "And it's okay now," he added quietly, squeezing Phil's shoulder. "We should go, we're running late."

The boy looked him in the eyes.

"If he does it again, I'll find him," he promised, voice deep and sincere.

Dan stared. He stared and watched the blue irises and the face and the lips of a man who seemed to care so much. Last time Dan felt this way, he still had his friends, hadn't been outed and hated by the whole school. It was such a new feeling to him, he had to blink because his heart warmed up and tingled with happiness and his throat squeezed.

He didn't ask what Phil would do with Andrew.

*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***

Two days before the party Dan panicked. He confessed to Phil he wanted Chris to have fun, but was terrified of the idea to face the students anywhere outside of school grounds. Phil listened with a worried look on his face and with a patience Dan has never even seen in young mothers who tended to their crying babies.

"I just hate it that you can't go anywhere without me hanging at your feet like ball and chain," he confessed as he wrung out his fingers.

They were alone, the two of them sitting in the empty classroom even though their new reputation would allow them to have quite a calm lunch in the cafeteria. Although, they liked it here. This place was theirs and nobody from the school wanted to spend time here. It was thought to be too dusty and situated in a too far away corner of the school building. Strangely enough, that was exactly why Dan liked it.

Phil bit on his bottom lip and stared down. Dan watched as he raised his mesmerizing blue eyes to him. Oblivious of being such an amazing and gorgeous person.

"We can always just skip the party," his 'boyfriend' suggested.

Dan stammered, "The news got out already."

Phil raised an eyebrow at him, "The Shippers?"

Dan nodded and Phil let out a frustrated sound.

It was crazy how fast things could change. Just because of gossips. One day, the whole school wanted to publicly execute Dan and the next, a group of people arised which, contrary to popular opinion, portrayed an opposing view. They called themselves Shippers and woved to be their allies.

"Can't Chris and PJ come alone tho?" Phil asked and only sighed at Dan's light shake of head. "Damn. . ."

Dan stared at his shoes.

"It will be okay, I- I'll handle it. Somehow."

The boy beside him stood up abruptly and placed himself in front of Dan.

"No," he disagreed firmly.

Phil folded his arms. Crossing the classroom from the door to Dan, he explained,

"If you do not want to do this, you don't have to. They can't tell us what to do. You are my boyfriend and I won't let you do this unless you're okay with it."

Dan felt warm inside, but smirked, glancing at the boy,

"A pretend boyfriend, forgot?"

Phil froze. He turned in Dan's direction and suddenly appeared right in front of his face.

Dan gulped heavily.

Shit, so close, so damn close. Too damn close.

"And you think it doesn't mean anything?" he retorted, up in arms, his breath tickling Dan's face. Dan couldn't give any reply and Phil grunted.

He got his leather backpack and walked to the exit.

"PJ and Chris will be here in a few minutes. Just wait here," he said by the door and left before Dan could even stand up.

"But- Phil!" he ran to the door but as he peeked, glancing in the two different directions, there was already no sight of the mop of the black hair and the blue strands.

Dan returned to his seat by the window, dragging his feet. Wrapping arms around himself, he observed the entrance. Then, he saw him. Phil was stomping through the parking lot, his backpack bouncing a little as he trudged on through the students who chose to spend their lunch time outside. They stared at him, probably noticing his anger. Probably wondering who could have caused it.

Phil approached his blue mazda. Taking out his keys, he glanced. Right at the window. It was impossible he saw Dan, but the rubbernecks still followed him. Dan backed away instantly, falling off the windowsill in the process. Rubbing his now aching butt, he got up, exposing his head enough to watch Phil start the engine and drive out of the parking lot.

Dan let out a long sigh as he turned away from the window and plopped down. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall for a minute. Trying to think clearly, trying not to be bothered by Phil's words. What did he mean? Of course it did mean something to Dan, but he couldn't live in an illusion, couldn't let himself believe this was true when it was just a show.

Everyone else had to believe it, they couldn't even consider their relationship to be fake. But Dan. . . His heart wouldn't be able to handle this situation. He had too big of a crush on Phil Lester to talk seriously and joke about them, at the same time.

He finally got his bearings and sat on the desk he and Phil were perched on earlier. Dan stared off into distance. If he had his phone with him, he could play a game and not think about that angry hurt look Phil sent him when Dan said those words. But he had left his phone in his room. It lay there, unused since the time Phil had turned it off.

Dan didn't feel strong enough to delete the messages. Plus, he was sure his number was as available as the emergency number these days.

He sighed and glanced at his lunch box. He hasn't touched it and also didn't have any food that morning, but somehow he didn't feel hungry. Maybe it was because of Phil. Most probably.

"Chris, stop this, he'll see. . ." came the sound of PJ's voice from the hall.

With the sleeve of his sweater, Dan wiped his eyes, the few tears surprising Dan himself.

"You're such a traditionalist. He needs to find out. The sooner the better."

The door opened and Dan looked up at the grinning face of Chris.

"Hi, Daniel! We've got something to tell you," he exclaimed, leading PJ behind, their hands intertwined.

PJ rolled his eyes, "You would find out eventually -"

"We're together!"

"- but he was too excited to wait," finished Peej, smiling at the boy beside.

"That's- wow, that's amazing," Dan spluttered, standing up and hugging each boy.

"Yeah, it is. . ." Chris drifted off, admiring his boyfriend like he was a wonder. To Chris, he was. Dan's heart clenched.

PJ glanced around, "Wait- Dan? Where is Phil?"

Dan looked down, at his hands.

"He left. I- we fought."

PJ rested his hand on Dan's shoulder, reassuring.

"He'll come back. I'm sure."

Dan nodded, breathing out shakily.

*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***

The problem was, Phil didn't. Didn't come back as the bell rang, announcing the end of the lunch break. Dan couldn't spot the boy even after the next class has ended.

"He had to take care of something," PJ said to him as they trooped to their next class.

Dan nodded in acknowledgement, but when they sat at their desks and he turned around to ask for a spare pencil, he saw PJ's texts.

_what did u do_

_Dan seems so sad_

_did u break up_

Chris sneered at his boyfriend, nudged him rather not gently and PJ glanced up, a guilty look over his face. Dan turned around in his seat instantly, trying to listen to the lecture and tune out PJ's explanations and apologies.

He was the first one to leave the classroom. He jogged down the hall, ignoring PJ's and Chris's voices.

"Dan, I'm sorry, it's- I'm not his cover, Dan. I just know he must have an important reason for acting like that," PJ said, a little out of breath as he caught up with him.

"It's alright. I'm fine," he lied, not only to them, but to himself, too. "Surely something came up."

Chris walked beside in silence. They left the school building.

"Hey, do you want a ride?" Chris asked as they approached the parking lot.

"Nah, thanks," Dan said, his hand clenching around the strap of his green skully bag. He stared at the horizon, searching in the crowds of students for Rob or Andrew or Ellie or Erick. He didn't see any of them.

"You sure?" PJ made sure. Dan nodded. "Okay, just. . . just take the bus so you avoid any- anyone."

Dan smiled and waved them goodbye as the two drove away in Chris's car. He didn't hurry but to his surprise, he didn't meet anyone who might want to snap his neck. The walk back took him twice the time he usually needed. He trailed back to his house. Passed his mother whom he greeted with no big enthusiasm to go and be alone his room for the remainder of the day.

He needed to think.

Laying his bag on the floor, he slouched in his chair, spinning slowly and sighing heavily from time to time.

"A tough day?"

Dan almost fell of his chair at the sound of his mother's voice.

"Jesus Christ! You scared me," he said, catching the desk to preserve from ending up on the floor.

His mother chuckled from the doorway.

"May I come in?"

He nodded as she took a seat on his bed. If she wanted him to sit down in a minute, well, then there must be a serious conversation to follow.

_This is bad_ , he thought when his mother beckoned him to join her and he swore in his head, but did as she wanted.

It couldn't mean anything good. She surely didn't want to tell him they finally agreed for him to have shiba inu. No, they were probably going to have a nice mature talk. Fuck. Those were not exactly his strong side.

"So, what's up?" he asked, as he made himself comfortable and tried not to have a bad feeling.

She sent him a smile and tucked a single strand of hair behind his ear. However it was one of the rebellious strands. She gave up after few attempts, huffing.

"It suits you, but it looks so messy," she complained in the posh accent he probably inherited from her. She scrunched her freckly nose in dissatisfaction and Dan rolled his eyes, but smiled. "Alright, alright, you look beautiful."

"What's the matter, mum?" he inquired.

Her smile dropped as she looked down, at her lap. Fixing her gaze with his, she tried to crack a small smile. It didn't quite work out. It looked more like a grimace.

"We had a call. From your school," she started, but Dan knew where exactly this conversation was going. "They've found vulgar posters hung around the whole building."

Wow, they were so quick. It had been over a week since that happened.

"Dan, honey, do you want to talk about it with me?"

Dan bit on his bottom lip. He didn't think he could. There was a lump in his throat.

"It was a joke, nothing else," he stammered, but couldn't face to look in her green eyes at the same time.

She shifted on his bed, sat closer to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, the touch steadying and calming his nerves.

"Dan, please, look at me," she pleaded. He raised his gaze and met hers. "I want to know if something's bad going on in my son's life. I don't want to see you sulking because some kids are being mean to you. We can transfer you again, Dan. Only if you want us to. It won't be a problem. Dad can arrange his working hours a bit differently and I can, too," she assured him. "We don't want you to have to go through something similar as last year."

"I- I know," he choke out shakily and stared at his hands. "Thank you, but it's not anything I can't deal with. I'll work it out, okay? Let me," he begged.

Above everything, he didn't want to leave. He wanted to set things straight. He wouldn't run, no, not this time again. He'd fight. And he'd win.

His mother sighed, pondering. She smiled at him.

"You're my little warrior, you know that?" and kissed his forehead.

"Mum!" Dan protested, but she already stood up, chuckling.

She walked to the door, but stopped by the doorframe.

"You would tell me if something serious was going on and you needed our help, right?"

Dan nodded slowly, not quite sure he wasn't lying. But, he had managed so far on his own. Maybe with the help of Phil Lester and his friends, but he was alive.

His mother smiled at him warmly and left the room, her footsteps muffling as she walked down the stairs.

Dan sighed and lay on his back on his black chequered blanket. Knees in the air and his eyes closed, he pondered of how he was supposed to set things straight. When Phil was beside him, he felt confident, that he could change the world.

_Without him,_ he thought to himself as he stared at his flowery ceiling,  _without you, Phil. Who am I? Who will I be when you're gone?_

And with that unanswered question in his mind, he drifted off into restless sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who expected a good ending? Not with me lol  
> If you're interested in what happens next, don't forget to subscribe! Comment and let me know your thoughts! It makes me more excited to write the next chapter and it usually goes faster :3  
> tumblr/twitter: superasia8


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter eight on the 8th of July lol  
> Enjoy *wink wink*

Dan awoke to a weird feeling. He glanced around his room, now dark as the sun had set. His eyes were still bleary from the sleep, but he wasn't blind. And he backed away instantly. He fell off his bed, his legs flailing and his heart racing ten thousands miles a minute.

"What the hell?!" he yelled, scrambling to his feet as he stared at the figure who stood up from his chair. Dan could bet they were sitting there earlier. Watching him.

More than creeped out, he quickly reached for the switch to the fairylights hanging on the wall by his bed and clicked it on. A soft blue light shone over the room, revealing the person.

Nice long legs, black jeans and a leather jacket came into his sight. The pair of icy blue eyes seemed to gleam in the dark.

"Phil? What the- How did you get here?" Dan demanded, suddenly feeling too self-conscious of his body, of his room, of the whole situation.

His eyes flickered over every surface, checking if his room wasn't too messy. Luckily, it wasn't. His room was the normal sort of messy, the a-teen-lives-here kind. The white desk he decoupaged with flowers had only his pen holder and the fifty or so pencils he forgot to put away. His chair with two black cushions resting against the backrest - the one Phil was occupying earlier - looked neat and his bed with the black and grey chequered bedspread was made.

Walls - colour of which was a mix of almond, pink and violet - were covered in posters of his favourite bands. Muse and Fall Out Boy took up the most of the space. To hell with Phil if he judged him. It was Dan's room, for fuck's sake.

So why his opinion seemed so important?

Dan straightened his sweater - crumpled a little from having slept on it - and flushed as the boy stared at him.

"I- I'm sorry," Phil stammered, looking down. "PJ texted me and I realised how much of a dick move I pulled on you today," he confessed, gazing into Dan's eyes. "I shouldn't have left, I shouldn't have stormed out like that."

Dan relaxed a little. It was alright, in some sense of the word. Phil wanted to apologise.

"Couldn't you wait till tomorrow?" he asked, rubbing his eyes with his left hand. "We'd see each other. You know, in school?"

The boy's eyes fell to the ground. Was it- was it a blush on his cheeks?

Phil shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He puffed out his lips.

"I couldn't wait," he said softly and Dan stared. "I had to tell you-" Phil halted, scrunching his nose. "When you told me that-" he paused and a grimace passed over his face.

Did he mean...? Phil felt the same and wanted to tell him? Shit, he would tell him, right? He was so shy and so nervous. He must have something rather important to tell Dan.

He knew his heart would pretty much give out if he didn't find out soon. Like, right then.

"Yeah?" Dan asked, waiting, voice tiny in the dimness of his room.

Phil looked at his feet. "I just can't bear to see you do something you're not okay with."

_Oh._

Dan hoped his face hasn't literally fallen, that the stab he felt in his heart was invisible on the outside. But Phil didn't see, his eyes were fixed on the floor, not on Dan's face, not on his watering eyes.

"I know Rob has probably made you do things you weren't totally cool with," Phil carried on upon no reply from Dan. "I don't want to do the same."

Phil studied Dan's floor - the fluffy beige carpet. If only he looked up, he would understand. He would notice that Dan was so close to breaking down and crying any second now. He would see the shaky quiet breath Dan let out, he would see how his eyes turned glassy all of a sudden.

And Phil would understand. That smart mind which hid under the black and blue hair would finally get how strong emotions Dan has possesed toward it from the moment they first talked and Dan learnt Phil was no bully, that his look was just a look, but nothing else. A perfect cover, at the same time, but just a fucking look. Nothing more.

"I did agree to the whole thing," he remarked, sounding too rough to his own liking. He cleared his throat, "I thought you knew."

Phil glanced up. His forehead wrinkled in thought and Dan only hoped the few tears that did fall were few enough not to be seen by the boy.

"Yeah, I just-" Phil took a step toward him. "I realised we will probably have to do things that we haven't really discussed out earlier."

Dan raised an eyebrow in both curiosity and fear.

"Meaning?"

Phil blushed and rubbed at the nape of his neck. He was literally blushing, his cheeks as if tinged with a pastel pink paint. It was too cute. Phil shouldn't be cute. Dan was supposed to be angry at him.

"Eh. . . Parties are- you know how parties look like," the boy stammered, not meeting his gaze and Dan nodded, rolling his eyes.

Of course he knew what parties looked like. Maybe he wasn't the most popular type but he did attend a few parties in his school life. They were often full of drinking, chatting and socializing. He was scared the most of the latter. Maybe that was the reason why eventually he stopped appearing at them. Or because one Friday no invitations from the students appeared in his inbox. Both were true, Dan knew.

"There will be lots of people who doubt our relationship," Phil said, finally looking Dan in the eyes. The blue crossing with the brown.

"I think we'll have to give them some proof."

Dan blinked.

They were already holding hands, they've called themselves a couple on the beginning of this week. Was it not enough?

"But we do hold hands. . ." he drifted off, trying to comprehend what Phil's words meant.

"I- I know," Phil agreed, flashing Dan a weak smile, like the boy was trying to comfort him a little. What was going on?

"But?"

Phil gave him another sheepish smile, "I think we have to show them that we are together. Like, more physically."

"More physically? More than already?" Phil nodded and Dan blushed. "You mean like-" he hesitated with saying it out loud. "Like what couples do?" he choked out at last, blushing enormously.

Could Dan be more cringy, Phil was too polite to point it out.

"Would you be okay with that?" Phil asked, slowly stepping closer.

For a second Dan forgot he had a tongue.

"We don't have to, you know. It was just an idea. A stupid one, for that matter," the beautiful boy added, laughing to himself.

_Oh, fuck it. YOLO is my motto after all._

"We'd have to make a rehearsal, though," Dan whispered, mouth dry. Anticipating.

He saw a hint of smile on Phil's face as the boy took one last step that separated them and looked down at Dan. Phil was slightly taller from Dan, but they were almost the same height. Almost.

"I could ruffle your hair right now," the boy pointed out, his blue eyes glimmering in that dim light.

"Are you gonna do that at the party, too? Or did you mean something else? More _'physical'?_ " Dan tried to be subtle with the hints. Phil grinned at his attempts.

The boy leaned down and after a few agonizing seconds that stretched into much too long, his and Dan's lips met in a short but sweet kiss. Dan felt calm and fuzzy inside but at the same time he could tell his heart wanted to escape his chest.

"That was quick," Dam whispered, their faces almost touching.

"Well, we can always try again. They're called rehearsals for a reason," Phil muttered and before Dan had a chance to come up with a sneaky retort, he kissed Dan again.

One of Phil's hands travelled down to Dan's waist, a gentle touch, and the other to his neck. Dan was glad for the grounding. He wasn't sure if he wouldn't fly off the face of the Earth if nothing held him down.

Dan wrapped his arms around the boy, bringing them even closer than before. Phil pushed on him, steering him to walk backwards. Dan had no idea what the boy had in mind but then Dan's knees hit the bed and he understood.

Millions of thoughts were running through the jumble he usually called his head. What Dan was just doing couldn't be good. But godamnit, they were just kissing. For the fun of it, to make their relationship all the more realistic. Not because they were in love with each other. Dan was, but Phil didn't know that.

Kissing wasn't illegal after all.

He wondered if he would regret it with time. But then, who told that he couldn't dream? Well aware that it was all an act, Dan's feelings couldn't get hurt because he already knew it wasn't real.

And above everything, Phil was a damn good kisser and it felt nice.

So nice that when Phil lowered him to the bed, laying Dan down, he let out a sigh of content between the kisses. The boy, of course, noticed. He grinned, pulling away.

"If they don't believe us-" he said in between next kisses, "-then I don't know what they expect."

Dan hummed in agreement as his hands roamed Phil's chest, his fingers trying to sneak under the black material. He needed it out of his way. Right then. Though Dan tried really hard, with every time he failed because the boy's mouth trailed from his lips to his neck. Mercilessly slowly, leaving a burning feeling anywhere Phil left a kiss. Dan had to abandon his plans, so overwhelmed by the sensations that shaky little breaths left his mouth. He tilted his head back, lips parted, almost moaning under the touch of the boy's lips on his skin.

Phil grunted as he started to suck at his skin- No, wait, he couldn't grunt. It wouldn't make sense.

And it sounded from the door, not from above him.

"Boys. . . You may want to tone it down a little," said his mother.

Oh God, said his mother, standing somewhere there, in the doorway.

They broke away from each other in an instant, like thieves caught red-handed. Which, in fact, they were. Not thieves, but very closely.

They were both panting, their fringes pretty much messed up and Phil's shirt rolled up a little. Dan couldn't look at his mother but he had to check her reaction. He glanced up and, yes, she was flushed with embarrasment at having seen her son in a situation like this.

Well, they could look just the same.

"Umm, I can explain-"

"I understand we have a guest," she cut him off, giving both of them her warm smile. For someone who has just walked in on two teen boys having a full blown make-out, she managed well. "Why didn't you say so earlier? I'd make more food. It must have been one of my mother's instincts because I actually prepared too much. We literally could feed a whole army," she laughed at her own joke.

Dan could predict that in a minute she'd start babbling and that could be the worst ending. He had only once seen his mother babbling. And it was right after he found her with his dad in a. . . in a closet. None of them has talked about it and his parents kept a poker face. The image, however, was etched in Dan's memory.

He ran to the door, pushing his mother out of the doorway, and into the hallway.

"I'm so sorry, I- we weren't going to-"

His mother shushed him. Her face was still red, and she avoided to look into his eyes for longer than three seconds but she seemed more composed.

Dan, on the opposite, was on the verge of a panic attack.

"Oh, if you have only told me that you invited someone over, I would knock," she explained, lowering her voice.

"But- you're. . . you're not angry?" he choked out, confused.

His mother smiled, "Of course I am. I have to be," she then winked at him. But her face turned solemn in the next second, "We will have a serious conversation later," she warned him and Dan had a hard time stopping himself from rolling his eyes.

The talk about _the_ sex. Great. Dan couldn't wait. Sweet.

"I'm just happy you're letting your past stay in the past," she said with a tear in her eye.

"Mum, please-"

"-I know, I know," she filled in for him. "Don't make you regret I was the one who gave birth to you, I remember," she recited words he once used.

She smiled at him once, and turned to the staircase, "Dinner will be in twenty. Please, make you and your. . . friend look decently," she asked him as she descended the stairs.

Dan breathed out and went back into the room. Phil was exactly were Dan left him; half sitting, half lying on his bed, hair a complete chaos and a quite shocked expression on his face.

"I- I'm sorry for this. The doors weren't closed," he told Phil.

For a second Phil remained frozen, unmoving like a statue. Then, a big smile brighted his face and he laughed, burying his face in his hands.

"What? Why are you laughing?" Dan inquired, leaning down toward Phil, corners of his own lips rising on its own accord.

Phil chuckled and explained, "It was our first rehearsal and we already had an audience."

Dan bit on his bottom lip, "I swear, Philip, you're the worst. If you do not stop laughing, I'll break up with you," he threatened.

The boy only clutched at his stomach, laughing harder and even though it pained Dan that it all was just a fake, he soon joined the boy.

Needless to say, they almost made it on time to the dinner.

*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***

The meal passed in the weirdest atmosphere Dan has ever endured. His mum tried to strike up a conversation while his father questioned Phil, as if he were a suspect he had to interrogate.

"So, you and my son are. . .?" he drifted off, leaving a visible pause for them to speak up.

"Boy-"

"Friends," said Dan, cutting Phil off and sending daggers his way. Phil raised an eyebrow at that.

His father watched them both. The wrinkles on his forehead indicated his confusion.

"Friends," pressured Dan.

"So it's not official yet?" asked his mum, tone so nonchalant but so suggestive. "Oh, James, I think we were not meant to know that," she said, turning to dad. "Maybe Dan's not ready to tell us," she added as she speared some of the salad onto her fork and raised it to her mouth.

Dan stared at his plate, avoiding anyone's gaze.

His dad cleared his throat, "Philip, or is it Phil? What school do you go to?"

Dan was glad for change of the subject, but after they finished the dinner and Phil and he were assigned to help with the plates, Phil whispered,

"Friends? Really, Dan?"

Dan dried the plate with a cloth, purposefully not looking at the boy.

"We were caught at it, it's not like we can hide it. From your mum, at least," the boy remarked quietly as Dan gave him the last plate to put away.

Dan didn't explain himself, feeling quite stupid but at the same time right. His parents didn't need to know about them. Any  _'we'_ that existed was an act. He didn't want to have to lie to his parents, too. Had enough people to trick already.

He wanted to tell Phil, but he couldn't find any words that would voice his thoughts the way he meant them.

The boy said his goodbye to Dan's parents, thanking for such delicious dinner and immediately scoring brownie points with his mother. Dan rolled his eyes, but smiled when Phil received a tight hug from her and a handshake from his father.

"You have great parents," his 'boyfriend' stated after Dan walked him to the door. They stood in the hallway like two shy kids, away from each other.

Dan looked down, "Well, you haven't seen my mum when I forget to take out the trash."

Phil chuckled softly, "I guess not," he agreed, glancing down for a split second. "I better go, it's quite late," he said, staring attentively into Dan's eyes. "See you tomorrow?"

"Of course," Dan assured, opening the door for the boy. Phil waved him goodbye as he walked down the stairs through the front yard to his car. Dan closed the door and let out a long breath.

He would never believe if his past self said that he'd make out with someone he wasn't boyfriends with for real. For a stupid reason he let Phil kiss him. No, he not only let Phil kiss him, Dan  _encouraged_ him to do so. He not only agreed to become more physical with the boy, but he also showed his willingness. And Phil. Phil seemed to like it. . .? But then, during the dinner Phil had to blurt out to his parents that they were together. Which they weren't. It was ridiculous that he did. Considering they would never date for real. Phil said so one time.

_'I'd never ask you that if it wasn't necessary.'_

He declared it. Loud and clear.

It only added to Dan's annoyance and frustration.

He felt a sudden need to let Phil Lester know how big of a crush he had on him and how big of an idiot Phil Lester was for not noticing. Dan opened the front door again, determined to either find out if the boy felt the same or nothing at all. Bare his emotions in front of him and kiss the stupid boy or put their acquaintance, their fake relationship, whatever it was between them, to an end. He was ready to tell him, to finally stop the uncertainty, the dubiety. To know why Phil kissed him like he wanted to, why he caught that mysterious glint in the blue eyes when Dan suggested they try it out.

As he jogged down the stairs though, the blue mazda was gone already.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Subscribe if you want to be notified of an update, kudo the story, comment - feed the author ^_^ and let me know if you liked that rehearsal! You make my day with your opinions <3  
> A smol self-promo: *insert drums* Soon I'll be posting a part II of a big story I've started writing for PBB, but which turned out to be too long to finish as a part of it. Anyone who would fancy to read a punk/photographer AU? :D  
> tumblr/twitter: superasia8


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't lie, I really really enjoyed writing this. Maybe a little but too much :p

_As if everything is normal between us, that how we'll act like now_ , Dan guessed as the next day he walked through the parking lot and Phil was already there, waiting.

The boy was leaning against the passenger door of the blue car, typing on his phone. As soon as he glanced up and noticed Dan, he grinned and slipped the device back into his pocket.

"Hi there," Phil greeted him and before Dan could reply, the boy leant down and pecked him on the cheek.

For a second Dan stood still, trying to rewind the last three seconds. Phil grabbed his black backpack, like it was the most sane thing to do right then, and flung it over his shoulder.

"You coming or not?" he asked, obviously staring at Dan with a sly smile on his face.

"Uh- yeah, I am," he stuttered and the two made their way toward the school building, toward the entrance. Dan held a hand over where Phil's lips barely grazed his skin as he followed the boy, a little behind.

He couldn't bear the confusion that flouded his mind. From a peck on the cheek. It was so ridiculous. It wasn't even close to what they had done the day before, but the gesture bothered Dan a lot. He didn't quite know why.

And so halfway through their walk to the school, he said,

"Phil, please wait," and grabbed the boy's hand. A shot of electricity ran through Dan. Though his heart leapt, he asked, "Why- why the kiss?"

He hardly gave a damn that they stood in the middle of the school parking lot and that any other student could be trying to find a place to park. He had to know so he forced the butterflies in his stomach to stop fluttering.

The question, though, came out weirder than Dan thought it would. It sounded much better in his head but Phil Lester was no medium.

"I just-" Dan paused and licked his lips, adding, "Why now? Just like that?"

Phil gawked, the blue eyes transfixed on their hands and for a few seconds he didn't answer. He then took a breath, shaking off of whatever-it-was and looked up at Dan, one corner of his lips raised in a small smile.

"For good morning, you dumbass," he explained, chuckling when Dan only stared as a form of a reply, completely dumbfounded. Phil looked down at their hands. "Practice is the key to success. It won't be so weird to do it around the others, if we grow used to it," he said, much quieter now.

He surveyed Dan and Dan observed the boy in return, as well. Dan thought he caught Phil's gaze linger on his lips for a second, but before he could make sure, the boy looked away. Dan's mind must have been playing tricks on him.

"Come on. Let's go," Phil muttered, giving Dan's hand a gentle tug and steering them both toward the school.

They walked in silence through the front door and the halls until they reached the door of the classroom where Dan had his first class. Phil told him he would be waiting for him after the bell. Dan raised an eyebrow.

"I thought PJ and Chris _'escorted'_ me after the first period," he said jokingly, but curious as to where the change had come from.

"They have to finish that one project. They'll be. . . rather busy," Phil explained, not quite looking at him.

Dan pursed his eyebrows and scrunched his nose.

"Haven't they been doing just that a couple days ago?"

"Uhh, maybe they- maybe. . ." Phil paused, "I don't know, maybe didn't get to do it all?" he guessed and gave Dan a tight-lipped smile.

Something obviosuly stunk there and it weren't the school halls or the not-so-tasty school food.

*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***

"So, how did your mum react?" Phil asked as they walked down the hall later that day.

It was lunch time and they were heading toward their empty classroom. Chris and PJ have been in the one class Dan shared with them, but when the bell rang, the two literally vanished into thin air. Dan shot Phil a confused glance as the boy greeted him in the hall. The boy brushed him off, pretending not to see.

"Was she really mad? Are you in trouble because of it?" Phil further enquired.

"Ehh, it wasn't that bad," he said, rubbing the nape of his neck and cringing at the memory.

His mum compelled both him and his dad to have a - how she loved to put it - a  _'family meeting'_ . She thought it to be her mission to explain to Dan that being with someone carries responsibilities. His father was as uncomfortable and awkward about the whole ordeal as much as Dan himself, if not more. From the two of his parents only his mother was able to give a thirty minutes long lecture about babies and reproduction. Which - as Dan's father pointed out quietly - needn't to be their concern as Phil and he were both male.  _'I don't think it works like that, honey,'_ he coughed up and a blush crept on his mother's cheeks. At last she wanted Dan to promise they use protection. He barely managed to choke out the reply.

"Oh my God, it was  _that_ bad?" Phil asked, cutting through his thoughts and Dan shot the boy a horrified look, wondering if he had said something out loud. Phil laughed, "I'm sorry, it's just pretty easy to deduce from your face."

Dan huffed, slipping his hand out of Phil's and turning away. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked away, avoiding his  _'boyfriend'_ .

"Aww, Dan, don't be like that!" Phil laughed, nudging him with his shoulder and Dan's bag slid off his. Dan caught it but denied to even do as much as glance at Phil. "Are you gonna be all upset now? It wasn't my fault we got caught."

"Neither mine," he mumbled and Phil chuckled.

A few seconds passed in silence and Dan thought Phil might have just left him, but then he felt a pair of strong arms wrap around his shoulders. A surprised, choky  _'Oh'_ left his mouth and Dan felt as his stone will slowly shattered under the influence that was Phil's hug.

Dan puffed out his lips - the last attempt to stay angry at Phil - and tried to shake the boy off himself. Well, least to say that it was as if he tried to do harm to a tiger that had dug its claws into his back.

"Phil!" he protested.

The boy chuckled and buried his face into the crook of Dan's neck, his laugh reverberating through Dan's body. It tickled as Phil breathed in and out but the boy soon leaned away.

"Are you gonna be angry at me for the whole day?" Phil muttered, his lips now dangerously close to Dan's neck.

Dan gulped but firmly - or as firmly as he could in that moment - said, "Y-yes."

Did Dan regret his answer? He wasn't sure. Was he surprised? Like never. Did he love it when Phil started pestering his neck with little kisses? Oh God, yes!

It was hot as fuck, he must agree, but they were in a freaking school, for fuck's sake.

"Ph- Phil," he breathed out as Phil continued to suck at his skin. Dan swallowed as he whispered, "Phil, we're in school. Phil, please. . ."

"Are you afraid of being caught?" Phil whispered back to him, his voice so husky, so deep that Dan would need to be straight not to find it hot.

"Maybe I don't want us to-" he only managed to say before his neck was being attacked again. He took in a sharp breath, fighting hard with himself not to arch his neck.

"We- we can't- school- Phil-" he stammered, trying to form one coherent explanation and Phil hummed, as though agreeing with everything he said. Dan doubted the boy even listened. Hell, he himself didn't know what he was rambling about in the next few seconds.

At last, he turned in the boy's arms and faced Phil. It physically hurt to do that, to get away from his godamn mouth, but Dan didn't want them to end up in the headteacher's office. If his parents found out, Dan's mother would provide him with a complete class on how human bodies function and he wasn't ready for that.

"Fuck, Phil" he breathed out, collecting his thoughts and trying to regain his composure. Phil seemed unsatisfied with the course of the events. His face read  _'why did you do that'_ and he looked like a hurt puppy.

"School," Dan choked out. "School, Phil. We're in school," he repeated, staring at the boy's lips.

"Yeah," Phil murmured back and God, what was up with them acting like this? Dan gazed into his blue eyes and - he knew he wasn't seeing things - but it didn't make sense at all. What he saw couldn't be true. He knew it wasn't.

Dan pulled away from Phil, as though his touch burned.

"We should go," Dan said harshly. It didn't sound as a suggestion, more like an order. He avoided Phil's eyes as he turned on his heel and walked, adjusting the bag on his shoulder, not waiting for Phil, feeling himself to slip farther into his own trap.

Maybe he was seeing things, after all. No way Phil would have ever-

Just- No way.

*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***

_'Shit'_ and  _'Oh God'_ welcomed Dan as he opened the door to the empty classroom.

Dan, though, couldn't stutter a word as he stared at the scene before him.

Phil caught up to him, and he froze in the doorway, as well.

PJ stared at them, eyes wide in horror, as he lay on his back on one of the desks with Chris literally straddling him. The other boy broke first from his daze and got up, careful as not to hurt PJ.

"I think we can all agree to never talk about this," Chris broke the silence, pulling PJ up from the desk and hurriedly tugging his blue t-shirt back on.

Dan stared at the floor, flushed to the roots of his hair. In that moment he was sorry for his mother who must have went through the same shock as them now.

Phil gathered his wits much quicker than Dan. The boy whistled.

"Can't wait till the classes end?" he said knowingly, wiggling his eyebrows and Chris grinned. "Dan, I guess it's about time you know that-"

"-They're together," he finished for Phil and earned a confused look from the boy.

"Wait," PJ broke in. He blinked twice, eyes flickering from Dan to Phil, "You guys are talking?"

Phil snorted. He turned slightly toward Dan and winked at him.

"More or less," he said and Dan had to look away to hide his blush.

_This bastard._

"Dude, PJ thought you have broken up," Chris retorted and PJ quietly mumbled,  _'It looked like it.'_

"Not yet," Dan replied, smiling a little as Phil stared at him with an amused expression on his face, mouthing  _'Not yet?'_ back to him.

They sure as hell were bound to break up. Either one day Phil hates his guts and calls him out on that and they have a big fight or their deal simply runs out and Rob and the others stop being a threat to Dan.

Whatever it was going to be, Dan knew it would happen. Sooner or later - it had to. They couldn't go on pretending to be a couple forever when they had no feelings for each other - apart from Dan. Why would Phil even want to play  _them_ for longer than possible?

*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***

It was pouring and his bus had just driven off. Without Dan in it.

_One minute,_ he said to himself, _If I were there one minute earlier. . ._

He didn't finish his thought - there was no point in it. More frustration and irritation would come, nothing that could change his current situation. And there he was, walking in the rain, with only a light jacket on his shoulders. It did shit job at protecting from the rain - he could tell it already soaked through.

Dan buried his hands deeper in the shallow pockets. Angry and cold, he walked in the rain. He wondered if it was his bad luck and it'd stop raining as soon as he set a foot inside his home. He hoped not. He still had to walk for around twenty minutes more until he'd reach his neighbourhood. He'd be frozen to the marrow if it didn't stop raining by then.

A black car quickly drove past and Dan sighed as it went right into a big puddle and splashed him. It wasn't as if his clothes hadn't been wet before, but thanks to the dickhead they clung to his skin now.

With a bad mood and literal black clouds over his head - the whole sky was grey and dark, what the heck - Dan trod forward. When he heard the approaching engine of another car, he swore under his breath, ready to bet all his pocket money that the driver would have the same driving culture as the owner of the black toyota - or lack of thereof.

Even though he was walking down the pavement, Dan stepped farther away from the road. He didn't want a second shower.

The car slowed down and Dan felt uneasy at the observation. He couldn't turn to check - the rain would lash at his eyes right away - and the blue machine was soon passing him by. Much slower than the dickhead, Dan noticed.

When it pulled over, Dan tried to convince himself that the person lived somewhere nearby, but. . . would they pull over a pavement? It couldn't be legitimate for a longer amount of time.

As he walked closer, though, he recognised the car and felt quite stupid for not realising faster who the owner was.

The window from the driver's side rolled down and Phil - yes, Phil, pff, Dan expected no one else - and Phil looked up at him.

"I can give you a ride, if you want," he offered, the blue eyes scanning his soaked miserable frame with a raised eyebrow. "Hop in," he said and Dan just nodded, grateful.

He sat in the passenger's seat, dripping wet. His hair was extremely curly after being exposed to the water and his sweater clung to him in an uncomfortable way. He curled in on himself, feeling cold.

"Th- thanks," Dan spluttered as he fastened his seatbelt.

Phil nodded and pulled out onto the street.

There were only the two of them, alone. Wasn't now the perfect time to talk with Phil?

Dan felt the boy's gaze travel to him once in a while. Dan must be a sorry sight, for sure.

"The AC isn't fixed yet, but you can borrow my jacket," the boy spoke after a minute of silence and observing Dan from the corner of his eye. "It's in the back," he suggested, nodding toward the back of the car.

Dan mumbled another  _'thank you'_ and reached for the leather jacket that lay on the back seats, next to the boy's black backpack. Dan could smell Phil's cologne as he put it on. He swallowed back the thick lump that sat in his throat and put his seatbelt back on. Only then he noticed that little shudders run through his body and he rubbed his hands together, trying to warm up.

"Thank you for the rescue," he said softly, gazing at the road ahead, but glancing at Phil.

He already felt warmer - the jacket was doing its magic.

"You're welcome," Phil replied. His eyes were fixed on the world outside the windshield, as he asked, "So how did you end up outside during such a storm?"

Dan blew out a breath and glanced down at his knees.

"I was late for my bus," he mumbled.

Phil chuckled, "You could call me, you know?"

"I don't use my phone. It's. . . kind of useless," Dan stammered. Phil's smile died on his lips and Dan decided he should change the subject. "Plus, I've just lost your phone number because one dick splashed water on me," he added, pulling out a small paper from his pocket and raising it to Phil's line of vision.

It was wet and the ink was mixed so the letters were impossible to read. Dan grinned and the boy smiled back.

Phil pulled over, stopped the engine and Dan looked out the window. He didn't notice that they drove into his neighbourhood, not to mention that for a moment he forgot that their destination was his home.

"Thanks, once again," Dan said, turning to Phil. "I'd freeze to death out there," he joked but was met with silence. Phil regarded him so carefully that Dan felt hot in the face.

"I have mud on my face," Dan tried to guess from the look on Phil's face. "Please, tell me I'm wrong," he pleaded Phil who casted his gaze down.

"Dan-"

"God, I have something worse?!" he asked, his voice reaching higher tone.

He didn't know why he was doing this. He didn't want Phil to say anything, he didn't want to know the truth. For all he knew it could be worse than being in a fake relationship.

Phil sighed and Dan decided he should indeed shut up. The boy looked up and his and Dan's gazes connected.

"Dan, I. . ." he drifted off, his lips slightly parted as he struggled with words. "I want you to know that you're my friend and if there's anything, anything at all that bothers you- like, anywhen, anytime," he spoke softly, his eyes completely focused on Dan's, "if you ever want to talk, you know I'll listen, right?"

Dan's throat clenched, but he whispered, "You're my friend, too."

He bit on his bottom lip as he watched his hands.

_But I can't go on like this. I don't know what you're feeling and why do we kiss like we both mean it and my heart breaks with every next time. Because I can see something holds you up and I don't even know if you like guys. I don't know if you like me. And it hurts to watch this glint in your eye and it hurts to know it's all a lie._

"I should go," Dan said quietly and started to take off Phil's jacket. He awkwardly got one arm out in the tiny interior of the car when a hand touched his.

Dan turned, wide-eyed, toward Phil. The boy flashed him a small smile.

"Keep it, it's cold outside."

"My house is literally three steps away-"

"And?" asked Phil with a raised eyebrow. He grinned when Dan stammered with no idea what to say. "Seriously, Dan, you can keep it. One day I'll be the one who gets caught up in a storm."

Dan nodded, wondering if Phil meant something else, and put his arm back into the sleeve of the leather jacket.

"I'll bring you it to school, then," he offered and glanced at Phil.

"Nah, it's fine, I have other clothes to wear, too."

Dan watched him for a moment.

"Are you sure?"

Phil nodded, rolling his eyes, "It's not a car, you know. Just a jacket."

Dan didn't think so. It was more, so much more valuable than any car on the world.

"See you tomorrow, right?" he ensured and smiled as Phil agreed.

Before Dan could think if he wasn't going to make a horrendous decision, he just did it. As Dan opened the car door he lent in, kissed Phil on the cheek and, sending him a shy smile, got out of the car.

Dan could see the boy grinning as he started the engine. He himself felt warm - and it wasn't only because of the jacket he wore - Dan felt warm inside as he whispered the word  _friend_ , testing how it sounded. It rolled easily off his tongue and meant so much to Dan. Dan knew how precious it was to know that he was Phil's friend - as he thought about it, Phil was his, too. A ray of hope rose in his heart because if there was a room for being friends, there had to be for something else, something more, as well.

_Maybe all is not lost yet._

Getting soaked has never made him smile so big in the end.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed; let me know in a comment if you did and what part was your favourite (or the least fav lol). I need your support because it's what I live for lmao  
> In all seriousness, thanks to your support I know that there isn't only me typing away on my keyboard and it's better to have that knowledge. Writing is easier and funnier that way :3  
> Is anyone looking forward to the party chapter? :D
> 
> Knock on my tumblr and say hi: superasia8


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally had a schedule but I had such a bad week I could create only angst so I decided I better wait it out. Enjoy this one, I had so much fun writing it, it should be illegal :D

Dan woke up on a Friday morning with renewed energy. When he glanced around his room and saw that the leather jacket still rested on his chair, he smiled big and got up instantly. He's never dressed to school as quickly as then. Even his mother glanced at him questioningly after he almost bounced down the stairs.

Thankfully, his classes didn't drag - Dan may have spent the most part of them doodling and daydreaming about a certain pair of blue eyes - so thankfully, they didn't drag.

They - Phil and he only, PJ and Chris were off again (no school projects for sure) - they were sitting in the classroom they called theirs. It was no longer empty. Not to them. It was lunch time and they talked, as they always did.

"I don't believe you!"

"Do believe me, I'm _dead_ serious," Dan swore and Phil laughed, setting his sandwich away.

"And what happened next? Did you go to the hospital?"

Dan glared at Phil.

"Of course I did! I had to. It was the worst experience of my entire life, though. Everyone was looking at me funny when we were waiting for our turn. I literally couldn't breathe so I must have looked like a dying tomato."

"I'm sorry I'm laughing," Phil apologised but didn't sound like he meant it at all. He wiped his eyes - he had been crying from laughter at one point. True friend. "It's just kinda funny it happened on your birthdays."

Dan shrugged in response. "Ironic, I'd say."

"But seriously? Such a big alergic reaction because of an ice-cream?"

"Tell me about it. I felt like shit for a week even after they gave me the medication."

Phil's eyes widened at that. He looked at his sandwich like it was a monster.

"God, I could accidentally murder you one day and I wouldn't even know it was me," he said with a scrunched nose and horror painted on his face.

Dan laughed. "You wouldn't. I mean- You wouldn't, right?"

The boy beside him burst out in laughter and nudged Dan's knee with his lightly.

"I don't know if I want to test this theory out. I'm not _that_ good at CPR," Phil admitted, a smile on his face, "so I wouldn't try to, probably."

"I'm sure you'd barge in and save the day, if you had to," Dan replied, certain, and bit into his sandwich.

"What makes you so sure about that?" Phil retorted, chuckling when Dan rolled his brown eyes and quickly swallowed the bit.

"Hmm, I don't know. Maybe because you're my boyfriend?"

Phil grinned, "Yeah, I am."

Dan blushed a little, his mind and heart both screaming at each other, trying to figure out why three words had such a big power.

"And a friend," Phil added. "And after considering all the pros and cons, maybe I'd help you in the end."

"In the end?" Dan echoed, staring at Phil with a raised eyebrow. "I would so break up with you, if you didn't save me," he joked and Phil muttered, _'You wouldn't,'_ which granted the boy a playful shove.

Dan was halfway done with his lunch when the question fell.

"Why did you change schools?"

He chewed longer than it was necessary, buying himself time. Sighing, he put away his sandwich. He didn't feel like eating anymore.

"The same reason as everyone, I guess," he muttered and looked at Phil. The boy watched him closely, forehead wrinkled. "Fresh start," he said, like it explained everything. "You know how it goes. New school, new friends, new. . . enemies," he mumbled the last part, casting his gaze down, away from Phil's observant blues.

"But it didn't- it wasn't the same as now?"

Dan looked up at Phil, forcing a smile.

"I didn't score the slut reputation there, if that's what you're asking about."

"I'm not-"

"I know." Dan smiled again, but it must be not as convincing as he thought because Phil just glared at him stubbornly.

Dan sighed, let the smile fall off his face as he stared out the smudgy windows.

Some students took seats outside on benches and some sat on the green grass. Every unnecessary part of clothing had been used instead of a blanket. The majority of the Mayhell was probably counting the time left until the end of classes and beginning of the weekend. The majority probably discussing about the latest school news. About the party Phil and he were heading to.

He didn't know if he wanted Phil to know. Dan couldn't pretend then and live as if nothing has happened. And some days that pretend was all that helped him to get through the day, through his classes. Phil knew and it wouldn't be a secret anymore, he wouldn't be able to shove the memories under a big rug and ignore them.

It felt raw, it still felt too raw to think about Bradfield.

"Dan?" Phil said softly and something warm squeezed Dan's hand.

Phil.

"I-" He hadn't realised there were tears on his face. "Stupid. . ." he mumbled, wiping them with the sleeve of his blue sweater.

Phil didn't comment on it, he didn't say anything. He simply was there, beside Dan, his hand a comfort so big that it bordered on normal and magical.

"Oh God," Dan groaned, looking up and blinking, praying he could talk about it without feeling like he was about to cry at any second. "This is so stupid."

"It's not."

"It is," he insisted, turning his head toward Phil's for a split second. He hung his head down, biting on his bottom lip.

_I want you to know that you're my friend and if there's anything, anything at all that bothers you- like, anywhen, anytime, if you ever want to talk, you know I'll listen, right?_

"You don't have to tell me," Phil said softly, giving his hand a little squeeze.

Phil was his friend. But Rob had also been his friend and how did their friendship end? They've turned into something that was hard to explain. Phil, though. . . Phil was different. And Phil was his friend and has agreed to help him and has stuck by him even though Dan had so many enemies and Phil has yet stayed and came up with the idea how to protect him.

"It's nothing that interesting. Normal school drama," Dan muttered.

"It must have been hard if you had to change schools."

"It- I thought it wasn't that bad," he said, thinking about when did it really go to hell. "It started innocently. I had- I really like pastel colours, as you must know by now, but people didn't like my change," he drifted off. "They would-" Dan looked down and blew out a breath, "They would make their opinion clear to me. Some students only stared at me and my clothes wherever I walked because _'why a boy would wear pastel colours'_ and some were more. . . verbal about it. It wasn't that bad but. . ."

"But what, Dan?"

Dan fixed his eyes with Phil's.

"It changed. Quickly. They started bullying me. At first, just joked about how pretty of a girl I was and then it wasn't enough." He took a shuddering breath. "My parents noticed one day. . ." he drifted off and studied his hands.

They would need to be blind not to see and realise what was happening. He came back home with bruises almost evey day - arms and legs purple and clothes torn.

"We moved. It was fine. For a year. And then everything went to hell again," he said, sighing.

At least he's changed schools, right? And from one nightmare jumped right into another.

"It won't happen again," Phil said softly and Dan realised he must have said his thoughts out loud.

The boy's blue eyes seemed so sad, his lips turned downward, the always present smile absent for the moment.

"I promise," he whispered and Dan felt as if he were falling down as he gazed into Phil's eyes, as if he were plummeting into an abyss so deep he wouldn't be able to get out.

He wanted to tell Phil he shouldn't make promises he couldn't keep.

But it was all a pretend. So they could pretend that nothing would happen again, as well.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

"We're hanging out before the party. Would you like to come, too?"

Dan was sure he must have looked as surprised as he felt.

"Ugh, I- yeah, I mean, I don't have anything to do," he replied, staring at Phil as they walked with the flow of the students toward the entrance.

"Great," Phil said, grinned and squeezed Dan's hand.

Dan swallowed heavily as they approached the blue mazda and Phil opened the passenger door for him. He fastened his seat belt and his fingers curled a little around the strap of his bag. Phil walked around the car and sat in the driver's seat. He smiled at Dan and started the engine.

They drove to Dan's house first.

"I don't promise I'll be quick," he warned as Phil stared at him with a raised eyebrow. "Maybe it'll be better if you go home, I could come to yours as soon as I get ready."

"It's okay, I'll wait," Phil said, corners of his lips turned in a small smile.

"You sure?" Dan asked. He doubted Phil wouldn't get impatient. Dan was extremely picky dressing up for school. Deciding what to wear for a party could be only worse.

Phil rolled his eyes as he settled in his seat and turned up the music. The Fall Out Boy blared through the car and Dan shook his head but smiled.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

He tugged at his brown curls, huffing as he sent daggers at his wardrobe.

Pastel clothes were scattered all around the room - on his bed, on the floor - everywhere. Dan was sure he had gone through every single item of clothing he had. Still, in that moment he felt like he owned only one piece of jeans and a sweater, both which didn't fit his partying mood.

At this rate Dan was going nowhere.

He sighed and looked through his wardrobe again. He skimmed through the pastel colours but nothing caught his eye.

God, why dressing up was so hard when he had to actually go out somewhere?

Dan sat in his chair, staring at the picture of him, Ellie and Rob which still hung on the wall beside his desk. He munched on his bottom lip. Rob was definitely who had set up the posters around Mayfield. Only three people had that picture, including Dan.

He couldn't stop thinking about what happened week earlier. It hurt to think that his former friend had done that. They used to get on really well. He, Rob and Ellie. They used to be a team and now it was all gone. Though the change was for the better, Dan had a hole in his heart that throbbed from time to time.

Scary how quickly everything has changed and from having good friends, he had two enemies. Ellie, who must be hating him, and Rob, who wanted Dan to be his human shield.

Dan sighed and closed his eyes, leaning against the chair but something poked him in the back. He turned and almost laughed when under layers of his t-shirts and sweaters, a black leather jacket stared back at him, its various clasps likely being the reason of what hurt his back.

He reached for the jacket. Not thinking much, he stood up and, walking to the mirror, put it on. Dan smiled at his reflection. He loved the leather jacket since he saw it, but he liked the owner even more.

"You look cute."

Dan jumped and spun around toward the window and toward Phil who was- who was suspened in air, it seemed?

He watched as Phil pulled himself up the windowsill and set his right foot on the floor, then the other. The boy raised his hands and released a small,

"Tada!" as he stood inside Dan's room, no longer hanging outside his window.

Dan blushed as the realisation struck him that he was wearing Phil's jacket. And Phil said he looked _cute_. He, Dan Howell, looked cute in Phil's effing Lester opinion.

"How did you even get here?" he asked, trying to sound casual about the whole thing. Such comment was nice, at most, but it was a friendly comment. Friends do say things like that. Sometimes.

"Your neigbhour lent me a ladder."

"What?!"

"He left it outside," Phil explained, shrugging, "it was like an invitation."

"You _stole_ a freaking _ladder_ to get here?"

"I got bored of waiting, you can't blame me," he said as he glanced around the room. His eyes rested on Dan and the same sly smile appeared on his face. "I see you're liking my jacket." The boy nodded in his direction and sat down on the bed, watching Dan.

"I was just checking if it wasn't dirty," Dan mumbled and Phil chuckled.

"It fits you well," he only said.

It wasn't even a _'You look sexy/great/so good I don't want you to ever take it off'_ but Dan turned into a blushing mess.

"Thanks."

"You should wear it for the party."

Dan snorted. "You're kidding, right?"

Phil picked up one of Dan's shirt, "Actually I think I may have an idea."

He stood up and took off his black t-shirt. Just like that.

"Woah, woah, what are you doing?" Dan asked, voice squeaky as he stared at Phil's naked chest.

Technicially, Phil wasn't naked, but oh God, his fucking chest was.

Phil froze, "Do you mind?"

"Not at all," he choked out quietly, flushing at his own words.

The boy blinked twice, slowly, and Dan regretted having said that at all.

But, hey, Dan was gay, Phil should have known that as well as the whole school. And he had a crush on Phil, for fuck's sake, which made everything more complicated.

"I mean, you're not going to strip naked, right?"

"Not if you don't pay me," Phil retorted jokingly, a blush on his cheeks as he put on the t-shirt he found on Dan's bed.

Dan made Phil blush. His life goals were complete.

"Umm, I think I have something even better for you," Dan commented as he stared at Phil in front of him and the pastel green t-shirt he wore.

Dan didn't get why Phil just dressed into his t-shirt, but he didn't mind to have to get through the process once again.

"Really?" Phil asked with a creased brow.

"Really," he echoed as he walked up to his wardrobe.

Dan's hands skimmed over the clothes on the hangers and he hummed, looking for a perfect t-shirt for Phil. His lips turned into a smile when he found the t-shirt and trousers that would make Phil's new look perfect. He turned around to Phil with a big grin on his face.

Phil stripping down off Dan's t-shirt again was an extra benefit, surely not the main reason.

"I hope you're okay with wearing my trousers?" he asked nonchalantly as he came back with the outfit and gave the clothes to Phil.

"Sure thing," Phil replied.

His eyes narrowed though as he eyed the things and Dan grinned.

"You have to put them on, first," he offered and received a roll eye.

The boy muttered something as he put the two parts of clothing on Dan's bed. Dan bit on his lip as Phil took off the first t-shirt and pulled on the new one. He'd give anything to be able not to only observe but rather be the one who throws it off of Phil. Unfortunately, one can't have his cake and eat it, too.

"Umm, Dan?" Phil asked, voice a little strained. "Could you, um, turn around?"

Dan's eyes went wide and he blushed, looking down.

"Yeah, course," he stammered and turned his back on Phil. He had to bite the inside of his cheek not to think about Phil without his skinny jeans on. The boy must look so much better without the unnecessary piece of clothing.

Phil coughed once and said, "You can look."

Dan turned towards Phil and smiled so big that his lips hurt.

"You look great."

Walking up closer to Phil, he caught a blush on the boy's cheeks.

Dan surveyed and appreciated how well the t-shirt looked on Phil. It was white, with a print of petals on it - some lighter, some darker shade of blue - but all stayed true to the pastel style Dan loved to represent. The trousers were navy blue, much darker than the tone of the flowers. Phil's black boots added a rebellious touch to his look.

"Amazing," Dan muttered. "Wait! I have something even better," he exclaimed and ran to his desk, grabbed one item and came back to the boy.

"Do I have to change again for it?" Phil retorted with a smirk and Dan blushed hard.

God help him, Phil knew Dan checked him out.

"Close your eyes," he said, hands behind his back. Phil raised an eyebrow in question. Dan rolled his eyes but smiled. "Just do it," he encouraged.

The boy closed his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. He muttered _'I hope you don't go all fifty shades of grey on me'_ and Dan laughed as he pulled out the flower crown he hid from Phil's eyes and put it on the boy's head. Tried to put it.

"Lean down, I can't reach," he whined and Phil chuckled but obeyed.

Dan grinned as he fixed the flower crown and pinned it with a few bobby pins to the black and blue hair. The final effect was unbelievable.

"Okay, done," he said with pride and Phil opened his eyes, his gaze instantly making its way towards his head as if he could see the flower crown.

Dan laughed as Phil raised his hands to feel what has happened to his fringe.

"You'll ruin it," he pointed out.

The boy walked up to Dan's mirror instead and his mouth literally fell open.

"Oh my God," was Phil's reaction and Dan shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

Phil stepped closer, turning his head to left and right, examining the flower crown on his head. Dan casted his eyes to the ground, blushing.

"You don't have to wear it," he mumbled.

"I love it," Phil confessed, doing a spin and turning around to Dan, smiling from ear to ear. Dan grinned.

He couldn't pretend that Phil looked bad in his clothes - he looked amazing. Punk style was one of the characteristics about him, but pastel aesthetic. . . he pulled it so well that Dan felt jelaous.

"You look better than me in my own clothes," spilled from his mouth before he could set a restraint over his mouth.

Phil raised an eyebrow.

"Doubt it, I'd never take away your crown of cute-sy."

Dan blushed but protested, "That's not even a word!"

"It is now. We've gotta go, you still need to get dressed," Phil pointed out and Dan looked at his open wardrobe with a groan.

Phil chuckled, "You know that _I'm_ dressing you up, right? In _my_ clothes?"

Dan couldn't say no to that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for saying this one was going to be a party chapter. I wanted to focus on the choice of clothing a little bit more and the chapter would be too long if I added the party part (what the heck English)  
> Hope you enjoyed, tell me if you did! I promise in the next one boyz go partying - even if I have to write a super long chapter :p  
> Comment, subscribe and kudo! That's a virtual cookie which helps me get through weeks like the last one :)
> 
> Knock on my tumblr and say hi: superasia8


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet you didn't expect a chapter today? *winky wink*  
> As promised, this one's a party chapter, fresh and out for you *bows and disappears behind the curtain*

The party hasn't even started but he knew this Friday would be one of the best he's ever had.

Phil snuck back out the window with Dan staring at his ass as he did so. Well, he couldn't not use the chance he was given, right?

He himself went out the front door.

"I don't reckon I've seen that jacket yet," his mum said with a knowing smile.

Dan coughed, "Probably not. I'm going out," he informed shortly and left the house, escaping her lecture about babies.

He fastened his seat belt, feeling her curious gaze lurking from behind one of the curtains.

"I should have dressed it at your house," Dan wondered out loud. Phil chuckled and started the engine.

They passed a playful banter throughout the ride, with Phil checking his hair in the driving mirror from time to time until Dan said, _'You really look good'_. The boy flushed and stopped doing fringe checks after that. Dan turned his head to the window, unable to contain his grin.

The boy parked the blue mazda on the drive and they walked down a small stone-y path that led to the door. Phil's house looked similar to Dan's and to the rest of the buildings in the neighbourhood - two floors but not too big and not too small - perfect for a family which members like to spend time together but also have space for themselves. Dan knew this technique was one of the reasons why his parents and he still haven't slaughtered each other.

Phil opened the door. They crossed a small hall and then walked up the stairs. Their hands didn't break away, as if they were glued together.

The boy only slipped his fingers out of Dan's to open the door, but even then he came back and dragged Dan inside, their hands intertwined.

"Okay, we've gotta hurry. Chris and PJ may be here any second," he said as Dan stopped in his tracks, standing in the doorframe with his mouth open.

"Dan, come on- oh, yeah," the boy coughed and didn't bother to drag him any further. "This is my room, I guess."

"It's awesome," Dan blurted out as his eyes ran over a huge DVD collection, an old vintage CD player, an electric guitar that stood on a guitar rack in the corner - a freaking _electric_ guitar, how awesome and hot was that - and the bed, Phil's bed.

It took up most of the room. Its checkered bedspread looked surprisingly similar to his own. The only difference about it was that Phil's was colourful.

Dan walked up to a shelf with DVD's among Stepehen King's books, various console games and a baffling number of. . . cacti.

"Wow, you're a nerd," he mumbled and blushed.

Nerd was Dan, too.

In moments like this, he wondered why they were faking a relationship when they could have a real one so easily.

Dan meant to make a joke about that but when he turned to the boy, his words caught in his throat.

Phil must have been sorting through clothes in his wardrobe when one shirt fell off the hanger and the boy bent down to pick it up. Yep, with his nice ass in the air. Wasn't it Christmas for Dan.

He turned around when Phil did. Even though he could feel his burning cheeks, he tried to appear as though he was interested in the cacti display all the time.

"Do _you_ mind wearing my jeans?" Phil asked and Dan pried the boy did not notice Dan noticed his butt.

He snorted from the shelf.

"No problem."

It was a challenge his pride wouldn't let him to not take up.

Before Phil got back to his search though, he smirked at Dan's response.

Dan shook off any worries and lay down on Phil's bed. He blinked as he stared at the ceiling. How Dan did not see earlier that it was covered in posters, he had no idea. What he knew though, was how cool it looked. Dan's eyes skimmed over the various posters of bands and shows, realising that they had more in common than it should be possible.

Something gripped his ankle and Dan landed on the floor in the next second.

"Hey!" he protested.

Phil laughed and reached out a hand to pull him up. Dan reluctantly took it.

"Sorry. Actually, I'm not sorry."

Dan rolled his eyes at that.

Typical.

"I found something for you and I thought I better tell you before you fall asleep on my bed."

Dan shot the boy a murderous look and snatched the clothes.

"Thanks for caring about my sleeping patterns," he retorted as he set the clothes on a chair. His hands paused at the hem of his sweater.

It was weird to dress in front of someone - in front of Phil - and only now Dan has realised how much. If the boy survived it, he should live through it, as well, right?

His fingers paused for another milisecond before Dan threw the blue sweater on the floor and reached for the black t-shirt quickly, too damn aware of Phil eyeing him the whole time.

There was no option Phil didn't know Dan sneaked a glance or two. The boy's gaze literally burnt wherever it dragged across his body. Dan himself would never admit he stared whenever the other didn't look, too.

Being observed definitely didn't make Dan's cheeks feel hot.

A small sigh left his mouth when he pulled the black top over his head. He knew he was watched. And he knew why - Phil wanted to give him a dose of his own medicine.

He turned to Phil with a raised eyebrow.

"Is this. . . leather?" Dan choked out, holding a pair of black pants.

The boy grinned darkly and nodded slightly. His eyes glinted.

Dan opened and closed his mouth.

"You know what? I'm not going to comment on that," he said at last.

He sat in the chair by Phil's desk - no way he would fit in those tight pants while standing - and pointed out,

"You know you're staring?"

Phil adorable Lester flushed like a fifth grade kid.

The boy sat up from his bed and walked over to his CD player. Dan blinked as he realised it was Phil's way of _'turning around'._

He repeated his YOLO motto once again as he tried to pull on the leather pants - he pulled and tugged - but halfway through, it struck him as impossible to do so. He couldn't imagine how _anyone_ , Phil especially, was supposed to fit in them.

And then, this bastard said,

"Wait, did I really give you that pair of pants?"

Face red from trying to pull on the pants, Dan glared at him.

A devilish smirk rose across Phil's face as he walked up to Dan with a new pair of pants.

"Sorry, I didn't notice I gave you the one that shrunk in the washer."

_Didn't notice!_

Dan snatched the part of clothing, setting his lips into a thin line as Phil grinned at him.

He didn't want to think about how he must have looked like while trying to fit into a shrunk pair of leather pants - it was probably anything but appealing.

"You know I hate you?" he wanted to let Phil know after having put on the right, _not shrunk_ black pants.

Phil didn't bat an eyelid, turning a deaf ear. He surveyed Dan intently. Slowly, his lips turned upward, the smile changing his face into a more glorious sight than usual. He took Dan's hand and led him toward a mirror.

Dan snorted as he read the words backward.

"Really, Phil?"

The boy smiled sheepishly, clearly proud of himself. The black tank top with 'IN MEMORY OF WHEN I CARED' written in white letters on the front was the last thing Dan could ever think of to wear. But he had to admit it - Phil's choice of outfit was ridiculously cute. It had to be because Phil was generally an adorable creature. Most of the time he brought Dan thoughts of a Shiba Inu he had always wanted to have.

"The jacket," Phil reminded, passing the black leather to him.

Dan pulled it on and smiled to his reflection. The clothes smelt so much like Phil. It was incredible to be surrounded with his scent.

Phil ruffled his hair playfully.

"You look good, but I think you need a few last touches."

"Like what?"

"Like your hair," he stated simply. He whined when Dan leant away. "Come on, Dan. I let you manipulate mine," he stood his ground. "Now it's your turn."

"Just," Dan said although he was still unconvinced about giving Phil the control of his hair, "don't make me go bald."

Phil chuckled, "You bet."

They pushed the chair closer to the mirror and Dan sat on it, facing the bed. He didn't know what Phil wanted to do but the bowl of water and a purple package that Phil brought made him feel uneasy. The boy had to assure him that nothing invasive would be done to his _'cute curly hair'_ as he _'didn't have the heart to do that'_.

With a blush on both cheeks, Dan gave up asking more questions.

Phil put on a towel around his neck.

"Safety reasons," he explained.

Then he applied some purple substance to Dan's strands with a brush.

Phil's face was adorable during the whole process. He stuck out his tongue, focused on the task and Dan stared. Dan stared at the hands that were so close to his face and the lips that puckered when the boy pouted - but he couldn't care less about it.

Dan was always scared when anyone other than him tried to style his hair. In that moment though, he wasn't freaking out about his fringe being changed as much as he was dying inside because Phil was the one doing it.

His heart beat quicker whenever Phil blew a breath on his hair or the boy's fingertips occasionally brushed across his neck. Dan had no chill for these little touches.

It was a bittersweet torture for the most important muscle in his body. Dan wanted it to never end but then he knew it was impossible.

A nearly noticeable whiff told him Phil pulled away and Dan opened his eyes to come face to face with Phil. He didn't notice when he had closed them.

"Don't look. It's not done yet," the boy warned him as he ran out of the room.

Dan's hands automatically patted his wet hair for some clues but he didn't turn around to the mirror.

Phil came back with a hair-dryer and after some blow-drying and a few too many close calls where Phil almost burned Dan's eye with the hair-dryer, his hair was finally done.

"Can I see it now?" he asked, both terrified and excited about the final effect.

Phil nodded and turned him around in the chair.

For a couple of seconds Dan stared unblinkingly at his own reflection. He sat up and walked to the mirror. Whatever he imagined in his mind, it wasn't that. His ends were pink now.

"I used a purple chalk but the colour isn't quite right," the boy explained from behind him.

Dan realised his mouth hung open and he shut it, joking,

"Now I look like your evil twin. It's really awesome, though," he added.

Phil sent him a toothy grin.

"You're wearing my clothes, after all. You're bound to look amazing."

Dan only rolled his eyes but blushed a little, his ego pleasantly stroked.

"When are Chris and PJ coming?" he inquired, examining his new look and messing up his hair a little for more natural effect.

Phil pulled out his phone. He skimmed over something on the screen and his forehead wrinkled.

"They are gonna meet us there," he summarised before Dan could ask, tapping away at his phone.

Dan raised an eyebrow.

"Again because. . ."

"Same reason as the last time."

Dan blew out a breath and laughed, "Well, they sure as hell aren't lazing. Were they always like this?"

"No, they used to be friends," Phil said and put his phone away.

Dan bit on his bottom lip and turned to the mirror. He didn't want to say anything stupid but he couldn't push away the thought that they were in a pretty complicated situation themselves. Friends but in a fake relationship. Kissing but only for the sake of their credibility.

"Do you want to play some Mario Kart? I can teach you," the boy offered suddenly and Dan was happy he didn't have to force a smile.

" _You_ want to teach _the master?"_ he retorted, pointing at himself.

"We'll see about that," Phil said with a glint in his eye.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

Phil was dead. And if he weren't yet, he would soon be.

Not only Dan was given the  _slightly broken_ console which made his kart to turn in the opposite direction - he shot Phil a deadly glare when he rode into the wall for the first time - but when Dan figured out the controles and soon was leading in the race, Phil pulled an awful trick on him - he started tickling him!

Dan  _lost_ and he was going to kill Phil. Or not just end his life, but torture him first.

"You were cheating!" Dan disagreed as they were on their way to the house where the party was held.

"Who said anything about rules anyway?" Phil retorted with a cheeky grin and Dan growled. "Anyway, the game said it.  _'Player two won'_ and that'd be me," he said, quoting the game. "So now I get to choose what your punishment is."

"A punishment?" Dan asked, shaking his head and smiling a little.

"Yep," Phil drifted off.

The night was quite chilly and Dan was glad for the jacket. He glanced worryingly at Phil - he declined to get back for another jacket - but he didn't shiver and seemed fine.

Phil stopped them both and turned to Dan with that sly smile.

"The one who lost has to kiss the other first."

Dan blinked. If he knew earlier, he wouldn't even try to win.

"How is that supposed to be a punishment?" he blurted out and Phil's eyes opened so widely that Dan panicked. "With being together and stuff," he added quickly. "We do it every day, you know," he mumbled and started their walk again, afraid to have a longer eye contact with the boy.

"We've got to convince them we're together," Phil pointed out, his voice oddly quiet. "We do it good, they don't suspect anything."

Dan nodded curtly, trying to kill the butterflies in his belly.

"Well, the Shippers will be in heaven when they see us dressed like this," he replied bitterly.

"I'm sure they will," Phil said, not catching up on the tone of his voice.

They heard music and people's chatter and Dan knew they were approaching the right house. All lights were on and there were a couple of cars parked down the street.

Phil whispered to him  _'Remember we have to make it as realistic as possible'_ as they walked up the front porch and the boy rang the bell.

Dan worried more about Phil understanding his feelings were real.

A short, red-haired girl opened the door for them. She gasped as her eyes scanned their swapped clothes.

"You look so cute together!" she squeaked as she led them inside and Phil smiled back at her, squeezing his hand discreetly. Dan blushed and looked down.

She pointed to an open kitchen.

"You can find drinks and snacks in there and the main party is in the living room. My friend's got control of the music." She whispered to them, winking knowingly, "Tell her you know me if you want to dance to something slower."

Dan swallowed nervously. Dancing? Great, they've forgotten to learn how to dance. Well, the audience will be sad. What should they tell everyone? Sorry guys, we can make out, no problem, but moving our limbs in the rhythm of the music might be catastrophic.

"Thanks, Katja. I'm sure we'll be fine" Phil broke in, smiling at the girl and placing a hand around Dan's waist in evidence.

Suddenly it was too hot in the room.

Katja - how did Phil even know her name, even Chris didn't - sent them one last big smile and then hurried to the door to welcome new guests.

"I think I need a drink," Dan admitted when the girl was out of an earshot. "Or two."

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

The party was going alright so far. Dan didn't drink too much, afraid the alcohol would remove the leash on his tongue. He didn't want to be mumbling around to everyone how much in love he were with Phil. For others it would be only another hard proof of their so alleged relationship. For Dan it could be the end of Phil's and his friendship. And he didn't want to lose that.

In the end, he could learn how to shove his feelings down and hide them but it would break him if he lost a friend.

"You're alright? You seem sad," Phil chatted him up as they sat on a couch and slowly sipped on their drinks. In the background he could hear Pharrell Williams'  _'Happy'_ playing.

"I'm just imagining how I'm gonna beat your ass next time we're playing Mario Kart," he lied.

Phil laughed, "And you're sad because you're going to lose again?"

"It's a face of a mastermind who's going to slay you," he protested in a low, villain-like voice which made Phil laugh harder. "And as for me, I played fair."

"Is this your way of asking me to kiss you?"

Dan gazed into his half full, half empty cup, blushing.

The music quietened. Several people groaned. He heard Katja's words of protest and another female voice. Their exchange was quite harsh.

Phil tensed and he felt something was clearly wrong. PJ and Chris emerged from upstairs, pushing through the crowd to them. Dan scanned people in the room. He still couldn't see whose appearance has raised a few eyebrows although the voices seemed to get closer.

"We're outta here. This second," Chris stated, taking their cups and setting them aside.

Dan stared at him, frozen to the spot for a moment, all thoughts about kissing the living life out of Phil forgotten.

"Wait, why? What's going on?" He turned to Phil for an answer but the boy hung his head low.

He was afraid Rob heard the news and has come to ruin the party. But then, the voice was girl's so it couldn't be Rob.

"Something that I told would happen," PJ explained but what explanation was that?

"Guys, let's go. Now," Chris rushed them again, sending worried glances at the opened door of the spacious living room.

"Wait. What the hell is going on? Can anybody finally tell me?" Dan demanded, sitting up and staring at Phil. The boy averted his gaze like a poison.

PJ opened his mouth but his words muffled when his eyes fixed on something behind Dan.

He looked around, as well, to see what this whole commotion was about.

"I can tell you," a girl standing in the hall said.

Other people moved away as she stepped into the room.

Dan wanted to laugh. Where they all so afraid of a Shipper? Or a girl?

"Phil?" he uncertainly asked, turning his head a little.

Phil looked up and Dan shot him a glance, hoping the boy would let him know why everyone was freaking out like they'd been caught stealing.

"I- it's-" he stammered.

"Oh, don't bother, Philly," the girl cut in. "I'll help you out with explanations. Since you didn't care to do that earlier."

Dan turned to the unfamiliar girl once more.

"And who are you?"

"Ah, he didn't tell you?" she asked, mocking him.

The girl smiled, baring her teeth as if standing in front of a vulnerable victim. Dan felt exactly like one.

She walked up to them.

"I'm his girlfriend," she explained, staring him in the eye.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a cliffhanger!  
> If you enjoyed, please let me know! Did you like the ending? I hope the answer's yes and that this chapter was a fulfilment of all your needs and desires (maybe without the ending lol it could have been a lil of a surprise)  
> Don't forget to subscribe because that lets you know when the new chapter's up! (I'm preparing something exciting for you guys) and kudo this story as kudos are smol lil cookies I always love to receive.
> 
> Knock on my tumblr and say hi: superasia8


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been gone for so long but in a big summary, i'm not a minor anymore and on my first day of adulthood I fell off my bike and then had a few crazy weeks and now i've been sick and finally had some time to think about this
> 
> there's also one thing I forgot to tell you about guys and it's another amazing fanart! it's wonderful, thank you so much for it, belgianphan ❤  
> [link to the art](http://superasia8.tumblr.com/post/149178277645/im-not-an-artist-at-all-but-i-really-really-like#tumblr_notes)
> 
> oh, and i hope you won't hate me after this chapter  
> enjoy :)

His first thought then was not in the slightest polite.

Excuse him but, _what the fuck,_ was it supposed to mean? How a girl, how _anyone_ could have been Phil's girlfriend? It was beyond his wildest dreams.

And so he gaped at the girl, his mouth hanging open, almost touching the floor.

A girlfriend sounded like a bizarre idea of a madman. Bizarre and impossible.

Phil and he were together. _They_ were together. Be it a fake relationship but _they_ were together, him and Phil, not that girl and his sunshine. Otherwise, Phil would have definitely told him!

The tall blonde smirked at his reaction but her smile died on her lips when Phil suddenly stood next to him.

"Not anymore," he said quietly, intertwining their hands.

Dan silently gasped at the unexpected contact and glanced at Phil. He wished he could read his mind and see what was hiding behind those piercing blue eyes. He couldn't, for all the tea in China, connect the dots to their quick exchange. He had no idea if this was Phil's way of breaking up with the girl or pointing out to her that they were only a history.

At least, she was no girlfriend of Phil and Dan could breathe again.

The girl took a step back, surprised as much as Dan himself. Her glance travelled to their hands, as if staring at a solved equation but still failing to understand the meaning behind the solution.

"But- I thought you meant it-" she stuttered, her brows drawn together and her eyes wandering from Dan's to Phil's face.

"Okay, guys, you've got to talk," Chris broke in, sending more than suggestive signs that lots of students and on-lookers observed them. Dan only vaguely remembered they were still at a party. The four words that have left the girl's mouth effectively stopped the rest of his world from existing.

What world was left if they were true? One that Dan was glad for not having found himself in, he was sure.

Katja's friend started the music again and people seemed to have forgotten what has happened in an instant. As the five of them pushed through the crowded hall - so full of kissing couples it was hard not to step on someone's foot - no one glanced their way. Dan didn't know if it was thanks to Phil's murderous gaze or thanks to the alcohol - either way he was glad for the lack of attention.

No one said a word as they climbed up the stairs.

Regardless of how probably hard a conversation with an ex-girlfriend might have been, Dan really wanted to get this talk over with. He wondered what was it all about, who the girl even was - he didn't think he'd seen her in the halls - but mostly, he wanted this talk to end quickly. He was bad at conversations like this and he was sure the girl would have objections.

Upstairs, they found an empty bedroom they chose as their _'private space'._ Chris shook his head when Dan held the door open for them.

"We'll make sure no one's eavedropping," he said, rising his voice slightly as the music was quite loud in the hallway, too. PJ shot him an apologetic look and Dan nodded, acknowledging his friend's words.

It was silent. Only a hardly felt bass and rhythm of the songs reached the room. In this small and devoid of the blaring music space, Dan immediately heard the sniffing sound.

"What the fuck, Phil?" the very much _ex_ -girlfriend shrieked but her voice broke at the end and she stopped to take a shuddering breath.

Dan felt sorry for her. She was on the verge of crying, her make-up smudged under her eyes - a real black waterfall - and still, she wasn't Phil's girlfriend.

Okay, Dan knew he should burn in hell for that last thought but he couldn't resist the tempation.

Phil let go of his hand then and walked- no, he nearly _ran_ to the crying girl.

Dan unblinkingly watched as his - not the tall blonde's whose eyes turned panda-like - as his boyfriend began muttering some nonsense to her.

"Cher, it's not like that. . . Listen, this is Dan and I'm only helping him.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

Dan was plummeting down.

Dan was plummeting down, powerless against the raging waves his body would meet in a matter of seconds. His legs felt wobbly and his eyes stung as he watched Phil reassure the girl that his words weren't true. And he were plummeting down. His whole world was but he stood straight, gathering all his mental power not to shrink on himself, not to collapse on the soft carpet. And he was plummeting, unnoticed by anyone.

They could tear his heart out of his chest with their bare hands and it would hurt less. Erick could beat him up again, Andrew could have another round with his friends and the pain would be nowhere close as to when he had to smile as Phil pointed to him and Cheryl - Phil's very much actual girlfriend - watched him with a puzzled expression, having no understanding of her boyfriend's words.

Dan felt he had. And it didn't make any of it easier.

Neither Phil's words.

"I'm so sorry for telling you we're over, I had to. Dan here-" he whispered to Cheryl and the girl broke into tears. Of happiness or sadness, how could Dan know.

"I thought you changed your mind and that you decided. . ." she spoke, pausing a lot, hiccups taking over her body and cutting her off now and then.

He wanted to blend in with the wall. Or not, because he'd still have to listen to them. So he numbly turned on his heel, having decided he had no say in this. Phil didn't even see him leave, he was currently too busy embracing his relieved but hysterical girlfriend.

Dan walked out of that room with a heart so heavy he almost stumbled down the stairs.

It was the first time he wished he had never dated Phil Lester.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

He walked down the street. The night air was chilly but he had no air. Maybe it was because of the jacket. A symbol of hope had changed into a sign of his desperate love and a mocking remainder of all the things he thought were true.

A hopeless romantic.

"Dan! Hang on!" PJ shouted after him. Dan could hear his fast footsteps - probably running or jogging, but he didn't stop. He breathed out deeply, wiping off his wet face.

He didn't go too far when PJ caught up to him.

"Dan, I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I know it meant something to you and I thought Phil-"

"Don't," Dan said sharply, turning to him, brown eyes striking lightnings, "don't say anything. Please," he added in a choking voice.

There wasn't much PJ could say, anyway.

"Just let me and Chris walk you home, alright?"

"Are you going to leave him there?" Dan asked, pointing his head at the house and noticing Chris who must have been jogging right behind his boyfriend.

"He was a dick," Peej pointed out. "And I'd feel bad if something happened to you."

Dan bit on his lip, staring numbly at the two friends who were ready to sacrifice the time they could use to snog each other and would babysit him instead.

They cared. They really did.

So not all of the people from his new circle of friends were pretending.

He nodded once and they made their way through the dark night together.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

Some heroes had superpowers. The ability to rule water, fire, wind or earth. To be invisible. To heal. To change. Dan was no hero and so were all the students in Mayfield. Although they were normal, ordinary people, Dan envied others for their strenght or their level of intelligence. He looked up to those who could physically protect themselves and to those who could embarrass a muscleman with their IQ. Self-confidence was on the top five list of others' powers. For him, it was one of the things he constantly worked on and polished.

It was low but it didn't exceed the critical level. He believed he himself had a superpower, too. And maybe the prefix  _'super'_ didn't fit best, but Dan Howell did have something in store. A secret weapon not many knew about. A secret weapon not everyone took notice of. 

"Next time you should put more tongue into it. Shippers will roll out a red carpet anywhere you walk," he told Phil, putting into his words as much sarcasm as possible after they had been accidentally caught in the act.

Accidentally. . . They've been waiting for their prey for what felt like ages in the cramped and tiny storage room. And when they found one, they immediately set in the pose Dan named  _'needed a dentist visit but you were closer'_ . He was proud of his idea. Phil didn't seem to share his opinion.

So when a student - a boy from two grades below them - was walking past their hiding spot, they both made sure to make much noise. Dan even kicked the door a few times but Phil shot him a murderous glance.

"Aren't you exaggerating there, if just a little?" he whispered.

"Pff, it's called being authentic, Philip," he replied, kicking the door again to prove him wrong. "You should know that."

It was bound for the whole school to hear that Phil and he have banged in one of the storage rooms - and Dan took all the credit for how the rumour was phrased.

Some news went beyond the twisted reality they  _'showed'_ to the world. One - the most disgusting and cringy one - involved a whisk. It sounded bad enough already and Dan scrunched up his nose when he heard it.

"PJ, don't share that one with us," he begged. "I don't want to have nightmares."

"True, man, I wouldn't wish my biggest enemy to dream about the whisk rumour. . ." Peej drifted off, shuddering with disgust and Dan laughed.

His secret weapon sometimes caused him trouble.

"Why are you so sarcastic lately?" Phil asked one day as they walked down the hall to meet with PJ and Chris for lunch.

"Did I touch a raw nerve there? Phil, you can't tell me I've just hurt your manly feelings," he retorted playfully.

Phil jutted his jaw, probably swallowing down the bigger part of his anger. He did this a lot these days.

"All I was saying is that was a really bad kiss. And I really don't understand why everyone is still falling for that," he explained as if it were a well-known fact and opened the door to their classroom. He turned to Phil to ask for how long he'd be sulking about it because they needed to make a schedule for that, but as he did, he only saw Phil for two seconds before he disappeared behind the corner.

"Just come back for the dinner, babe!" he yelled after him. Phil returned to flip him off.

He walked into the classroom alone, earning raised eyebrows from his friends.

"Where's Phil?" Chris asked, looking around because that'd obviously make him appear somewhere.

He was about to make up some lie but PJ bet him to it.

"And where could he be? Dan once again pulled out one of his polite comments and they fought," he recited, splitting his attention between Dan and the book he was reading. His eyes constantly moved across the pages.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Peej added.

Dan crossed his arms and pranced, "Well, this time we didn't fight. I don't know why he's so short tempered. He's really sensitive, I guess. And he flipped me off," he added in a huff.

PJ looked up from his book.

"But you are like a match and he's gasoline. Whenever you're near, you set him off."

Dan shrugged and leaned against the wall nonchalantly.

"He always has his Cheryl to put him out," he muttered, his  _'I-don't-care'_ mood gone.

PJ only let out a long sigh at that and got back to his book.

Other times, though, his secret weapon only made everything worse.

"If there's still a person, if there's one single student or a teacher in this school who still doesn't believe we're  _'together'_ ," Dan said, putting the last word into quotation marks, "then I'll never become an actor."

"I don't think you should," PJ confessed. "With such sharp tongue the director and producer would hate you within the first word that left your mouth," he pointed out, looking meaningfully at Dan.

"They'd put you on a blacklist," Chris added as he took the needed books from his locker.

"Howell - the man who sliced bread with one curseword," Peej carried on in a playful tone and the couple laughed at their own jokes. Dan only let one corner of his lips raise slightly.

"Hey, get off his back, guys!" Phil cut in, ending their banter.

Dan rolled his eyes as the boy came over to him.

"Cheryl cancelled so we can go on Friday if you want," he suggested quietly, leaning toward Dan, words brushing against his ear, soft as velvet.

"But I thought we were hanging out at PJ's?" he replied with a pout.

Phil looked up at him, "Yeah but we could go on this party."

"Hmm, I don't know. . ." he drifted off, pretending to be thinking it through. "Aren't all the rumours enough? Do we still need to hand them more proof?"

The boy set his lips into a thin line and shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

"Why can't she visit?" Dan asked nonchalantly upon no reaction from Phil.

"She's sick," he said, sighing and running a hand through his hair. "Look, I just wanted to spend some time and chill for a while. We haven't since like, forever."

"Can't you go to hers, though?" Dan retorted, avoiding the question and calming down his fast beating heart.

Phil laughed, "Well, I don't really want to catch anything, too. So, Friday's good?"

"What does she have?"

"And why are you out of a sudden so interested about Cheryl?"

"No reason," Dan replied truthfully. "Just simple worry about my boyfriend's girlfriend," he muttered bitterly to himself. "And what? Can't I ask? Is it a secret, too?" he looked up at Phil who frowned.

The bell rang then and he was more than glad to escape.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

"That was a low five, Phil," Dan commented. He craned his neck to see if they'd be having more spectators, but, nope, it looked like the group of girls were the only ones who'd be that day's source of another  _'punk and pastel's sex story'_ . 

He buttoned his shirt up and fixed his hair, using Phil's camera phone. He let some strings to stay in chaos for reliability.

"What's the matter with you, Dan?" Phil hissed as he peeked out the janitor room to ensure they were alone and closed the door.

Dan crossed his arms, feeling more than trapped with Phil standing in the exit.

He muttered, "I'm only motivating you to try harder," and glued his eyes to the ground.

Phil blinked once and shook his head, "No, that's not this. You've been so. . . so like this lately that I don't recognise you."

Dan bit down his tongue, stopping himself from saying the same.

"Seriously, what's wrong, Dan?"

"Nothing's wrong," he mumbled, losing some of his temper when Phil approached him with his soft blue eyes and low calming voice.

"Are you okay, Dan?" Phil asked, staring down into his eyes and Dan looked away.

Of course he was fucking not okay, he was all but. But the sarcasm was the only secret weapon he could hold in his hand quite steadily, without it slipping out of his grasp right away. So maybe he was a huge asshole whenever he spoke to Phil. To Phil who did nothing wrong. It was Dan who believed and saw things that never existed. Yet, he took out all of his anger on Phil.

"Is it about Cheryl?" Phil tried and Dan took a deep breath.

Cheryl this, Cheryl that. Do you know that Cheryl. . .? Me and Cheryl have. . .

Always. Fucking. Cheryl.

His whole fucking world circled around that lucky girl.

He envied her the most.

Dan wondered how she has managed to never come up in any of their conversations before.

"Dan? You know me and Cheryl have talked about this and she's okay with it?"

Dan gritted his teeth and opened his mouth to talk back but Phil leant down and cut their distance to zero.

He pinned Dan to the wall and his godamn mouth was on Dan's lips. Dan pushed on him, totally caught off guard and having not expected that at all. He heard a girly squeak. The door slammed shut right after. He pushed harder on Phil, shoving him off himself.

"I'd give you a desperate one for that," he mindlessly blurted out, staring at the boy with wide eyes because despite all the rumours that Phil and he often had wild sex on the school grounds, in reality they haven't touched each other's hand since the very day Cheryl future Lester has made it clear to be Phil's girlfriend.

Well, up to this day.

"The girl- I don't know why she'd go in here," Phil stammered, cheeks flushed and his chest raising and falling rapidly.

Dan's gaze travelled to Phil's lips but he was not a couple breaker. And he wouldn't kiss a person who was in a relationship.

He tore his eyes away and killed the butterflies flying in his stomach. As he scrambled out of the corner where Phil effectively  _'captured'_ him, Phil reached out as if to stop him. Nothing like that happened, though, and Dan passed him silently.

"Would you like to come to mine on Friday?" Phil offered, voice soft. Dan stopped in the doorway and bit on his lip. "You'd pick something for the party," he explained.

"Phil, I. . ." Dan hesitated as he faced the boy. "I'll get you something and give you in the school tomorrow, alright?" he asked, forcing a smile. "Don't forget to do the same, okay? We don't want all this to go to waste, do we?" he whispered and for a few long seconds kept a steady eye contact with Phil. But as he didn't find an answer to a question he asked himself milion times, he smiled again and left quickly.

As he wandered down the halls, he realised that even his secret weapon had backfired.

Each thing, each word or motion he criticised wasn't bad at all. Most of them felt as if they came naturally to Phil and Dan couldn't understand, he just didn't get it. He thought that maybe he really should be wearing glasses. That he were blind because he started - or let himself - believe that it could be real.

Now his dreams were shattered but he could learn how to live in this new reality. Where Phil Lester was completely out of his league.

At least he hoped he would.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not gonna lie, I'm proud for producing this chapter and I'm proud I finally decided which version was the right verson (there were at least 5 beginnings that had different level of the hate I'd get afterwards :p)  
> all in all, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Don't forget to subscribe, kudo and let me know what you thought about this clusterduck :D
> 
> Knock on my tumblr and say hi: superasia8


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm aware it seems like two months is a big wait but my personal life got complicated and i've encountered a few awful moments lately. therefore, writing this story was really troublesome and i've met with every possible writer's block that i know of. but, the positive side of everything is that i've managed to slip in some of that angst of mine into this chapter. bless that something good has come from this at least. sort of xD  
> enjoy :)

He chewed on the inside of his cheek, like a dog does with a toy, and stared at his wardrobe, wishing that he knew what to choose for his boyfriend-but-not-boyfriend Phil.

The problem was he had no clue what to pick. It was more than granted that whatever he chose would look good on the boy -  every thing seemed to shape his body in a perfect way.  He also knew himself well enough . And the more sexy Phil would look like, the harder it would be for him to keep up the  sarcastic version of Dan.

He could always make  Phil wear something ridiculous or downright pathetic, but his noble heart of a dear friend would not allow him such vengeance. But then, there was nothing that would make Phil look less appealing to him and he blushed because it occurred to him how true it was. He could give Phil his potato sack and Dan would still feel like having a heart attack at the sight of him.

Anything Phil did or said gave him a heart attack and it was driving him  nuts.

It was unhealthy how much his life depended from Phil - after all, any heart attack could be fatal - but he also partially didn't care.

At least until Cheryl came along. Because Cheryl changed the whole universe. Dan's universe and galaxy, for sure. Brutal reality came in the moment the girl appeared in their life.

Their life, how sarcastic he'd been to consider anything that happened as 'theirs'. It was not theirs. It never was.

The moment he learnt about Cheryl was the moment when his deepest, most hidden wishes were confronted with the outside world.

He thought he'd been stupid enough when as a nine year-old he refused to believe Santa wasn't real but this new situation proved him wrong. He was so much more of an idiot than he previously thought. Believing in Santa was one thing but believing he had any chance of being with Phil? Dan didn't know that his IQ could have gone so low.

He shrugged off his thoughts at last and, releasing a final sigh, got to his feet, determined to get the outfit ready for Phil.

His IQ had gone so low that he couldn't keep their fake relationship apart from their friendship.

The one and only uplifting thought was that he hadn't told Phil, therefore hadn't made a complete fool out of himself. His dignity was saved, sort of.

Unlike his shattered heart but they say 'always look on the bright side of life', right?

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

Predictions of their future were painted in Dan's mind in the colours he'd grown to know. Everything was supposed to be as it were. They would carry on with the fake wild sex in storage rooms, go to parties. Show up dressed in each other's clothes, hold hands where people might be watching. They would continue their pretend relationship. Act like two teenagers, so in love that no world beside the other half existed.

Easy peasy.

Except, it wasn't.

The next day he approached Phil's car but the second his gaze met Phil's, Dan melted like an ice-cream under scorching summer sun.

A mirage. That was his explanation of what he found in the boy's eyes.

A phenomena experienced under extreme conditions, usually when one craved something so dearly their minds created the visual and sensory image, just to satisfy the owner. All because they wanted to find a well or a city in the middle of a desert.

His mirage wasn't a well but a thing even more primary and trivial.

Dan flushed. He thought he caught Phil staring at him, in a way he had never done before. Of course they looked at each other, they were friends, but the glances he kept receiving were nothing of the sort.

Were Dan on a desert, it would have been the mirage he were craving for. It must have been. His mind must have picked it up from his imagination. In Dan's dreams, Phil only ever watched one person in such way and that was Cheryl.

The possibility he were the subject of Phil's contemplation - any kind, he added silently - matched the possibility his parents would let him have a dog. Both equally impossible. Nonetheless, the awareness did not stop him from wondering, asking himself thousands of pointless 'what ifs'. It hurt. It complicated everything.

It disturbed him the most because the non-existent image didn't waver and his mirage was as clear as day.

"Earth to Dan!" Chris clicked fingers in front of his face and Dan cringed back, sending his friend a hurt look.

"What," he snapped, feeling as if Chris's cheery and light-hearted mood was teasing the heartache that filled him from head to toe.

The boy looked back at him with utter impatience.

"If you  _nicely_ asked me to repeat my question," he said, making sure to put more emphasis into the adverb, "I'd ask you for the third time; did you talk since the party?"

"Who?"

Chris rolled his eyes at his pathetic sidestepping.

"Obviously you two, who else?"

Dan sighed heavily.

"There wasn't a chance," he blurted out and his friend raised a doubtful eyebrow.

"And time," Dan added, glancing down, away from Chris. "Anyway," he spoke, playing with his sweater paw, "it's okay. We both know the terms we're on," he said quietly and bit on his lip.

Rage and betrayal. Those were the emotions that filled his mind at first and drove his body to madness. Today though. . . today came just a little bit of sadness. It gnawed on him, made him feel as if here were soaked through, as that one day, with the difference it were his thoughts that weighed him down, not the wet clothes.

He was so out. So not himself.

Party hosted by Katja might have been merely a week ago but to his broken mind it seemed like ages. Different. Everything had been so different. A barrier built between Phil and him and his coping mechanism was to go on, survive another day, play the pretend like they used to do but now without putting his heart into it, as well.

And he fucked up. On a daily basis. He did because he couldn't do it. Couldn't play the pretend as there was none for him. Weak and vulnerable, he felt. All his secret weapon had drained away, evaporated like the yesterday's rain.

"Dan?" Chris asked softly just like he knew what plagued his heart.

Bonus points if Dan was so up in his own head that he didn't realise he told all that out loud.

That'd be nothing new. He had been saying the wrong things too quickly since a while now. Since freaking out when Phil stopped him in that classroom at least.

"I should give him clothes for the party," Dan explained and stood up before his friend would feel obligated to comfort him. "I've got to do it," he firmly decided, not sure if he were either informing Chris or trying to calm himself down.

Chris only spoke when Dan was half out the door, his voice falling flat against the nervous beat of his heart.

"Now's as good chance as it can be for a talk, Dan."

He knew this all too fucking well.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

It was supposed to be easy. Find Phil, exchange the clothes, make zero talk with the boy about anything and then flee out of the crime scene.

Life, though, was a bitch to Dan Howell. And it kicked him in the balls when he least expected it. Well, he did expect to have Phil want to talk to him again but he also hoped the boy would simply drop the subject and let him be.

Phil was standing near his locker when Dan found him. Dan almost threw the clothes at him. He wanted to get on with it.

"You do want to go though, right?" asked Phil, the door to his locker left open as he stared at Dan.

"Guess we should," he replied with a shrug, tapping the floor with his left foot. The boy should hurry the fuck up. Dan wanted to go away. From him. Being near was too intoxicating, too suffocating.

Phil sent him one last resigned look, sighed and his sky blues flickered over to his locker. He craned his neck in the search of the clothes and Dan puckered his lips as not to shout how much he didn't want to go anywhere with Phil and pretend to be in a relationship with him. But then, Dan actually didn't have to put the least of efforts to fake anything. Everything on his side was pure authenticity.

Gloriously.

He probably should cut the chain of him miserably wailing but he couldn't help himself. His little heart had fluttered one too many times because of a creature with the name of Phil Lester. Now, the treacherous machine knew only one pattern.

Phil's angry growl came from the inside of the locker.

"Oh, just fuck me."

_Only if he could._

"What did you just say, Dan?" Phil asked, head craned curiously in his direction.

Fuck.

"I asked, what's wrong?" he said and mentally smacked himself, having made his own answer sound like a question. Well done, Daniel.

Phil stared at him and Dan replied with the same action. He prayed his cheeks weren't so flushed that they could betray him, as well. For a few seconds they simply observed each other, as if none of them knew what to do.

"So what's wrong-"

"-I forgot to bring your clothes," they said simultaneously and it took Dan a second not to smile at their bad timing.

Then, the sense of Phil's words hit him.

"You did what?!"

The accused hung his head down, rubbing the nape of his neck,

"I'm pretty sure I did pack them for you, it's not that I didn't. I just-"

"-didn't pack them in the end," Dan finished for him and Phil raised his head and grinned at him guiltily.

"Sorry?"

"You do realise in that situation I've got nothing to wear for the party?"

"You could come naked, you'll always be wearing skin anyway," Phil joked and Dan tried not to laugh at this poor attempt of a joke.

He let out a chuckle at last, rolling his eyes at both Phil and himself. His sarcastic Dan side was already crumbling.

"I do not pull off my skin," he protested, wrinkling his nose at the drastic image. "Do you?" he retorted.

"Of course! Every evening before I go to bed," Phil replied with a deadpan and Dan shook his head.

"Good to know. I'll keep that in mind when I'll want to see a skinned human."

Phil laughed but then turned serious.

"You could always stop by after school, too," he offered quietly as if he was asking Dan for help with burying a body, at least.

"It's fine," Dan said, waving him off, slowing his heart down. God, not only would he bury a body, he'd murder for him. "Just don't forget to pack it tomorrow or else I'll have to come to the party naked."

Phil laughed once and closed the locker. The boy stared ahead for a while and Dan's feet tingled as his instinct screamed,  _'Run now or else you'll have a talk.'_

"Dan-"

"-I better go," again, they spoke at the same time.

"Dan."

He glanced down and bit on his lip. He wished Phil wouldn't ask him any more questions. Worry came naturally to Phil, sometimes too naturally. And Dan couldn't be honest with the boy. Not about the boy himself. Dan would keep all of the emotions under control, tuck the sadness away from Phil's observant eyes, hide the envy, the loss he carried like an invisible backpack that added to his weariness.

"Are we good?" Phil asked quietly.

Dan forced his muscles to raise the corners of his lips. He met Phil's gaze.

"Of course we are."

Had they not trained doing things they didn't mean for so long, he would never be able to lie to anyone while standing face to face.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

To Dan's great relief Phil hadn't forgotten to bring clothes the next day and luckily, he didn't need to pay the boy a visit to receive the small package. Anything could go wrong if they were left alone. Starting from awkward tension, Dan lingering for longer than he should and ending on another kiss.

Memory of the last one was still fresh in his mind. Dan thought about it a lot, well, in fact, he had been thinking about it since the day it happened. That kiss was different, he was sure of it. He hadn't been able to find the reason, yet. But he knew that it brought change to both their 'relationship' and friendship.

A taboo subject, it remained. A secret they silently, without words, had agreed not to bring up in any conversation.

Many things worked that way and Dan was left to ponder.

Cheryl supposedly agreed for them to keep up the pretend but how aware was she of the nature of their fake relationship? Did she know they held hands? That they'd made out and Dan's parents believed he were with Phil? Did she know about that one time when Phil had been literally sucking on his neck in the middle of the school hall? They got quite close, too, been basically sharing lunches together since a while. Did Phil tell her about that? And at last, did she know it was Phil who offered to fake a relationship? Did she know Dan had no idea about her existence and had inevitably fallen for her boyfriend?

It was so fucked up.

"Daydreaming again?" PJ asked with a sly smile on his face.

Dan shook his head and muttered,

"Not really. Just thinking."

They've been hanging out at PJ's house, having in store a couple of hours until the party would start. Phil politely declined his friend's offer, saying he had to help his mum after school and Chris were yet to arrive.

"Thinking 'bout. . .?" PJ drifted off with a raised eyebrow.

Dan shrugged, not knowing how to phrase the thoughts that sounded so clear and obvious in his mind.

"Everything," he admitted.

It appeared PJ had been aware of Dan's crush. Since when, Dan couldn't tell but it must have been sometime around the day of the legendary Katja's party. Therefore, hiding the obvious was pointless. Someone knew now and he wouldn't have to face his thoughts alone any longer.

But, oh, what would he give to be able to tell the right person about his feelings. One person. . .

"You mean you and Phil then," Peej concluded and Dan flushed at the simplicity with which his friend put it.

He nodded.

"I could see that you meant it," his friend began, his voice soft and gentle. "It was pretty clear to me but it surprised me when-" he cut off suddenly, words getting stuck in his throat and Dan looked up, waiting for him to finish.

The boy grimaced and, waving it off, muttered, "Never mind, it probably doesn't matter."

But that has only piqued Dan's interest and he watched his friend closely, waiting for him to finish.

"He just. . ." Peej drifted off and only after what felt like forever, he explained, ". . .you both seemed. . . genuine."

Dan took in a sharp breath and looked down. Another blow to his heart.

"He'd probably be better of an actor than me, then," he mumbled to the carpet, feeling worse than before.

"Oh man-"

"What?" he interrupted PJ, mid-sentence, "You're gonna tell me to cheer up?

He smiled half-heartedly when PJ bit on his lip, as if to stop the words Dan predicted he'd wanted to say.

"It's okay. I guess we both fell for his act. Me, most of all," he added sorrowfully.

"I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry."

There came silence.

"What are you going to do?" PJ probed.

Dan breathed out. He's been asking the same thing himself. What was the best option? Move out? Change schools and cut the charade? Stop his heart from being a prisoner?

He was aware PJ had been friends with Phil for much longer than he were and Dan felt as if he were deceiving Phil. He shouldn't have been talking with PJ behind his back but he really had no one else to turn to. He'd never had anyone to share his thoughts with. Not about this. Now came his chance.

"I think," he spoke slowly, choosing his words carefully, "the best I can do is not to lose what little dignity I have left."

He waited a minute until PJ processed his words.

"Wait, you're not going to tell him?"

Dan lowered his gaze and picked at his shirt to busy his hands.

"I see no point. What would I say anyway?" He expected no answer. " 'Hi Phil, I fell for your stupid big eyes and that dorky smile of yours, just wanted to let you know'?" his cheeks reddened as he faked the words he imagined himself revealing. "I just. . . If I had known, I wouldn't have-" he paused sharply, the words not coming out.

"Wouldn't have what, Dan?" PJ pressed gently.

Should he tell him, no force would let Dan back away from the confession. Phil and he haven't promised to keep it secret. In fact, they had never talked about it.

Should he tell him, no force would let Dan back away from the confession. Though Phil hadn't asked to keep it secret, Dan still felt bad. But the thought haunted him day and night. He needed to let it out or else he'd go crazy. And so he breathed out and looked straight at PJ.

"I usually don't kiss or make out with guys in relationships," he spoke and glanced away. PJ sucked in a breath.

"Dude. . ." he carried off and Dan hung his head low in shame, face flushed to the roots of his hair.

"Hard to believe, right? Wouldn't believe myself either if my mum didn't get the very image, as well," he said wryly.

"No, it's just that-"

"Stupid, forget what I said, Peej," he cut in and sat up, questioning his own decision. He shouldn't have said that, shouldn't have given in to his need to get it off his chest. "Gotta go, dress up for the 'show' ", he joked and gave a little smile. "Can't fuck up the reliability."

He started for the door but it was his friend's words that drew him back.

"Dan, I really think you ought tell him."

Dan froze in the doorframe.

He'd never tell Phil. Not now. Not ever.

There was sense in it. Earlier. Before Cheryl. Now? The only outcome would be fucking up their friendship completely by making such a revelation. It'd turn everything between them upside down.

Dan opened his mouth but no word, no sound of disagreement came. He stared down at the soft carpet and swallowed the thick lump that sat in the back of his throat.

"Forget my words, Peej. Or. . ." he added after a moment of reflection, "don't. In fact," he spoke, looking away from his friend's watchful gaze, "please, remind me before I manage to make the same mistake again," he asked.

Voice slipping out of his control, he threw one last, "See you at the party, Peej," and left quicky, almost forgetting about his bag.

He jumped two stairs at once, blinking rapidly and pushing all the nagging thoughts away but in the end, he could not stop them from flooding his mind.

Dan planned to come clean to Phil. He truly did. He had even meant to reveal truth about his feelings at the party but every time he was about to, he met with an invisible wall. And then Cheryl turned up. The masquerade, which he wasn't aware of being a part of, began. He were happy, relieved when Phil denied a relationship with Cheryl. And then the boy ran to the girl, begging for her forgiveness.

Anger. Sadness. Disappointment. Humilitation.

Once he would scheme and wonder of the best possible approach to the subject. Subtle letting Phil know that he could stop the beat of Dan's heart with that smile alone and might have stolen the key to it, as well.

It did not matter anymore.

Phil could be known among the whole school community as his boyfriend but at the end of the day, it was Cheryl who Phil texted goodnight.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed it, found some part that filled your heart with tingly wingly cute feelings!  
> it's not the fluffiest of chapters but i believe sometimes it's good to stop for a while and take a moment to take a look at the whole picture. how did you guys like it? tell me all your thoughts in the comments! as always, kudo and subscribe, if you haven't, and i hope to update sooner this time :)
> 
> Knock on my Tumblr and say hi: superasia8


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT? AN UPDATE? TOOODDAAY??  
> i hope this news is awesome. enjoy :)

It couldn't be problem solving. Temporary. The word fitted perfectly. He craved a grain of happiness, even if it were to last only for a moment.

Yes. He had an eye on it since a while. Only then, though, on that Friday afternoon, did he decide to finally take the final step toward that inconspicious figment of heaven. Closed in an object so petite, yet so ideal.

Dan left the café. In his left hand he held a small, brown package. Smiling to himself, he headed for the last empty bench that waited for him across the street. Luck be blessed, his subconsciousness kept guard as he crossed the busy street, eyes fixed on his purchase.

He sat down, unwrapping the paper bag. Satisfaction filled him and a grin spread on his face the closer he got to the essence of his guilty pleasure.

A peanut muffin. Smelt delicious, presented itself beautifully. In other words; a tempting perfection.

Breathing in the sweet sugary scent it carried instantly made his mouth water. Every day would be better if Dan had a fresh and warm peanut muffin in his hands, ready to be savoured.

A sigh passed his lips and he leant in, about to bite into the cake. He never did. Dan froze. Muffin soundlessly dropped to the ground. Previously a description of heaven, now it slipped past his notice that the green pastel icing was gathering grass and dirt.

Modern medicine could work wonders but not as much.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

He had to let out a deep breath before he pressed the handle and pushed the door open. Confusion. Devastation. He had to think it through as he didn't know what to think, what to believe.

"Dan, is that you?" asked his mum somewhere from inside the house.

He closed the door. His green skully bag dropped to the ground next, as if it weighed a ton of bricks.

"Dan?"

She came into view seconds later, smiling as she scurried over to the mirror hanging on the wall on his right.

"Glad you're finally here. Thought you'd never answer your phone," she pratted on as she put on her earrings and adjusted the silver necklace, looking critically at her own reflection. "Sometimes I wonder why you have that mobile when every time I try to reach your number, it disconnects me," she thought out loud.

Dan glanced down at his shoes.

"The battery's dead," he explained.

"Surely."

She mascared her eyelashes. Dan watched with both fear and amazement at the precision with which her hands worked.

"Has been dead since a month now, it seems. You should charge it one day," she pointed out, stopping to make eye contact with him.

Dan hung his head down.

His mother sighed.

"Teenagers," she muttered under her breath, finishing her makeup with a few last strokes. "Anyway, dad's gonna pick me up any second now-" there was a honk outside and she smiled, "-like I said."

She hoisted strap of the black purse back onto her shouler. Only then did Dan realise his parents were supposed to go out that Friday. Their monthly practice had completely left his mind.

His mum gave him a radiant smile and put on her heels. Dad adored the elegant black dress.

"Oh, I nearly forgot," she spun back in the door. "Your boyfriend came. I told him to wait for you upstairs."

Dan blinked.

"You could have mentioned the party sooner, too. We'd let you have a sleepover after, as well. Considering," she added awkwardly, "you both stay safe and use your brains."

The flush on his cheeks turned crimson.

"Mum," he choked up, pleading she gets the hint.

"Oh, well," she said as if those two words summed up all her thoughts.

The car honked outside once again.

"Next time inform us earlier. And. . . be good, alright, Dan?" He nodded, rolling his eyes at the motherly tone. "And charge your phone, will you?"

She scrutinised him, from head to toe, like she wanted to engrave his reflection in her memory. At last, she walked up and ruffled his hair, her observant but fond gaze not leaving his face.

"I'm happy you've found someone like Phil. He seems like a good guy."

Dan said nothing. Phil was a good guy. He helped boys who were unfairly accused of cheating. And he had a girlfriend. Whoops, surprise!

For a second, he thought his mother read everything from his face. Her forehead wrinkled but smoothened out. He hoped he was safe.

She bid adieu to him and left.

The soft murmur of the car was loud at first but it was quickly replaced by the usual soundtrack of their neighbourhood; bark of a dog, kids's screams as they played pirates, a parent's rebuke, some lonely skateboarder passing Howell's house.

Dan stared at the door when a new sound caught his attention. A shuffle. He turned and there was Phil, standing at the top of the stairs.

"Hi, Dan."

They needed to talk.

"Your mum let me in, hope you don't mind. I didn't know how to decline her offer without seeming weird," Phil explained, smooth and controlled voice breaking the silence, an icebreaker sailing toward the North Pole. Unstoppable but meeting new obstacles.

Dan ascended the stairs slowly. Silent, still.

No plan. His brain was empty for once. In a moment that could prove to be so crucial for them both.

Lips parted but Dan didn't hurry to vocalise his thoughts and nagging questions. Though it felt like a beast lived deep inside his body, growling in hunger, wailing, so impatient to be fed; he wanted and resented knowing the truth.

Phil must have sensed the pressure. He regarded Dan carefully, taking no step back or forward.

"What's wrong?"

It came as a whisper, less than a word.

"I ran into Cheryl," Dan answered curtly.

"You did?"

"Phil. . ." he paused, took a short breath. "Why didn't you tell me? And you knew? Right from the start? Then, how could you not?"

Phil's face changed. Pupils widened, his mouth opened. He struggled to get a word out.

"I don't know what you're on about."

Voice rose an octave. Lying. Right in his face.

Had to be lying. It was impossible he hadn't known. A brother! Jesus. . .

Phil stepped closer but Dan stopped him with his hand.

"I need to know," he begged, swallowing hard his fear and the bile rising in his throat.

Phil watched him, face blank and unreadable.

"Did you know about her brother?"

The boy's eyebrows shoot up.

"Steve? What am I supposed to know about Steve?" Phil asked, taken aback.

The last thing that held Dan upright and not tumbling down the stairs then was the railing he gripped tightly.

"Her brother's named Steve?" he choked out, million thoughts running through his mind.

"Yes. Dan, you're really not making any sense. What do you mean?"

"Her brother is Steve?" he whispered.

"Yeah, I've just said that. Dan. . .?"

"His name's Steve," he repeated to himself, trying to make anything out of that situation.

He couldn't have mistaken him. Dan knew Cheryl's brother. His name wasn't Steve. The guy he saw couldn't have been Steve.

A hand softly landed on his shoulder.

"Hey, you with me?"

Dan nodded.

"What's the matter?"

He hesitated.

"Dan?"

"Does Cheryl have any more siblings?" he asked weakly, to be sure.

"Just Steve but he's ten. What are you trying to say?"

He passed Phil silently.

_Ten. Ten. He's ten._ It rang in his head.

"Dan? Talk to me!" the boy yelled after him.

"I'm not dressed yet, I- we'll be late," he told, quickly snatched the clothes and then locked himself in the bathroom.

_Ten. Not a teen. He's a kid._

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

Phil made himself comfortable while Dan wasn't around; seated behind his flowery decoupaged desk, his fingers were hovering above pages of a sketchbook. Dan's sketchbook.

Dan coughed and the boy flinched but did not take his eyes away from the notebook.

"It's impolite to snoop around like that," Dan said quietly as he stepped closer to the desk, trying to work out what to expect next of Phil. He was unpredictable.

"This was opened and I couldn't resist."

_Merely lying on my desk. Closed._

"You were taking your time there," Phil explained, turning pages. "Didn't know you were an artist," he muttered as he watched one of the drawings closely.

"I'm not," Dan said, cheeks flushed. "I just. . . doodle. Sometimes," he explained, dimnishing the value of his sketches. They were definitely not worth pondering about.

Phil snorted at that.

"Doodle? Mine mostly consist of ridiculously square circles. In kindergarten my teacher thought I drew an elephant when I showed her my family portrait," he admitted and Dan smiled, sighing internally. He hoped Phil dropped the matter of his outburst for a while; he himself didn't know what to think.

The boy turned in his direction. Eyes roaming Dan's figure and, no exaggeration there, literally roaming his figure, he said casually,

"You truly rule with the flowercrown and the jacket. Rock and cuteness at the same time."

Dan blushed as he gave no indication as to how splendid the boy looked himself. He chose blue pastel jeans for him and a light green t-shirt. The v-neck exposed his collarbones slightly - Dan's fault that he forgot about that feature.

Nothing on display was for Dan's eyes though, nor it ever would be. Oh, did Dan love tortures.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

Once they got past the grinning girl who let them in, Dan found himself almost tripping over from all the pats he received. He was overwhelmed with the amount of greetings. He felt as though he were a celebrity. It was unusal, to say the least.

"We've just waltzed into a lion's lair," Phil whispered to him and Dan looked back questioningly. The boy discreetly pointed around them. "You will find no one else but Shippers."

Dan shuddered involuntarily. He hoped no one forced them to kiss. He was reluctant to do it, now that he knew about Cheryl.

Phil wrapped an arm around his waist and Dan bit on his lip. He could smell Phil's cologne and pinpoint the aftershave he used that day. Distance. It did not exist. As well as any rational thought process. Dan had none of these when Phil was nearby. The awareness that it was only to seem like a perfect couple in front of everyone disappeared, too. He wanted to live that dream. He wanted the dream to be reality. He were its prisoner. Too powerless to change the course it took and his will too weak not to bend before its handsome emperor.

The party was loud and extremely crowded, as per usual. Bodies moved in rhythm on the tiny dance floor. Laughter and chatter flew through this well-decorated flat, making glass in the frames shake, albeit slightly. In the daylight, it must be a big flat but within the thirty or more students scattered around, the house felt hobbit sized.

Dan had an urge to run away. He wasn't feeling this. He'd much rather spend this Friday at home, doodling or scrolling through the vast expanse of Internet. Being here, with Phil by his side, so perfect and so out of his reach, was not fun. Dan longed for comfort of four familiar walls, an empty house and evening free of anyone bothering him. And he had the desire to cry since a good time now. But there never was a suitable moment to do so. Always, someone would be around. Dan didn't want to be heard. In the past few weeks, the world didn't listen to him and screwed him over however it wanted to. Now, he wished to screw it in return; he didn't need anyone to listen to his pitiful tears.

He wanted an out.

Why did he agree on this? Why had he trusted Phil? Why was he perceived as weak and vulnerable? What made everyone think that?

"Dan? What did you want to tell me? Earlier? Back at your house?"

He didn't reply straight away.

"I can't even remember now. Nothing of importance, it seems."

Phil set the juice he was sipping on aside. He wasn't drinking that night as he was to drive later. Apparently, Phil and his mum have arranged a sleepover at his  _boyfriend's_ . It added to the bitter taste in Dan's mouth whenever he thought about keeping things under control. He weren't. Decisions were made but he was not among those to discuss them.

"Didn't feel like it," Phil pointed out, watching him closely. "Dan?"

He sighed and averted his eyes. It was stupid to speculate but while he couldn't shake his mind off of who he had seen together, he couldn't understand another detail, as well.

"You said Cheryl was sick," he said quietly and raised his head. "Looked completely fine to me."

The boy quietly observed the dancing crowd for a moment. He bit on his lip as he finally answered,

"I know. She isn't. Sick."

Weren't they in a noisy room, they might have heard Dan's neck snap as he turned so quickly.

_Why did you lie for?_

"Why did you say so?" he asked instead, scanning the boy beside him. No matter how much time he spent trying to decode Phil's thoughts, they remained a mystery to him.

Phil leaned forward in the sofa and steepled his fingers together.

"Would you agree on this, then?"

Dan blinked, "This doesn't have anything to do with this-"

"Maybe it's got  _everything_ to do with this," Phil broke in.

Dan swallowed, hearing his friend's voice take on such low tone, and stammered,

"I don't know what to say to this."

"Just. The truth. The truth would work fine."

Dan's heart stopped. He was in trouble. So Phil did see, after all. Maybe it wasn't that much hard to see, maybe it was, in fact, hard  _not to see_ Dan's feelings. PJ caught up to the truth. Phil wasn't less intelligent.

"So. . .?"

"What do you want me to say," he neither asked or said. Mumbled weakly, his face flaring up and his heartbeat fast as lightning when it travels from the skies to the ground. So fast that it appears merely as a flash. His heart would hit something at the end of this talk. A true bolt of lightning that had to give its energy away somehow.

"Would you agree if I hadn't said Cheryl was sick?"

_So it's about her._

"You mean; hadn't lied," Dan corrected him but Phil only sent back a stern glance.

"Would you?"

Dan fidgeted in his seat.

"It depends. On many factors."

"Such as?"

"Such as. . ." he carried off, searching for a logic argument. "Such as- And why does it matter?" he fired back.

"Because I don't understand why you jumped on me earlier."

"I didn't  _jump_ on you," he said in defence. Phil was a bit taller than him, enough to tease Dan about it, but right now Dan felt tiny.

"Alright then. Panicked. When you panicked. Does that word work for you?"

_I can't put up with you anymore,_ the boy should say.

Phil took a long breath instead.

"Why was there disbelief on your face? When you heard about Steve?" he inquired calmly.

Dan gathered his thoughts. They didn't arrive. Phil stared. Dan doubted he could escape this subject. Not now. Too late for that.

"Because he's ten," he said, earning an absolutely confused glance.

"His age is so shocking?" Phil asked but he could have been sneering.

"No," Dan grunted. "He was much older. It wasn't Steve."

Phil turned to him now as if to better hear him.

"Well, Steve does look mature-"

"It  _wasn't_ Steve," Dan hissed adamantly, looking Phil in the eyes. "It was- someone I know, it was-" he stopped and breathed out deeply. "It was Rob's real boyfriend, alright?" he whispered, glancing around nervously.

They were, after all, in a lion's lair.

"It wasn't Steve, Phil," he repeated.

"Who, then?"

Dan flinched. Realisation struck him. Phil didn't know.

"I only saw him with Rob. Once. Maybe twice," he lied.

"Why are you protecting him?"

_Perfect question, Phil. You should be an investigator in the future. You'd drive everyone crazy with your looks alone. They'd beg to confess their crimes._

"I'm not."

Phil sighed in defeat.

"Because you don't know," Dan muttered. "How it is when the whole school turns against you and the closest people to you have suddenly become your enemies." He looked at his hands. "You're alone once again. Scared of your own shadow. Have you ever had to hide in a library and sit quiet like a mouse when some assholes call you out?" he spat out, angry at himself, angry at Phil for asking that question.

His fists balled.

"Or have you ever-" he stopped momentarily.

_Have you ever fallen in love with someone in such tragic way as I did? With you?_

"Dan, I'm sorry this-"

"And he doesn't know a thing," he cut in, brown eyes still, unmoving, stuck on an object he didn't register. "Thinks I'm helping them and that we have some sort of deal. Rob was right. I should have listened to him. Done what he said," he wondered out loud. That day. That day he met Phil.

_None of this would have happened. I wouldn't have met you. Agreed on that stupid arrangement._

For the second time that Friday, a hand lay on his shoulder.

"I'm sure whatever Rob wanted wouldn't end well. For you," Phil whispered and Dan would laugh if it wouldn't have attracted too much attention.

"And I think your decision to stand up to him was good. No doubt brave. The guy's a muscle machine," he said and Dan snorted, about to point out that Phil was the one who shoved Ellie's brother off of him, not Dan.

"I'm not brave," he opposed. "I couldn't even protect myself when. . ." he carried off and shrugged. "None of this would have happened then," he mumbled.

"I think you're pretty brave," Phil said and Dan sighed longingly for the  _'and'_ between.

That could exist in his dreams, nowhere else.

"But, help me understand," Phil asked, seeming to steer their conversation onto different tracks. "If he's got no idea of anything, why did it strike you as such shock to see him and Cheryl?"

Dan took a deep breath.

"Because- Phil, you said Steve is ten and her only sibling?" The boy nodded. Dan glanced away. He didn't want to impose his own opinion on him.

_Just say it and let Phil think for himself. Don't speculate anything, don't draw your conclusions. Say it._

"Cheryl. . . she presented him as her brother, Phil."

"But Steve is ten," Phil repeated his words from earlier.

Dan bit on his lip as he watched the grim expression on his friend's face. Disbelief.

"Why would she say that," he mumbled. Dan shook his head, at a loss at what to say.

This was fucked up. Grade A fucked up.

The boy stood up.

"Phil?"

"I'm going out for a minute," he said, voice lacking emotions. He stared ahead. Dan wanted to hold him.

"Phil, are you okay. . .?"

"Yeah, yeah, I just need- a minute. Yeah. Just a minute. I'll be back soon."

Dan watched him leave the room. Worry settled in his stomach. It was weird to think that way but even though he wished Cheryl didn't exist in their universe, he'd never wish that Phil and she part their ways because of. . . this.

He knew how badly a heart could ache because of betrayal. B eing cheated on must hurt like pulling off a band aid and getting a slap at the same time .

"Hi! Dan, right?" An unknown face jumped in front of him and a girl sat next to him. "I'm Margaret but you can call me Meg," she beamed at him. "Why sitting here alone? Are you and Phil okay?"

Dan felt thrown off balance. She spoke as if she genuinely cared and while it was sweet, it was also intimidating. He'd never talked with her before.

"I- we're fine-"

"You don't have to explain, Dan!" she waved him off, silencing him. "It's your business," she chimed.

Dan regretted he let Phil leave. He stood to follow in his friend's tracks but another girl blocked his way. Another person came up to him, someone gave him a reassuring pat.

"Come on, let's get a drink for you!"

More urging pushes, more encouragement flew in. He was being directed to the kitchen and he couldn't resist the flow of people.

"I- Sorry, I have to get to Phil," he said but his words died in the cacophony of music and voices.

He turned around just in time to see the front door close behind his friend.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there, hope you all liked it, tell me how much love or hate you want to give me now lol (jk, just love, i want nothing but it)  
> Tell me your thoughts on it as I'm curious. Are you liking this? Hating? surely both haha, gee, i'm actually scared. alright, so if you comment, I'll love you forever and if you subscribe then I'll give you a hug (everyone calls them Jo hugs, they have a brand xD)  
> Comment, subscribe and don't forget to hit that kudo! I imagine they're virtual cookies. Cute little virtual cookies  
> Till next time!  
> ALSO: thanks to everyone for your sweet words, you're the best ❤ 
> 
> Knock on my tumblr and say hi: superasia8


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry for disappearing off the face of the Internet for so long. Had school to finish, exams to write and shortly after a job to go to. Still do but I had more time this week yay!  
> Hope you guys enjoy! thank you for reminding me that I should update, that kick was all I needed. Enjoy once again :)

"Just one drink, Dan," a voice assured. For the millionth time.

It was then that he knew he would either blow up or. . . well, he saw no other way out.

He may have been weak but, fuck it, he wasn't one to listen to commands  _and_ obey them. Dan was no bloody dog to catch a stick and carry it back. And nobody would ever make him one. He stood up to Rob - more stupid than brave he saw it - so what was a crowd of students to him?

"No, thank you," he said politely but firmly to a certain guy. The arm hung around Dan's neck made him itchy as hell.

Shit. He was going to blow up. Ninety percent.

"Thank you, everyone, but I'm fine," he repeated, shrugging off the unfamiliar hands and taking a step back. "I have to check on Phil, though, we'll join you later," he informed and spun back to the front door, not looking back on the crowd.

He raised his head and blinked because it actually worked. No one followed or tried to convince him. He should have tried that ages ago. Wasn't that hard.

Dan wrapped the leather jacket tighter around himself as he stepped out onto the porch. Slouched figure was sitting on the steps, its pastel clothes almost burning in the darkness of the night. Phil.

"I may have just been a dick to a few people," he spoke and joined the boy.

Phil flinched. Hard.

So he gave the worst question to have been invented a try.

"You 'kay?"

"Yeah. I mean. Not." Phil let out a deep, shuddering breath. "Fuck."

Indeed, fuck. Fucking sick situation.

"I can't- believe. Any of this."

"You and me both."

Dan glanced up, searching for words amongst the constellations. The Plough merely winked down at him from the sky and the silence stretched on.

Nothing he did or say would help. Pain was calling out and when loud as this, it had to be heard. A matter of time, it was, until its icy arms curled around their next victim. Around Phil.

The pain would come. To ruin the tidiness of every emotion. In its wake, it would leave a stain so remarkable that no ordinary spot remover could wash away. Nothing but time. And even with the ache long gone, these days would always come. When memories brought to the surface of one's mind seemed a mocking, bittersweet reminder of the good old times.

Dan knew this well.

"I'm sorry this has happened. I- I wish it didn't," he whispered. With all honesty.

God, he should be celebrating. Relationship with Cheryl was, after all, on the brink of a disaster. He couldn't, though, feel happiness.

Only deep mutual sadness.

"I should have seen it coming," Phil muttered, as if to himself. He picked up a random blade of grass and threw it away.

A pointless action to busy his shaking hands with.

"Phil, there was literally nothing you could do to prevent that from happening," he justified his friend, leaning towards him.

"No."

"It's not your fault-"

"Right," Phil snapped.

Dan remained silent.

The grass moved in the breeze. Chilly breeze. Dan trembled as he watched a young slim tree bend slightly over its force. Leaves danced on the wind, letting out a comforting, almost lulling ode.

"Wanna go home?"

Phil shook his head.

"We still have an appearance to keep."

"Fuck this shit," Dan said without hesitation, staring into the night.

Phil turned to him, surely raised an eyebrow.

"But people may think-"

"Oh, they  _never_ do! See, all they do is  _assume_ and even that they get wrong most of the time. I mean, look at us!" he spoke, frustration turning his voice higher than he should have kept it.

"Seriously," he carried on when the bundle of anger has dissipated a little, "let's get out of here. We've walked out on the scene today but we don't have to stay and give freaking autographs, too. Anyway," he added softly, "they don't deserve this. You don't have to do this, Phil."

The boy eyed him for a moment. He opened his mouth.

"I- yeah, maybe you're right but-"

"-No buts."

"No, but," he cringed and Dan smiled, hoping to see Phil return it. "Um, we should go and stay for at least a few minutes. Otherwise, they'll think we've had a quarrel."

Dan stared.

"Just a few minutes, that's all," Phil promised.

"Will you be fine?"

A second. A second too long and Dan knew the answer already.

"I'll try my best."

"You always do," he muttered with a sour smile.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

Phil was a medium; Dan met no one who didn't know them. Doubt made him wonder if those people were even students. A lot of them were complete strangers to him. He couldn't recall seeing them at school even once. It was an uneasy thought. If these faces were truly unfamiliar to him, who else knew about their so-called 'relationship'? Who else knew about the big Mayhem scandal then? Was this whole town full of crap that Rob fed it with? Dan didn't even want to dwell on that. Better not to. If the news got to Bradfield- no, impossible. Bradfield was past.

He wasn't one to exaggerate. Everyone wanted to have a nice little chat. Every bloody guy and a girl waited almost as if in a bloody queue. After one person left, another immediately took their place to congratulate or cooe over their relationship. And so their few minutes turned into few hours. Was the decision up to him, Dan would grab Phil's hand and escort him right away from the endless crowds. He would go home, wrap Phil in a blanket and swing a sword at anyone who dared to break his peace.

Every time he nudged Phil, though, or stared pointedly, Phil shook his head slightly. Dan waited for a sign. Anything at all. A simple nod, a wrinkled nose, anything - he was more than ready to become a personal bodyguard within seconds.

It drove Dan insane to the point where he'd overreact at snide comments with vicious and cutting remarks. Phil would only roll his eyes and Dan wished he'd done more. An outburst, chiding, scolding - anything would have been better than this impassive reaction of no action.

When midnight rolled around Dan decided for them both.

"I'm done, Phil. You're done."

His heart fell and crushed against the ground because he didn't hear any protest.

They drove to Phil's house in silence. He would have taken his words back if he could. He'd done this. Were he quiet about Cheryl, Phil wouldn't be heartbroken. Not then, at least. He was so shit at being a friend.

The building resembled their behaviour perfectly. Quiet was deafening and the little creaks under their feet as they mounted the stairs sounded like a shout. They entered the room, without sharing vigorous banter. Its owner wasn't keen on breaking the silence, either.

It was almost a physical thing. The silence. Dan could cut it with a knife.

Phil flicked the lights on, blinding Dan for a moment, and carelessly threw his phone on the nightstand. The metallic sound of it like a permission to say anything at all. Or maybe just an excuse.

"You can sleep here, I'll take the couch."

Dan furrowed his brows.

"Your bed is too big not to share. Plus, neck pains are terrible," he confessed.

"If you're scared of the dark, just say it," Phil teased and Dan laughed, internally breathing a sigh of relief but feeling his heart skip a beat.

The problem hadn't miraculously vanished. It still existed. But if Phil was willing to pretend it wasn't true, Dan could adjust. Running was impossible but postponing the inevitable could always ease the pain, if only for a moment.

They both changed into something much more comfortable - for Dan it was Phil's yellow hoodie and a pair of loose trousers. Dan couldn't imagine sleeping in the tight jeans he had on so he accepted the clothes with grateful thanks. They dove under the covers. The smell of Phil was excruciating; the pillows, borrowed clothes and the awareness alone that his friend was just an arm distance away; Dan gulped heavily. What was he thinking when he offered this?

The sheets rustled as the boy moved and Dan remembered why.

"Phil?" he whispered.

A second passed before the reply came.

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Phil swallowed loudly and grunted. Dan took it for no.

Although a few hours later a movement woke Dan up. It was his friend.

Phil slid out of the bed. Slight tip-toeing then a lock opening. A brush of fresh air. Chill.

Dan kept his eyes closed and strained his ears.

A gasp. Of breath. But nothing more.

What alerted Dan was silence. Not a cry, not a wail. Nor a sniff. Silence.

He peaked from under his lashes. Phil was staring out the window but he could be in Alaska or on the Moon, as well, and nothing would truly catch his attention. His friend's head turned at Dan as if he were aware of the scrutiny. But the blue eyes didn't catch the brown ones. Whatever thoughts were running through his mind, they were locked away, and they locked away Phil in his ponderings, too.

They stared at each other. Dan did. Phil just- he kept up the pretend.

Dan opened his mouth. Phil yawned so Dan closed his.

The bed dipped and Dan shut his eyes.

They would talk later.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

In the morning, Phil was smiling. Dan smiled apprehensively but Phil- he was beaming.

Dan wanted to help with the pretend. It was what he was good at.

It stunk of false as neither of them talked about the great possibility that Cheryl was a cheater.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

He certainly didn't leave too late. It was the bus which arrived too early. One freaking minute. Or three. Either way, it was not his fault but he'd have to face the repercussions anyway. Fan-fucking-tastic. Or as the Shippers would say; phantastic.

Dan entered the school when his first period was halfway up finished. And Mr Tod - number one hater of Dan - certainly had a special place in his imaginary hell for adulterers. Name Howell might have been on the top of that list.

So as to pass the time and avoid death from Mr Tod's laser eyes, Dan wandered the empty halls, his footsteps the only sound breaking through the volume of teachers and students' voices coming from the classrooms.

They should have talked. They didn't.

He took a left, rolling his shoulder blades. In moments like this, he'd find a hiding spot somewhere around the west wing of the school and pop in some worthy emo music. While crying. Alright, just sniffing and taking pity on himself. Dan missed it, though. Not the exaggerative way of dealing with problems but the possibility of forgetting the world. With no headphones or no mindless game, his brain was running in circles and almost overheating with thoughts. Undiscussed, they barely held under his control.

Simply sucked. Life simply sucked when he had to constantly face it and had no escape route.

Dan hesitated as he took another step. A silhouette of a student was steadily approaching on the far end of the hall.

Heart leapt, Dan shuddered. The body reacted way before the mind understood why.

The figure stopped and Dan bolted, not thinking twice about the decision.

With a slap of the boots Dan already had a chance to grow familiar with, Andrew Smith, aka The Kicker, started in his direction.

The idea of being torn to shreds with his teacher's gaze felt now comforting and pleasant. Relaxing, to say the least.

Why did he choose being stomped to death?

Right, he didn't but somebody else made that decision for him. How thoughtful.

A rustle of material sounded right behind and he let out a strangled scream. Dan put more effort into his jelly legs than he's had in a lifetime. If only they could take him to the end of the country in a matter of seconds.

The Kicker spluttered as Dan ran and ran. Skully bag nudged him every now and then and it would come to him as no surprise if papers were flying around as he sprinted down the hall. He couldn't care less about losing all of his stationery if a lighter bag gave him the advantage to escape.

His strides grew longer and messier though, his chest felt more stricken and he was losing breath. Were he in a running competition now would have been the best bloody time for a finish line. Sadly or not, he wasn't, and Dan desperately gulped for air. Fear and the sprint quickened his heartbeat.

Fuck, he got used to being with Phil so much that he's taken safety for granted. He didn't want to pay for it with a broken leg. Or an arm. Or any other limb so as to be honest.

Andrew was still alarmingly close when Dan checked. He put every last ounce of energy into his sprint. Smith stopped in his tracks and a heavy weight lifted off his shoulders. His own rapid breathing was ringing in his ears. A creak of the opening door was merely a white noise in all the ruckus.

So Dan crashed hard into his obstacle.

He didn't know for how long he lay there, on the floor, dazed. Pain sent literal bells in his head. He sat upright but someone's arms held him down. His pulse started up again, sending one constant warning signal to his brain - Kicker, Kicker, Kicker.

"Easy! You okay?"

He stared at the frightened girl crouching beside and let out a relieved breath, allowing his body to deflate. He winced in pain but mumbled anyway,

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure? I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that," she rambled on.

"Running around the school, huh? Is this how you spend the majority of my classes, Howell?" no one other's but Mr Tod's icy voice hissed and Dan would give a witty comeback if he wasn't overwhelmed with almost having lost his fucking head just seconds before.

"I can go with him to the nurse, Mr," the girl cut in before the teacher could start exorcising him. She sent him a small smile and Dan had never been gladder to have someone back him up.

Tod screwed up his eyes, but nodded, waving dismissively.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

"I'm alright, Ma'am," he said to the pleasant nurse but that didn't stop her from blinding his eyeballs with a torch. It never did.

"Did you lose consciousness?" she asked as she put away the light. He shook his head, blinking away remains of the light that danced across his vision. "Did he?" she asked the girl.

"No, but he hit his head pretty hard. I thought it split in two. I'm so sorry, Dan, I didn't mean to."

The girl was asked to leave then but before she did, she promised to get Phil. Despite his protests.

"That's the least I can do. Don't worry, he'll be here soon," she assured with a smile and left. Dan cursed mentally because the last thing he wanted was to worry Phil.

The nurse investigated, asked even more questions. He let her, remaining motionless, obeying her commands so as to leave quicker. If Bradfield taught him a life skill it would be how to recognise a concussion. And this was not. Just a huge bump that he could live with.

A rapid knocking cut her chain of questions. Phil came- no, he charged in, gasping heavily. Running?

"Dan! Are you okay?"

He looked him over, gulping for air, even more than Dan when he was running down that hall. Gee, his friend must have broken a world record. The girl couldn't have been gone for more than a few minutes.

Phil inspected his head, wincing when his eyes fell on the bump. Was it that obvious?

"I'm fine, really," Dan said with a small smile.

The nurse cleared her throat and they both looked at her, Dan blushing.

"It doesn't seem to be a concussion-"

What a surprise.

"-but if you feel sick, get headaches, anything, you should see your doctor."

Nothing he didn't know about.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

"Are you sure you're okay?" Phil asked gently when they could leave at last.

Dan rolled his eyes but couldn't not feel pleased about the attention. However, he truly didn't want to put more concern on the boy's mind. Phil had enough shit as it was.

"I am, Phil. You don't need to worry about me," he convinced as they walked down the hall.

He was rather okay - an enormous headache was the only side effect. But no one had to know.

Phil gave him a sceptical glance like he could read his mind.

"What's happened? All the girl told me was that you got hurt," Phil explained and Dan thought of the answer when the bell rang, spurting crowds of teenagers out of classrooms.

Phil eyed them, meeting eyes of everyone who stared openly. Dan hung his head. The bump on his forehead burnt more than earlier - a sign calling out "News in the Phan world!". Yes, Shippers have even come up with a name pairing for them. It was better than Ran or Dob as others referred to his supposed relationship with Rob. He cringed when one of the girls introduced this to him.

He w i nced and wished he could drown all the sounds out. The ache in his head grew equally with the students' conversations and laughter rising.

"Let's call it a day. Education over for now," Phil decided for the two of them. He grabbed Dan's hand, more carefully than ever, and they made their way to the school exit.

"Oh crap," Dan realised in the middle of the school parking and turned back towards the building.

"What?"

"I left my bag at the nurse," he explained but Phil pulled him back. Dan let out a soft  _'Oh'_ .

"You didn't," he stared at him, eyebrows almost joined as his forehead wrinkled. "The girl left it in the classroom."

Dan swallowed thickly.

"I won't ask again how you're feeling because you won't be honest with me," the boy spoke, the touch on Dan's hand feathery, "but I guess I don't need to."

Before Dan found a good response they walked to the car and Phil seated him in the passenger seat.

"I'll be right back," and walked off to the school.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

He hated Phil Lester for various reasons. Making him regret being insincere about his health was top-notch.

When the boy came back, he muttered,

"Nothing serious. A headache, is all."

And Dan hated Phil Lester for the satisfaction that filled him as the boy smiled.

"Don't worry, I should have painkillers at home."

He hated Phil's whole being with every functioning body part. And he thirsted for more of his smiles.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

"You still didn't tell me how it happened," Phil voiced and Dan shifted on the bed. The package with ice slipped down his neck and he winced at the coldness. Phil muttered an apology as he moved it up back to the thudding spot.

"I ran into the door," he explained lamely.

"Just like that?"

"Yeah."

"Is that a habit you practice or what? Smashing your head?" Phil precised.

Dan paid him with a weak smile.

"Usually I only do it on the weekends." He winced when the ice slipped down his collar once more.

"Sorry, my bad," his friend offered with a helpless gesture.

Dan rolled his eyes.

"It's fine. Are you, though? Are you okay?"

It was the first time any of them addressed there actually was a problem. For a better comparison, they could have been flying with three out of four engines shut down and only before the landing had they voiced there might be a problem.

Phil stared.

"I'm not the one with the cracked avocado."

"You know what I mean." Phil watched the sun shining in full volume behind the window. "How are things holding up with Cheryl?"

"Do you want another ice package?"

"Is that your answer?"

Phil breathed out.

"I don't know." He closed his eyes. His shoulders sagged as if only now had he allowed himself to relax. "I haven't seen her. Kinda avoid it," he muttered, the ice melting in his hands. He didn't see or care. Dan couldn't tell. Looking down on the carpet, Phil ran a hand through the blue-ish strands.

Dan shifted a bit closer.

"I get it. But you can't run forever from this. Either way, it'll bite."

"You think I don't know?" Phil remarked with that bitter tone which was so wrong to have come from him.

"No, I think you know this very well and that's why you're so strung up."

"I'm not-"

"-It's okay, really. You care, I see it," he said quietly, leaning in. "Caring hurts sometimes." He gave a smile but dropped it real quick. "Always."

Phil listened.

"You'll make it right though, I'm sure. Follow your heart, it'll lead you right."

"It's not that easy."

"I know," he agreed in an almost whisper. He dropped his glance.

"You don't-" Phil cut off, dropping the unspoken sentence with a sigh. "How's your avocado?"

Phil, master of avoiding uncomfortable conversations.

"I'm fine," he answered automatically.

"How did that happen anyway?"

"I was late, running to get to my class but the door stopped me," he said with a shrug. But Phil was still watching. "Could happen to anyone," he summed up, twisting slightly away.

Andrew Smith needn't be another worry of Phil.

"The girl said-"

"-oh, just stop it. They'd say anything to see you running with rescue," he scolded him and when Phil flinched at the harsh words, Dan bit on the inside of his cheek. "Even make up I was attacked by a dragon."

"Were you?"

Dan huffed, "I never thought you believed in fairy tales."

"Dan, please be serious with me."

"I am!" he blurted out, his headache coming back on. He closed his eyes for a moment. "I don't know what story she's cooked up for you, heck, I probably don't even want to know-"

"-She only told it was bad-"

"-But it's just a story," he finished, cutting in. "See? It wasn't  _that_ bad," he stressed. "My avocado is still in one piece."

He knew. They both knew. The answer wasn't straight up, it wasn't even a reply because it was a lie. Somehow, they've managed to lose that ability, that level of comfort to talk without shielding the most vital parts from each other. They were both so messed up.

"I'm sorry, I have to go."

"I'll take you home," Phil offered with a creak in his voice as Dan got up.

"No," he gathered his bag into his hands, "the school actually called my mum and she's supposed to pick me up."

"From the school?"

"Yeah. No. No, I guess. . . somewhere. Here. Sorry." He didn't know what he was apologising for. All the lies?

Phil nodded, giving him permission to leave. Or was it permission to lie?

"I'll see you later," he mumbled, scurrying out the room.

His friend gave no reply and Dan wondered idly how long did it take till Dan lost the title.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you enjoyed this! I feel a little rusty for not updating for months so if there are some really awful grammar mistakes, let me know :)  
> I will probably update the week I have a morning shift  
> Let me also know what you think about the chapter, it means a lot and makes me realise somebody cares. That is a lot to me and the most beautiful gift you can give me. So, spoil me :D
> 
> Knock on my Tumblr and say hi: superasia8


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am still alive! Are you happy and excited? I am, it's awesome news. Would you believe that in just one week I managed to almost get hit by a train, almost smashed my head at work and the only thing that stopped me from getting electrocuted was that the towel was wet and not me? Gee, I am glad that life spared my life, you probably wouldn't get to read this now xD  
> (update: I almost drowned in my bath yesterday and I wish I was joking)  
> Moreover, I'm officially a student now! And I left/quit/finished my job so now it's summer for me. Let's all hope for more updates :D  
> Sorry for not updating, too, but some things happened and I had to deal with them first. You gotta solve that angst before writing one, amirite? Join my Searching For Yourself group today (feel so sarcastic saying this but I'm like trying to be hilarious please don't hate me)  
> Enough of this rant! Enjoy everyone :)

"I want to break up," Dan announced.

He looked up at the ceiling and closed his eyes.

"I need to break up, I don't want to but-" he stopped short and winced at the nonsense. "But that's not the point, is it?"

He let out a deep breath. Had to backtrack. That road was dangerous. Consisted of bombs planned all along the main route.

"I know it seems like a surprise or-" he drifted off and looked ahead, straight into the silently awaiting eyes.

"Look, I'm sure you won't take it personally. After all, you've got. . ."

A fleeting grimace silenced Dan.

A hand smoothed out a creased forehead.

"I know that Cheryl- with Cheryl- that it's not the best of times but. . ."

He sighed, glanced away, everywhere but at his listener. His hands were far more interesting.

"Truth is, I can't go on like this. This is eating me from the inside and-"

_It's like a worm nestled inside my head. It doesn't let me act on my own. Controls me and I no longer know how to tell that-_

"Phil, you're damn intelligent. And hot. But," he mutters under his breath, "you must know that by now."

_I'm just hinting at-_

"I like you. I really do and-" he stopped because his throat squeezed. Physically closed in and he let out a choked sound but pushed on. The final effect was that he whispered, "-and that's exactly why we should break up."

He raised his eyes and similar pain stared back at him.

"But you know it, don't you?"

His own reflection answered with nothing more but a single tear drop. Dan watched for a second until he felt incredibly stupid, wiped his face and exited the bathroom.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

She kept staring at him. Not as if to just watch the walking sensation of the Mayfield High School, though. The singular treatment the girl spared him with was driving him nuts.

"Excuse me?" he asked at last. He put the last of his books into the locker and turned to the girl.

She bit on her lip but approached.

"I'm sorry, I know it's none of my business," she admitted quietly. "I just wanted you to know that you really don't have to to put up with anyone's abusive behaviour."

His brows shot up when she walked a step closer and put a hand on his shoulder. What the heck?

"You've got nothing to be afraid of," she whispered, eyes fixed on his. "You have a ton of people here who support you and wish nothing but good for you."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

The girl smiled knowingly.

"You don't have to pretend that everything is okay between you two, Dan. Heck, you shouldn't. If there is more conflict than not, well. . ."

They rang for another lesson and she left quickly with a reminder,

"Don't do things against yourself."

All he could do was gape.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

"I'm  _not_ exaggerating," Dan emphasised and stared Phil down.

He hadn’t felt such strong aggravation at anyone’s words for a while. It’s been a pretty damn long time. Rob belonged as a constant member to that tiny circle of people but Phil? That was something new.

His so-called boyfriend rolled his eyes.

“Really? Do you want the whole thing to blow up?” Dan carried on, trying to get a reaction he thought appropriate regarding the latest rumours from the Phan world. “Or do you want them to spread more lies like this one?”

"No, but you can't win them all ,"  Phil countered.  " Why would they even believe such fairy tale? It's not like everyone thinks that we're together in the first place ."

"And I wonder why. . ." he muttered.

"What?"

Dan sighed.

"Just saying; we don't need more problems right now."

“You never cared about that stuff! Since when have you become so worried about our social status?”

"So should you!" Dan hissed. "After all, we're lovers in the eyes of the whole school, goddamnit," he pointed out. "Am I really the only one to think that the logical thing to do is to stop the assumption that you're beating the shit out of me?"

He seethed with rage and locked eyes with Phil's. The door clicked open. Chris and PJ halted in the doorframe of their empty classroom. Beaming expressions turned into puzzled.

"Uh. . ."

"Oh."

"Know what? Forget it ," Dan spat out .  " This wouldn't be the first time my opinion  turns out to be irrelevant," he threw on his way out and made sure to slam the door.

He didn't think it through. Not an hour has passed and Tuesday spread another rumour that Dan finally confronted Phil about the problematic nature of their relationship. Not only were his words neglected but a struggle broke out. To everyone's relief, two friends stepped in but several people have seen Dan walk away, his face in tears.

Funny how out of the two of them Dan was more likely to punch if anybody stepped in his way.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

It was going downhill.

Phil cheated on  Dan on Wednesday with a girl whose identity remained unknown to the whole school. Throughout the day many looks followed him. Both curious and pitiful.

On Thursday, Dan  was supposed to get his revenge by hooking up with some hottie in the loo. The very same people who were ready to offer a shoulder to cry on now felt duty to grimace at the sight of him.

Friday brought news that Dan was done with Phil and begged Rob to give him a chance. The couple's linked hands, presented whenever possible , led the biggest May field gossipers to doubt the reliability of their own news.

A few periods and dozens of confused stares from onlookers later, Chris came with a smashing invitation to an even more smashing party. Dan thought it was very generous of the world to throw such an easy opportunity right under their  feet . Phil had to agree for he would have to face not only the consequences of further misinformation but Dan’s anger, as well.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

"Don't be so nervous. We've done it before," Phil muttered, squeezing his hand.

They approached the house. The music wasn't pouring out of the house which was a nice exception. Not all parties they attended had songs blasting on full volume and he was more than glad. His eardrums would get damaged as much as some rock star’s in no time.

"Dan? You're okay with this, right?"

Dan stared down at the pavement.

"Yeah, it was my idea, after all, " he muttered, thinking the very opposite.

After he  found out about Cheryl, he promised not to  ruin the relationship. The thought didn’t come at first. He was wrecked at the news and planned revenge, not silent companionship by Phil’s side. It took Dan days and many sullen moods to realise - he wasn’t meant to be with Phil for real.

There was one thing which could hurt as much, if not more - that at the sheer bottom of his heart he let a hope so strong to rise and develop. At one point he started doubting the falsehood!

He never suspected the tiny flame to be put out by a single person with three words.

_I'm his girlfriend._

And that a girl could put it out so fast.

"What about - " Phil stopped abruptly.

"Yeah?" Dan turned. The boy was silent so he pressed further, "Phil?"

"What is our story? To the rumours, I mean."

Dan had an inkling of what Phil really wanted to ask about but let go.

"I guess," he chose his words carefully, "the truth sounds reliable. It's not that I'm a total klutz but weird things do happen to me all the time."

Like that scandal. Or fake relationship. Discovery of Cheryl.

Phil nodded.

"And what about. . ." he drifted off.

"Just say it."

Phil coughed.

"What if it comes to them wanting 'proof'?"

Dan scanned the house ahead and tried to picture the desires of people inside it. If there was Katja, they wouldn't need to do anything. The host was unknown, though, and neither Chris or PJ knew them. They could only hope for someone non-Shipper or else they would leave.

"I think," his eyes strayed away from the two-story building, "that'd be very voyeuristic of them."

He didn't mention that it  would be a blatant cheating.

One at a time was enough, really.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

They didn’t know who let them in. Some guy opened the door and mumbled the host was busy with business and then scurried inside. Dan raised an eyebrow but felt sympathy because if he were alone, he would hide in a corner right away. A few awws and nudges made them sure of how many knew their identity.

Being a local star was certainly creepy.

A couple of people whispered back and forth when Phil and he passed by. More and more people threw confused glances their way, as well.

The whispers were the weird part.

"Am I the only one who thinks there's something fishy going around here?" Phil muttered as they stayed away from the crowd and chatted in one of the farthest corners to get away from the spotlight.

Dan shrugged.

"It's nothing new that they react that way. It was the same at school today, remember? Maybe there's another rumour that we've taken a divorce and seeing us together got them so shook."

Phil snorted and Dan grinned but the very same thought danced around in his head. Something was not right and instinct planted a feeling in his mind that they were bound to find out what very soon.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

They should really disagree stronger when offered to play  _'Truth or Dare'_ . It was known to them both there was only one way it could have ended. The word started with a 'K' letter.

However, Dan had his share of two beers and so did Phil. Why none of them thought it risky? Dan could never tell.

"It was a sunny day. He was goofing around-"

"I wasn't! If anything, it was you who slipped on the floor because you saw me," Dan cut in, grinning at Phil.

They were having definitely too much fun with 'telling' about the time they met. His chest was stricken at the small details they made up. The lies shot him right where it hurt but they had to carry on.

"Well, I couldn't help but stare. I had a good reason to," Phil relayed and somebody did an aww. Dan crossed his arms.

"Just finally confess you did faceplant."

"These challenges are answered by one person, Danny" he pointed out.

"Alright, I'll keep silent then," Dan said and locked his lips with an invisible lock.

“Please, never stop, your bickering is too much fun," somebody threw in.

And so did the game go on. They probably should have remembered the stories and recite them from time to time. Getting lost in history of their own relationship could  raise questions.

Finally, everyone took a break from the game. Some went to the kitchen, others turned to the dance floor. Dan had enough of both so he made a quick beeline for the bathroom. He shut the door behind and opened the window to breathe in fresh air. He closed his eyes and relished in the coolness reminding himself not to get lost in the fluff they gave others.

"Dan, you okay or is it time to head home?" Phil's voice broke from behind the door and Dan's eyes blew open. He latched the window and hurried to the door, accidentally sending a couple of toiletries onto the floor.

"Dan?" he sounded alarmed.

"Fine, just- hang on," he answered and fixed the bottles on the shelves.

"Okay?" asked Phil once Dan re entered the hallway.

"Being my incautious self, is all. You?"

Phil gave him a look as if he was asking about the obvious.

"Yeah, course. They want to start the game. You up to it?"

Dan looked at the stairs, weighing how much safe questions people had yet in store. He feared the more intoxication, the more bravery. But. . .

"It's as good chance to clear up your name as we could have been given," he said.

Phil scrutinized him from toe to the very last hair on his head. Dan blushed.

"Sure? You were in there for quite a time."

Dan rolled his eyes.

"We've literally had the same amount of alcohol today. Almost sipped at the same time, Phil," he exaggerated there a bit but, oh well.

"Have it your own way.  Y ou  realise they'll want more juicy parts?"

"Oh for fuck's sake," he stepped beside Phil, heading towards the stairs, "we're all teenagers, of course they want _all_ the juice they can squeeze out of this."

Phil raised an eyebrow but otherwise said nothing.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

"Dan, tell me. Is the bang story true, though?"

"Which one?" he asked with a grin , winked and a ton of whistles came in reply. Phil shook his head but a smile of his own played at his lips.

The bottle spun, choosing different people until it stopped, its mouth once again directed at Phil.

Shouts of intoxicated happiness and giggles came and the girl whose turn it was, silenced the crowd.

"Truth or dare, is it?"

The answer was simple, he knew it. They both agreed it was safer.

"Truth."

The girl's eyes beamed.

"Alright. Name the three first things that you like most in Dan."

Dan looked away from the girl to Phil whose eyes stayed on him. He flushed and smiled.

"That he's Dan, of course," Phil began, earning a few laughs. He wondered for a second, "I don't know what to  choose ."

"Am I really that limited?" Dan broke in with a smile.

"The opposite, I'd say," he said with a crinkled nose.

Dan could tell people listened in and another blush crept up on his cheeks.

"You're intelligent and talented. And you've got those adorable dimples."

Dan's face went up in flames as he smiled cheekily.

"See?"

"Stop it," Dan asked but grinned nonetheless. "Now I feel special."

"You are."

Dan thought that if it wouldn't seem creepy, he'd be one of those who went aww then and were tingling with the fluff. But it might have sounded a tad weird so he  lowered his head , flush ing enormously because the other option would be to kiss or stare and drown in the other's eyes. His heart could manage both for a second and immediately implode afterwards . Plus, they no longer did kisses and the other option was too intimate.

The game went on and Dan had barely the time to compose himself when the bottle of destiny chose him again.

"Truth," automatically spil t from his mouth.

"When did you realise you had feelings for Phil?"

He swallowed and his heart leapt.

"Dare, please."

The guy blinked, taken aback.

"Drink a shot of something strong," he merely muttered, too surprised to make him eat some disgusting goo or worse - kiss Phil Lester.

Dan smiled and quickly accomplished the dare, the liquid burning his throat but leaving a warming sensation in his belly.

Phil watched as Dan put the bottle back.

They both might have been wrong. Maybe this game was a horrible idea.

They were sat next to each other so when Phil shot curious glances Dan's way, he really did feel the power of them.

"Lester, stop eyeballing your boyfriend," someone commented from the crowd.

Dan flushed horribly before he leant in and pointed out in a theatrical whisper,

"Act naturally, Phillip. Plus, you really should stop staring, people are watching!" he said playfully, nudging the boy slightly.

He pretended not to give much thought to the intent blue eyes planted on him.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

Unfortunately, the other gamers smelled his weak point out. Not two hours later, Dan felt quite intoxicated and the party wasn't even over.

Phil called it quits, doing so as tactfully as possible not to raise any suspicions. They certainly did despite their best efforts.

"Couldn't you answer the damn questions?" Phil asked as they walked home.

Dan didn't give an answer as he tried not to feel so wobbly. It wasn't that he was unable to keep upright, it was that the ground suddenly seemed like a cosy surface to stay on.

"Christ, we shouldn't have even played that evil game at all."

"Your reputation  raised , tho," he mumbled as they walked on, hands in hands but Dan leaning slightly  on Phil. “Mission accomplished,” he added but didn’t particularly sound and feel  like a winner.

He is  _never_ getting shots in such short time span. They got to his head far too quickly.

"Yeah but your alcohol intolerance is low," Phil told and Dan bared his teeth.

"It's not about how much, it's about how fast."

Phil snorted.

"Yeah, right."

Dan shot him a look but his impression got lost somewhere in his hazy eyes.

"Is this your way of thanking me?" he said, wincing at how close yet far the ground felt to be. "Gee, I'm never drinking again."

"Do you want me to hold you to this promise?"

Dan took a second.

"Well, for now, at least," he corrected himself and Phil laughed.

"Knew it," he muttered under his breath as they trudged on. "Why did you dodge the questions? I thought we had agreed on truths only."

Dan kept his face straight as they walked on. He didn't answer and Phil must have thought him too drunk to have heard him. He flinched when Dan spoke.

"I may have panicked, alright. But I hadn't the foggiest idea what to say."

Phil scrunched up an eyebrow as he turned to Dan.

"We both had no trouble making up the majority of our answers, though," he pointed out quietly. "But whenever it came to feelings, not stories, you opted out."

"I guess I'm a good storyteller, not an actor," Dan joked but didn't receive the reaction he was going for. He sighed. "It's. . . it's just not easy. It's not like a story of how we first met or of our first date."

_Imaginary pictures of those have been circling in my mind for days now. With feelings. . . It hits close to home._

"It's not that easy to-"

"-fake having feelings for me?"

Dan would choke or literally gasp and then die of suffocation. He did neither.

He held his breath and turned his head away. He  _really_ wasn't in the right state of mind and didn't trust himself with such delicate matters.

Phil coughed once and muttered,

"Well, same then, I guess."

A pang of pain stabbed his heart all over and he glanced away, biting down his lip. A tear escaped in spite of everything and he took a shuddering breath.

"You  o kay?" he heard from behind . H e untangled his hands from Phil's and stepped away.

He wanted to wring his hair out and yell. His body trembled even with the leather jacket covering his shoulders.  The weight of it felt crushing and  his legs gave out . He plopped down on the grass.

"Dan?!" Phil followed close but  Dan held out a hand.

"Just- need some air, is all," he let out a breath and lowered his head more. If Phil saw his tears, there was no way of explaining himself. "God, maybe I should have just answered those stupid questions," he said, supporting his swimming head. Or was it not his head but mind? Swimming with despair so dense that his body would turn so uncooperative all of a sudden?

"Are you feeling sick?"

"Yes," he lied. "Give me a minute, it will- it will pass, I'm sure," he choked up.

He wondered how much time it'd take him to get over his cru sh.  The pathetic  truth was he got caught in a nice trap he set himself. No one peer-pressured or sabotaged him. It was all  of his own  free  will. Although, and what he realised was a weak excuse, he hadn't expected things to go south so soon and more so, Dan didn't  think he'd fall even harder.  H e felt so-

"-miserable," he mumbled.

"What? Do you feel unwell?"

Dan rolled his eyes and noticed the wetness abandoned his face.

"You might say that. It's-" he breathed in and out, "it's gonna be okay."

He fucking hoped it was.

"Do you want me to call my mum to pick us up?"

"It's like two in the morning, Phil, and I'm certainly not  _that_ drunk to be needing a ride home."

Just in an emotional havoc.

He stood up, legs shaky but stopped Phil before the boy could try and help him up. He didn't need help. Didn't want it.

"I'm okay, Phil. Let's just. . . go. "

He didn't wait for Phil to catch up as he walked down the street. Distance and proximity made no difference. Inches or miles away from Phil - he was the same person.

Lonely and pained.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did ya enjoy it? Or cried the whole time? I had lots of fun writing about the party and the game, it was hilarious. For the outcome I blame the band I found lately (they're awesome; you can cry and feel totally satisfied with it)  
> I love when I can share my interest for this story with others so let me know your thoughts and feelings about this! Thank you all so much for being my readers, you help me realise there's a point to this. I'm happy I can share this story with you :)  
> Thanks for reading! Comment, kudo, bookmark!
> 
> Knock on my Tumblr and say hi: superasia8


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya guys, I'm writing this as I walk because time is of essence to me. That's the behind-the-scenes you do not want to know lol  
> Alrighty, this may be something new as I'm tackling a few problems in this chapter so hopefully I succeeded in doing so. This is also a chapter where characters did what they wanted, I felt like I was only helping for the words to come onto the screen. It was fun!  
> Anyway, hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warnings: panic attack or at least a very emotional response to an event, some violence

Even the extraordinary gifts from nature - no migraine and hangover - even they weren't uplifting. There was no remedy for a broken soul. His spirit must have already been circling lower than usually, slowly heading toward the ground since a while. The day before, though, was the final nail in his coffin.

He woke up fine. Minus the knowledge of the previous day, obviously.

Scratch that. He _would_ have woken up fine if not for that the sight that greeted him was Phil's face.

In the end, Dan woke up not okay because this was too good and Phil had trouble with pretend feelings.

Various little details had become the death of him - the ever surrounding smell of Phil, the inches separating them from each other, the fact that he was in Phil bloody Lester's bed and that its owner was laying right there, beside him and Dan had the privilege to observe the worryless, sleeping face of the man with no one else watching his every move.

He could as well be declared dead from that moment.

Then everything went to hell. The blue eyes popped open and he stopped breathing.

"You up, I see," Phil said in his hoarse voice, and Dan has never, in his entire life, yearned so much for something he just got.

"I didn't want to wake you," he mumbled and the other hummed, turning on his back. He stretched lazily, making too much sex-like noises all the while. Few yawns later Phil finished the whole ordeal thankfully. World knew Dan would be in a bad place if the sounds continued.

"What time is it anyway?" Phil muttered. One hand messed up the black hair even more and Dan caught on that his own wanted to do the same.

He coughed, looking away.

"Dunno. Around the noon, I guess."

The sun was shining directly onto his face. Rude.

"We did come back pretty late," Phil pointed out. "How's your head anyway?"

"Way better than I'd hoped."

He then turned to stare at the ceiling. Their short conversation rang through his mind over and over again. The words that froze his heart but couldn't cure it of love.

"Want me to get you painkillers?"

Dan shook his head.

Phil's side rustled.

"Sure? You. . . you definitely were a sight yesterday."

Dan closed his eyes and breathed out slowly. He turned to Phil - the boy was already facing him. Dan hesitated as he thought through what was alright to say.

"I already told you I'm okay," he said, winced at the snarky tone and let out a breath. "I'm fine," he added.

Phil raised an eyebrow.

"Breakfast then?"

"I should go. My mum-"

"-is away with your dad. She sent me a text," Phil cut in, brows furrowing.

"Yeah but she told me to come home-"

"-whenever you want. I told you she sent me a text."

Dan looked out the window and counted to ten in his mind.

"When did you start keeping in touch with my parents?" he rather blurted out than asked.

"She _gave_ me her number because yours is not available," Phil replied, voice calm as fuck.

"But you knew that!" Dan burst out, head spinning toward Phil. He sat up, sending daggers.

"And what's wrong with that, Dan?!" the other questioned. He, also, sat up. The covers showed his pokemon pajama which Dan never remembered seeing. "Would you rather I tell her the truth? She thinks you're trying to break your phone addiction! Did you really want me to admit you were lying to her?"

Dan groaned and got up, pacing back and forth between the bed and the window.

"But was it necessary for you to text with her?"

"Are you disappointed that she blew your excuse?" Phil retorted from the bed and Dan glared at him. "Is it really that painful to tell me the truth? That you'd rather be home now?"

"Well, maybe I prefer to treat hungover somewhere where I won't be under constant surveillance, huh?" he shot back.

Phil laughed but not a trace of amusement filled the sound.

"Wow, you really are good at lying, Dan.”

"Don’t blame me. I've been learning from a master, after all,” he sneered, eyes narrowing.

Deep silence fell around the room as both Dan and Phil realised what he meant.

"Do you mean- is this about Cheryl?"

Dan looked up and took a really, really big breath.

Phil would be right if he hadn't missed the main fucking point.

"Not everything is about her," he snarled, tears pricking at his eyes. He navigated his clothes and bag and picked up his belongings. Phil looked - to say the least - dumbfounded.

"Dan-" the other rushed to say but he already closed the door and was taking two stairs at once. He passed through the hall silently, hearing Phil call out for him but pretending not to. After all, it was an ordinary thing for him.

He stuffed his hands into the pockets of the leather jacket and hung his head as he reached the street. The smell only caused the tears to arrive quicker. A sniff later and his walk changed into a jog, then into a sprint.

The weariness or the way his lungs protested against such drastic treatment - it was merely a feeling in the back of his mind.

No matter how strong a relationship was between them, there was no medicine for unreciprocated feelings.

Was he a masochist for ever agreeing on faking a relationship? He couldn't believe himself to be so desperate to grab that life belt. He must have been a drowning man at the time to have caught at a straw like that.

After a few minutes - or seconds - however, Dan had to stop.

He clutched at his chest, swearing he was having a heart attack. Dan breathed heavily but trudged on.

Two minutes later he realised he was dying. It hit him like a train - a pain all over his body, constricting his throat, squeezing his heart and freezing his brain. The revelation was terrifying. It slapped him across the face, dashed cold water on his shoulders.

Not only had Dan probably outed his stupid little feelings but he was about to lose the closest friend he's had since times of Bradfield, as well.

The world spun and Dan clutched onto the nearest tree - thanking anybody who planted it there years ago. He tried to keep his breathing on the average level but his body wasn't listening. Another fruitless attempt and Dan was one step closer to death. It was so like him, to die of suffocation, with millions of air supply around.

His head gave a loud thud and Dan took a shaky breath.

A strong power wrapped around his body and Dan sunk to the ground.

"Dan?!"

The smell hit him afterwards and he recognised the force. At that point, what could he do? He _was_ dying.

"You're not. Dan, listen, you're having a panic attack. You're definitely _not_ dying. I won't let you."

Another lie? Phil was really blind. Not seeing Dan crushing on him so hard - alright, that's something easy to skip, especially if said someone is straight. But dying?

"Dan, you gotta breathe, come on."

He wasn't. The problem was - he couldn't! No matter how hard he tried, he choked on the air.

"Breath in, breath out. Work with me, Dan."

Suddenly, thinking was hard, as well.

"Dan, come on. Don't do this again. Just take a breath, alright? I'm here and you're here. Both definitely not dying. You're okay," the voice whispered again and again. Dan took a shuddering breath and it once again felt like suffocating. Rob's hand closed around his throat, blocking the air admission-

"Breathe, Dan. Breathe now. It's okay."

He tried. Once, twice. . .

"No, we're okay, thank you. Just give us some space," Phil said sternly, his voice farther than it was before. "Hey, I'm here. Breathe, Dan."

He really did try. Was Phil not listening?

Softness. A thump. Very regular, very rhythmical and familiar.

"Can you feel it?"

_Yes._

"You're going to pass out if yours isn't calmer. Come on, breathe, Dan. In. Out. That's it! Good, you're doing great, Dan."

Vision clear, he stared into Phil's eyes and then down where his hand rested right on Phil's heart. His was still like a racing horse's after it crossed the finish line, but slowly became normal.

"You're _not_ dying, Dan," Phil soothed.

He nodded but his head kicked back with an enormous force of pain.

"You with me?"

"Y-yeah," he stuttered and fell right into Phil's arms, unable to keep himself upright any longer.

"I got you, Dan. Just breathe for me, alright? It's okay, you're good now," he kept repeating, his fingers rubbing circles on his back.

Dan shut his eyes. He truly wanted to believe it.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

The screen didn't change much since the last time he re-read the text message. Still, Dan kept unlocking the device that felt almost strange to be in his hands again, and his eyes took in the words for the hundredth time.

_Wish I could help but I've got something important to do. Sure you don't wanna wait till tomorrow?_

_Phil_

He assured he'd be okay and could do it on his own but now his fingers ghosted over the screen surface in doubt. Had he been able to manage that talk with his parents, he would be home. Not-

"Here ya go, espresso with caramel syrup," the waiter broke his ponderings with almost a hammer and Dan flinched as the guy set the cup on his table.

"Thanks," he mumbled, trying to smile back in a human way. An entirely wrong effect must have left his face as the waiter left quickly.

Dan sighed heavily and took a sip of his coffee. He typed a message to Phil but had to compose it a few times.

_Don't worry, I'll be fine._

Delete.

_I'm old enough to handle this on my own, trust me._

To the bin, it goes.

Something didn't click, though. Half-hearted, sarcastic - both sounded off and unnatural. He winced and set the phone away in the end. He sipped on his drink. The bell over the door rang and Dan glanced from the rim of the cup.

He was glad he didn't have any coffee in his mouth because he'd splutter at the sight of Cheryl walking through the front door.

He kept his cool - that is, he almost dived into the tiny bouquet of flowers - as the girl glanced about the room and chose her table.

The waiter stepped towards and Dan strained his ears.

"No, thank you, I'm waiting for my date," Cheryl said in response to whatever the man asked about and Dan sneezed at the strong smell attacking his nostrils. He ducked down as the girl looked around.

He swore under his breath and peeked. She was already facing the other way, looking out the window. Dan bit his lip as he glanced at the phone.

One second more of staring at an awaiting Cheryl brought Dan out of his reverie - he grabbed for the device and typed a text.

_This may sound weird but Cheryl is waiting for somebody at the café and I think she might be-_

Then, the door opened once again and his fingers froze over the keyboard. Cheryl smiled broadly and her date turned out to be Phil.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

"Oh you also have Math now? I guess we're gonna be in the same class. Is your teacher named. . ." the boy paused to check his timetable, "Mr Tod?"

Dan blinked.

"Actually, yes."

"And what's his nickname? A Person?"

Dan snorted. Mentally. Too many eyes watched them.

He almost sighed when they reached their classroom. Dan flashed the new student a smile and made his way over to his desk - someone so social like him didn't need a helping hand. Dan sat in the chair and checked his phone, deleting all the death spam. Not a minute later as he was attempting to get to next level on his game, someone stepped in front of him.

"Is this seat taken?" Will, the new guy, asked and Dan lost his tongue for a second.

The new student raised an eyebrow as a smirk played at his lips.

"Yeah, I guess. . ." Dan mumbled, watching as the other sat down in the chair.

"Thanks," the other said, smiling cheekily.

The bell rang, the last of the students jumped in and Dan resorted to his phone. Although - between losing one time and starting the round again - he did notice the visible pause PJ and Chris made at Dan having a companion. By the time PJ could fix his eyes on him, Dan had his already directed on the screen.

Fifteen minutes into the lecture, Will leaned in.

"Know what, his nickname should be Robot. Or Non-Human,” he whispered into Dan's ear.

And he actually snorted in response, shaking his head in bewilderment. He watched the teacher, avoiding the pointed look from one of his friends.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

Dan stashed the last of his books and shut the locker with his foot. It would be a while till he dared to open it. He could only hope that his future self wouldn't do it without care. For now he waved it off, saving that worry for later.

His phone binged in his pocket but Dan ignored it. It had been going wild for hours now and the death spam seemed to be neverending. He deleted all of the old texts but his inbox was continuously staffed with vicious threats. People were weird. Their minds could come up with such ridiculous bulshit that sometimes curiosity took over and he peeked at the messages. Some were funny, other nonsensical. But no matter how many times he repeated to himself that he cared about none of them, it was vain. Funny or nonsensical, all of the senders had one reason. And sadly it wasn't to wish him well.

A deep breath later and he walked down the hall, avoiding anyone's gaze because everyone's has planted theirs on him. That's what it felt like but then, he could have grown more than paranoid since that fake news spread over the school.

Dan turned the corner.

He really didn't want to face Phil. Not after the previous day. But was it his place to judge? He must have wanted to face his girlfriend about her betrayal. Dan would do so. The thing bothering him so much was that Phil was nowhere close to having a serious talk, it seemed. The couple’s entwined hands and the smile Cheryl wore whenever she glanced at Phil, eyelashes fluttering. . . The boy must have been wearing the very same expression. It was wrong in so many ways to observe them from his hiding spot. It was painful. Cheryl's beaming face and Phil's back leaning toward her. Dan wanted to puke and leave. Or leave and puke. Either way. However, he remained bound to his chair and sipped one coffee after another as he regretted his life.

Then, he recognised Phil's back farther down the hallway. The hours staring at him and Cheryl at the café granted Dan learned the shape of his silhouette. It must be him.

Phil wasn’t alone, though. When Dan came closer, he thought the boy was chatting with someone but a few steps more proved otherwise.

He jogged the rest of the way, desperate to get there on time.

It was almost like watching discovery channel but live. Phil's voice was closer to a lion's irritated growl but the other person was rather oblivious to it. Rob flashed him a smile that held anything but happiness and Phil's fists bailed.

“There is your skank.”

“Phil?”

He read it in the blink of an eye - the way Phil's knuckles turned dangerously white and his hands shook by his sides.

“Don't,” he pleaded, hand reaching out to ground Phil and keep him from doing anything stupid.

The boy turned, eyes softening from the tiny slits they've been before.

“Phil, please,” he repeated, begging with his eyes to withold, to let it go.

“ _Oh, Philly, please, do this, do that!_ ” Rob mocked. “Is he always like that? I'm so glad I got rid of his presence before he got so clingy and needy.”

“Rob-”

“-Follow my example, I advise you-”

“Shut the fuck up,” Phil cut him off and Dan squeezed his shoulder.

_Don't._

“You're no friend if you flee when your friend's in need. So shut your mouth or I'll help you,” he almost barked.

“Phil, this doesn't matter-”

“-It does! He's been playing you for too long. You're no fucking toy, Dan.”

“Yeah, Dan, get your tits together, you're no toy, you're a fuck toy,” Rob hissed but Dan didn't care, he just needed to get Phil out of there. “Everyone knows it and so your boyfriend should. You're just a slut and want attention so badly that you'd fuck anyone to get it-”

“Phil!”

It was already too late. Phil shook Dan's hands off of himself and jumped to Rob. Like on discovery channel. Phil charged, bared teeth an unspoken threat of danger, moves as if mathematically calculated, swift and smooth. The blow stroke once but to Dan it changed the world.

He didn't know he was holding Phil back until a voice very strict, very hateful ordered him to move away.

Rob pressed a hand to his mouth, revealing blood. Dan held hard onto Phil's shoulder, sure to have left a bruise as the boy breathed heavily.

Tod needed one scrutiny to set the verdict.

“Principal. Now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are your thoughts? If you're confused, shot me a question. I've been recently trying to do something different with my writing (btw this is the moment i almost smashed my phone, dogs are scary)  
> Back to the topic, I don't know if you have noticed but my writing has changed. I feel like it, at least. Tell me what you think of it! Any thoughts on Cheryl? Or the mess of a fake relationship between our boys?  
> Updates may become less frequent. Started a new job and I'll be moving to a flat soon so, not a lotsa time. Let me know your thoughts, opinions and hidden wishes!
> 
>  
> 
> Knock on my Tumblr and say hi: superasia8


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry for the long wait, life got hectic   
> Enjoy the content!

Dan stomped in front of the principal's office for about an hour. What was Phil thinking? Dan knew he meant well but Rob was a simple douche. One of many. They already had too many problems on their mind. And Phil was adding up to them.

Now no one would believe the rumour to be false.

For sure, it would do no good, but goddamnit, Dan had to agree it was a little hot.

Dan let out a resigned breath and sat down in one of the black chairs by the door.

He tried hard to let go. Of the feelings and his emotional investment. It was all for nothing, though. He should have given up a long time ago when he wasn't up to his neck in feelings. But even when Cheryl came into the picture. . . Dan still held onto Phil. Like a fool.

The door clicked open and Dan sprung to his feet.

"Howell, what are you doing here? Cheerleading?" Tod asked and Dan's face flushed.

"I'm actually waiting for-"

"Don't you have classes to attend?" the teacher cut in. "I'm surprised mine aren't the only ones that you skip."

"But can't I. . ." he rushed to say but stopped when Tod raised an eyebrow. Dan sighed and turned around, muttering curses under his breath.

He never made it to his classes. The empty classroom didn't ask questions, didn't look at him weird. Not only did it welcome him with open arms but also gave the silence he yearned for.

_ *** Pastel pagebreak flowers *** _

He was well aware of consequences but really, Dan could not give a shit in that moment. One day presumably, he'd give a shit - or two - but he still had a while till that doomed day came. Now was good and now his actual motto read 'Fuck School'. 

Dan felt sick at the thought that he'd have to sit through his classes alone and ignore all the remarks, all the pitying looks. He hated that. He hated people for not minding their own business, for caring enough to poke around with their noses and investigating others' lives. Like that would change anything in theirs. He often wondered what was the main reason for curiosity. Or, what he'd rather call, inquisitiveness or else - having no personal life.

If it was boredom, then. . . well, no words needed. But if it was just for the sake or the need to know everything? Dan knew people were crazy but some simply scared him. Had he been forced to pinpoint who, he'd answer ' _ Guess everyone' _ .

Long story short, that day Dan avoided people and to do so, he had to skip classes. It wasn't his fault, then. Teachers wouldn't know it but, eh, that's just predictable.

A few classes later - which were spent on hiding in their abandoned, dusty classroom - Dan could safely move to his next hiding spot - home. It wasn't exactly the smartest of places but it was quite bright in his opinion. No douches awaited him there.

Not a second has passed as he crossed the door, his mum emerged from the kitchen. She opened her mouth but Dan was quick to guess,

"You let him in, right?" Only one conclusion borne in his mind and he shouted, "Thanks mum!" and made his way to the second floor.

He faltered right in the doorframe of his room, though.

Dan found not his dorky best friend but the last man he'd ever want to see, let alone meet.

"What are you doing here?" he uttered.

Rob smiled at him from above the book he held in his hands. Only when he had flicked through the next few pages had Dan realised the importance of that notebook.

"That's mine!" Dan shouted and crossed the distance between them. Rob pushed him away and held the book higher. Dan jumped - quite foolishly because Rob still had an advantage of a few inches - and didn't reach his doodling book. He could try a thousand times but the effect would remain.

Fuck those inches.

Teeth gritted, arms crossed, Dan hissed,

"What the fuck do you want."

His former friend raised an eyebrow.

"Cute," he commented and set the notebook down on the desk at last. Dan balled his fists. In his mind, he was on top of him, beating the living life out of him.

Did he really stop Phil earlier? How come? He should have been cheering indeed as Phil turned Rob to a pulp.

Finally, Rob spoke.

"You may or may not believe it, but I come here in peace and-"

Dan burst out with laughter. For two seconds. His eyes stayed icy as he fell silent and pointed at Rob.

" _ You _ ? You come here in  _ peace _ ?" He snorted. "Pardon me, Rob, but you're the last fucking person to bring peace. You've given me nothing but pain and trouble."

"Yes, and I admit," he said in such a diplomatic tone that Dan wanted to punch him, as well. "Things have been pretty rough between us but it's time to change. We're not kids, Dan. We should sort this out."

"Kids? Sort this out?" he repeated in mock fashion, the pent-up frustration bubbling up in his insides. "It's a bit too late for that. You made me your shield, Rob. Fucking literally. So, the answer's one and only. Fuck. You," he growled. "Fuck you and your games and your false friendship. Phil is right. You're no friend of mine. Never have been," he spat out, gaze striking lightnings that could burn.

"Ouch, that hurts!" he yelped and smirked. "Anyway," he rolled his eyes, "I've got an offer that will satisfy both of us."

"Interesting."

Rob smiled.

"Dan. . . what do you say I pull you out of this mess? Wouldn't you want a clean slate to start with?"

"That's really mature coming from you. Have you finally turned six?"

"Drop it," Rob said, lips a straight line. "I'm being serious right now. I can help you. We both can help each other."

Dan laughed and coughed.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that whole aspect of you. Have I told you to leave yet?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Dan. It's pure business."

"Pure business," he echoed emotionlessly.

"Exactly! See, you get what I mean," Rob flashed him a toothy smile and Dan barked. "Alright so. . . well, let's say I have the means to stop the rumours about your sexual orientation," he told, tone as if he felt like an expert in that field.

"Impressive," he only said and peeked at his phone to check for any update from Phil. There was none, though.

"This is one and only chance to get you cleaned up from the rumours-"

"They  _ aren't  _ rumours," Dan cut in through gritted teeth.

"But do they make your life easier?"

Dan snapped.

"It's you who made it a living hell, you dumb prick!"

"Yeah and look, here I am trying to help you!" he countered. Dan stared as he moved his weight from one foot to the other. "Dan, we can both end this in a matter of days. Days! Think, Dan!" He took a step closer as Dan regarded him with a sceptically raised brow.

"No more bullies-"

"-Which  _ you  _ provoked."

"No more aggression-"

"-Which would never happen if not that you threw me into this mess!"

"Dan. . ." he announced seriously, "I would never  _ ever  _ do that again. I've understood my mistake."

Dan crossed his arms.

"Oh, is that so? What about today's pet nicknames?"

"That was just a smoke screen."

"A smoke screen?"

Rob pinched his nose as if he was growing irritated. That poor thing.

"How else was I supposed to get to you? Plus, this will only help us to clear off your name."

"Us??"

"Yeah. The news about the fight will have definitely spread around the whole school by now. Nothing, I say,  _ nothing  _ is stopping us from declaring that he persuaded you into a relationship. I mean, come on, Dan! You've seen it for yourself! He's violent!"

"You sabotaged him! You knew how to get a reaction out of him. Admit that you had it all planned out, didn't you?" Dan stepped closer, predator-like. "The timing, the day, the rumours." He took in a sharp breath as a revelation hit him, a brick wall against a racing car. "You were the one who started them. You were sabotaging our relationship right from the start!"

"Actually," he said through a lopsided smile, "I had a lot of luck with the rumours."

"You had  _ luck _ ," Dan repeated.

"It makes everything easier, Dan. Think. Think about it." Rob yet took another step and now his voice quietened, taking on a mysterious tone. "Phil is thought to be an abusive beast and not only were you seen with a bruise but a couple of people actually saw him jump on me."

"You  _ made  _ him-"

"True but still, the fact remains. And sometimes, what's imprinted into others' minds is much, much more important," he was whispering now.

"This won't work out because-"

"-because it's your word against mine? Well, not anymore, Dan. With your back-up and your testimony, everyone will believe us. We can sell them anything we want."

"We're talking about my  _ boyfriend _ , Rob," Dan emphasised. "And I, unlike you, don't betray my close friends."

"What would you do though. . ." Rob took something out of his pocket and straightened it up. ". . . If your beloved boyfriend. . ." He paused and gave him the sheet. Dan furrowed his brows as he held what turned out to be a photograph. His brows furrowed even more.

"What would you do," his ex-friend carried on, eyes locked with his, "if Phil turned out not to be such a saint?"

_ *** Pastel pagebreak flowers *** _

Dan had dialled his friend and left a few messages but with no effect. Still, he arrived at school early next day and lingered in front of the building in hopes of seeing familiar blue Mazda pull up into one of the parking lots. No such thing happened, though, and Dan shuffled his feet to the entrance, abandoned and unsure of what would greet him on the other side of the door.

Mayfield had a few quirks.

First, its name was often changed to Mayhell and about that Dan was sure. He still had the evidence of it in a form of hospital documentation from the day that turned his world upside down. But there was also a second matter which Dan grew to get used to - recognition and extra attention drawn to whoever was the current topic of rumours. 

So it struck him at least as odd that he wasn't bothered throughout the day, as if everyone forgot about his existence. Just a couple of people glanced his way but for the first time in his life, a strong observation didn't accompany it.

However freeing that may sound, Dan didn't feel at ease at all. In fact, he's never felt as dreadful as then. He moved through the halls like a ghost, avoiding people like a plague as he texted Phil once again and then read through his previous messages, biting his lip.

_ YESTERDAY _

_ r u ok? _

_ did you get suspended? _

_ what the headteacher said? _

_ TODAY _

_ Dude where r u _

_ school is so weird today. just call me when you read this _

_ Dan _

He wondered where Phil was. Was he grounded at home and that's why he couldn't answer and reply Dan's texts? He hoped not. Although his absence was suspicious, Dan hoped that he didn't get suspended.

"Dan! Hey, how's it going?"

His heart jumped and he spun round to the voice.

"Will!"

"Yep, that's me," the guy said with a cheer in his words as he looked at Dan. "Haven't seen you in Math yesterday. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I had- I didn't feel very well, to be fair and decided to wait it out at home."

It rolled off his tongue like a honeyed slice of bread and the new student ate it eagerly.

"Are you feeling better today? " Will asked, face scrunched with concern.

"Yeah, yeah," Dan coughed, rubbing the nape at his neck. "Actually, a ton of fresh memes and bed cured me."

Will laughed.

"I always suspected they had a medical purpose, too!"

Dan smiled.

"Know your memes well and they won't leave you high and dry," he joked and Will grinned.

"That's true, though. Anyway, are you free on Friday? I found this café and I'd love to test out their muffins. You up for it?"

"I'm not sure, I actually should sit down to this project and-"

"I promise it will be fun," Will cut in, white teeth glowing in a warm smile. "I mean, I can't assure you they'll taste good but I've heard they have an enormous offer of various coffee drinks and they serve some delicious ice-cream, as well."

Dan worried his lip between his teeth as Will looked on.

"I mean-" Dan began and carried off. 

He then thought of when was the last time he hung out with anybody just for the fun of it. It was so long ago that he had actual trouble to remember the date. But as he realised that it was surely yet during the  _ 'before Cheryl' _ phase, he stopped torturing his lip and answered.

"I  _ really  _ should finish that project," he emphasised and Will's smile faltered, "but an hour or two won't kill my schedule, I guess."

Will radiated with a grin. 

_ *** Pastel pagebreak flowers *** _

_ Did they suspend you? _

_ Dan _

He stared at the screen and played with a pencil in the other hand as he blocked out the Non-Human's rant about numbers and formulas. It was Thursday, the second day of radio silence from Phil. He should have gone to his house the other day but he didn't want to come off as clingy or needy. Not because of what Rob said about him but because that would seem clingy and needy and- Damnit, he just wanted to give the boy a chance of making contact and letting Dan know how things were.

Phil made no move, though. Dan didn't see him in school and neither PJ or Chris knew the reason.

"They suspended him," Chris gathered.

"They couldn't! It wasn't his fault-" Dan countered but his friend just snorted.

"Do you really believe they'll believe it?"

Dan chose not to answer and left for his classes.

Now, he tried not to worry about the consequences that Phil would have to face. But he couldn't stop thinking about him. The guy literally stood up for Dan in defence of his good name. Rob knew exactly which buttons to push to get a reaction out of his friend.

"Dan!" Will hissed and kicked him in the shin. Dan gritted his teeth at the pain and turned to stare at his deskmate.

"What?" he hissed back but instead of replying, Will took his phone away. "Hey!"

"Robot," he muttered as he hid the device in his pocket.

Not a second later Tod approached their desk.

"You two are having the time of your life, huh?"

"No, sir," they replied in unison and looked at each other.

"The Math's pretty interesting, though," Will added.

Tod scrunched up one eyebrow.

"Is that so? Then come to the blackboard and solve that equation for your classmates."

Will nodded and left his chair. Dan mouthed ' _ Sorry!' _ but the boy just flashed him a toothy grin as he followed Tod to the front of the class. Not without a reason because he came back in under two minutes, giving no satisfaction to Non-Human.

"Dude, are you a calculator?" Dan whispered when the boy sat back beside him.

Will smiled.

"I wish," he sighed and turned to his notebook.

Dan stared for a second before he glanced down at his desk, murmuring.

"Thanks, you know, for saving my ass. The Robot really hates me."

The corners of Will's lips raised.

"No problem. But now you do owe me a muffin taste test," he joked.

"I may be shit at Math but I'm a pro if it comes to muffin flavours. I'm in."

_ *** Pastel pagebreak flowers *** _

"You and Phil are good?" he heard from over the door. Dan merely hummed as his pencil continued to glide over the paper.

"I heard you and Rob fought yesterday. . ." The pencil faltered in his hand and his mum carried off.

Her clothes rustled as she moved farther into the room. The bed creaked as she sat on the edge of the mattress.

"Haven't seen him around since you started dating Phil," she said gently and Dan stared at the drawing he was working on, waiting for her further explanation.

"I've been thinking. . . maybe you shouldn't cut him out like that? I mean, it's great that you are happy with Phil but lately, I've had the impression that-"

She paused and Dan turned around in his chair.

"That what, mum?"

She looked down briefly.

"That maybe you're not happy anymore," she confessed and they watched each other, waiting until someone made the first move.

As an afterthought, Dan answered, "Phil is doing. . . great."

His mum moved closer. She wore a crooked smile.

"Sweetie, I get it that dating is an amazing thing but you can't just build your life around one person. You gotta have friends," she encouraged. "You shouldn't cut Rob out just because you and Phil-"

"Rob is  _ not  _ my friend," he spat out, maybe a little too harshly. "And I'd greatly appreciate it if you didn't let him in."

"But-"

" _ Mum. _ "

She sighed and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Okay, I won't ask anything but. . . just think twice before you state anything, alright? Before it's too late to undo the damage. Okay? Phil is a good person but Rob was there for you when you needed him. It's a shame to let it go like that."

He turned to the desk silently, teeth gritted and let her leave with no answer. Dan breathed out heavily as he nudged his drawing notebook and stared down at the picture. A sharp close-up of Cheryl embracing Phil.

Dan rubbed at his eyes and sighed, staring into the distance. He checked his phone one last time before he decided. He snatched the picture, pocketed his phone and put on the leather jacket on his way down the stairs.

_ *** Pastel pagebreak flowers *** _

He knocked hard on the wood and when that didn't work, he banged on the door. Dan ran a hand through his hair as he looked about, searching for any other way he could reach Phil's bedroom. He was just wondering how his friend had even managed to climb that ladder and not get killed in the process when he spotted some movement behind the semi-transparent window in the door.

Dan knocked on the door, lighter but feverishly.

"Phil?! Please, open up."

The figure moved away from the door and he knocked harder.

"Please, let's talk! I called and texted- did they suspend you? Was it-"

The door flung open and what saved him from earning a black eye was that it opened inwards.

He sighed and smiled.

"I really thought-" he froze, mid-sentence.

"What happened?"

Then, he guessed.

"Is this about Cheryl?"

And Phil, as if on cue, burst into tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you enjoyed this, down in the comments. Kudo and bookmark. Show some love, don't be icyyy  
> Happy Halloween!
> 
> Knock at my Tumblr and say hi: superasia8


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's skip the apologies for the wait :p  
> Merry Xmas

Dan hated crying. Moreover, he hated seeing people he cared about crying. When Phil opened the door, Dan knew something was up.

"What happened?" he instantly asked. His eyes roamed Phil's face in search of any hint.

His hair lived a life on its own, a bed hair but upgraded several times. Eyes bloodshot and puffy, clothes wrinkled as if he kept on wringing his hands out all the time. This was not Phil. Phil didn't do any of these things. Phil was the outgoing of them, the social one. A smile was his brand and although he wore black, Dan thought it to be more like a social statement or an irony he threw at the world. Today though, the mournful colour was not a contradiction.

"Is this about Cheryl?" he asked bluntly.

The blue eyes turned even sadder and Phil sniffled a few times. A second later there was a stream of equally heart-wrenching tears running down his cheeks.

"Oh, Phil. . ." Dan murmured, took the boy in his arms, kicking the door closed with his foot as they both stumbled inside.

Dan hadn't been that close with Phil since a light year but he shoved that thought deep down. His heart still throbbed but now it also took on a quicker pace.

"Phil. . ." he whispered gently.

The boy shuddered. Dan felt when the tremors grew and Phil slid to the ground, Dan right after his friend.

Phil clung to him and Dan rubbed his back. The idiom of a shoulder to cry on turned literal. He meant to share that joke with Phil but then more sobs shuddered his friend and Dan dropped the idea.

"It's okay, Phil," he soothed.

That's when Phil wailed and Dan's heart broke into pieces. He waited patiently as his friend let his feelings, his sadness out. Dan was there but he felt like it wasn't enough. Rubbing Phil's back, assuring that this wasn't the end of the world, that he knew how much it hurt and that he wished he could put a band-aid over wherever it hurt.

"It will get easier. I swear."

Phil untangled from his arms. He was hugging himself, maybe unconsciously, and the puffy eyes fixed on the floor.

"Dan, I-" he mumbled, voice croaky as if he hadn't used it for a while. "This isn't- It's not-"

"It's okay, Phil, I get it," he gently whispered but Phil shook his head.

The next words made him rethink the universe.

"It's my dad. He's in the hospital. It's cancer. They-" He took in a breath like his world was crumbling and Dan realised it very much was.

Phil looked at their linked hands. Dan felt them shake again.

"Malignant," he finished and Dan swallowed hard.

Hopeless eyes crossed with still brown irises.

Then, the statue regained its voice and brain enough that Dan stuttered out.

"I'm so fucking sorry."

Phil smiled, a fresh trail of tears coming up. Dan froze. He wanted to bring him closer. He shouldn't.

He still did.

With a thought 'fuck it' he squeezed Phil's hand. His hair tickled Dan's chin as Phil rested his forehead against Dan's chest. Within seconds sobs quivered his shoulders and Dan held him close, determined not to let go.

"I'm so sorry, Phil. I'm so fucking sorry," he whispered, his friend gripping his shirt as his soul cried saddening tones.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

"Sorry I didn't call back," Phil murmured against the blanket. Dan patted his shoulder once, wincing at the awkwardness the gesture brought. His confidence fled the scene when they left that spot on the floor and moved to Phil's room.

"You've got no reason to. I get it. I really do."

Phil breathed in shakily.

The material they cuddled under was much too small to cover one person, let alone both of them. They huddled together, still, knee against knee, shoulder against shoulder. Personal space? It may have existed but not in their universe.

"When did you find out? About your dad?"

"Before that prick decided to call you out," his friend growled in response and Dan almost rushed in to explain but decided against it. Phil had enough trouble as it was. The villanious scheme that Rob wanted to bring into life needn't be his worry. The world should stop in moments like this.

Phil glanced down at his hands, fingers clenching and unclenching.

"We've known for a while. Me and mum. But shit hit the fan just a couple days ago."

"The day Rob coaxed you into punching him?" Dan guessed, voice gentle as if not to destroy the silence around them.

"Anyway, the asshole totally deserved that," Phil said without remorse. "Although it was stupid to go at him like that. I should've waited till he was somewhere less crowded and then-"

"Hey!" Dan cut in, nudging him lightly. "Dicks will always be dicks. Not worth going into trouble because of one."

Phil laughed and shook his head. He leant back against the wall, eyes closed.

"I did fuck up, didn't I?" he murmured. "How bad was it at school? Anyone bothered you?"

He did a quick scrutiny of what amount of Dan he could see and Dan smiled in reassurance.

"I should have been there."

"No, it's okay, Phil. It wasn't bad. It was. . . good, in fact."

"Good was weird?"

Dan raised an eyebrow.

"And when was the last time that weird meant anything good?"

"What you mean is, good meant anything good," Phil corrected and Dan nudged him.

"Oh, shut up. You focus on the little bits when only the meaning is important."

"Yeah, okay, I believe you," Phil promised and held up his pinky finger. Dan shook his head.

"I can't take you seriously," he confessed. Then, he asked, "Did you get suspended? What happened after that fight? Tod didn't let me wait for you."

"Well," Phil said very diplomatically. "I didn't and neither did Rob. Just a reminder to be nice, do my homework and so on. They brushed us off." He turned toward Dan. "What about you, though?"

"What about me?" Dan echoed.

"How are you? Have you had one of those. . . attacks again?"

Dan shook his head.

"I'm good. I told you; a one-time thing. Will never happen again," he guaranteed.

"How did your mum take it?"

Dan grimaced.

"She got home late and- I just didn't want to keep her awake any longer," he lied in the lamest fashion possible.

"Do you want me to be there with you during the conversation? I can-"

"-No, no, that's unnecessary. I can handle it on my own."

"Are you sure? I can always go to yours and-"

"- _Yes._ "

Not sure at all but Dan didn't want to throw any more worries on Phil's plate. It was already overfilled.

"Oh. . . Okay," a pause. "Just know, you can always talk to me."

"I'll bear that in mind. Phil? What about you and. . ?"

He didn't finish, let the words dangle in the air and do the job for him. Phil breathed in and out.

"We- I haven't seen her for a while." He looked at his hands and Dan bit his lip.

Except for that time in the cafe a few days earlier. He decided knowing about a lie could hurt as much as finding out about it later on.

"What are you gonna do about it?"

"I don't know," Phil whispered.

"But you are going to talk to her about it, aren't you?"

"I don't know!" his friend cried out, chest heaving and Dan felt bad. "Do we have to- just- bring this up right now?"

Dan shrunk and shook his head.

"If you don't want to-"

"God, of course not!" Phil snapped. "How- why- just-" he paused and took a breath.

"I'm sorry," Dan mumbled, ready for a full outburst, head down.

He thought back to a few days earlier. How much anger there was in Phil's eyes. How he didn't look like himself.

"I'm sorry, too," Phil said in a broken voice. "I shouldn't have- I should be a better friend and-"

"-You're the best friend I never had," Dan cut in quietly. They looked at each other, equally wide-eyed. And then down at their linked hands.

"I like you, too, Dan," Phil admitted.

Before he could think it through, they moved closer and the distance between them closed to zero. All that was left was the space between their lips and the air they undoubtedly shared. It was like breathing through an air mask but so much better. This was not dangerous but refreshing like a cool breeze left after a dark and damaging force of a storm. Dan was like a phone set to charge and just now began to realise for how long he'd been running on low battery.

But then, not even a whole second later, the clouds hid the sun, the wind grew in strength and took all the happiness with them.

"This is wrong," he said. Phil said.

Phil.

Dan scooted away, looking everywhere but at him, untangling from the blanket, feeling as if a character from a movie; splashed in the face with wine.

Dan got splashed with rejection.

Appropriate stain remover hasn't been invented yet.

"I- this is- we shouldn't have-"

Dan held up his hand, eyes tightly shut, facing the floor.

"Don't. Just- don't speak," he choked up and breathed in and out.

Downstairs, doors opened and two female voices chattered, both nothing more than a whisper.

"Dan, I-"

Dan took a step backwards, refusing to look, refusing to listen.

"No. Don't- I shouldn't have, I get it. It's my fault. It's normal. It's cool. I-"

The door to Phi's room opened.

"Philly! Oh, baby, why haven't you told me when we met this week?" Cheryl barged in, worried for her boyfriend, nudging Dan away as she passed him as if he didn't exist. Phil grimaced, eyes still fixed on Dan. He averted the boring gaze.

"I'll- I'll go. Just- Call me or whatever."

Cheryl didn't listen or didn't hear. Dan did not care. His presence seemed to have gone unnoticed. Dan left silently. No one bothered him.

It was the first time he wished someone did.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

_Let me explain_

Dan stared at the message, shaking his head as if Phil could see him.

"Dan! Hey!" Will called out from afar as he noticed Dan across the hall and walked up to him.

Dan gave a tight-lipped smile, doing his best to appear happy. Seem okay.

"What's wrong?" the student asked, eyebrows scrunched up together, eyes too attentive.

"Robot had me down," he muttered. Will didn't push on.

"Alright, but if you need anything, another pair of ears or something, let me know. We can tape a picture of his face and train darts if you want to."

Dan smiled.

"Thanks, I appreciate it. I have a class now so. . ." he carried off and gestured in the direction he had to go to.

Will nodded understandingly.

"Of course, see you in Math, then!"

The boy left and Dan sighed as he opened his locker and a few books spilt out.

"Damnit," he muttered and picked them up, one by one, all possible aspiration for his class vaporating with the flick of his fingers or rather - a fall of his books.

He gathered the needed books, packed his bag and set in the direction of the classroom. Ten feet he walked until he spun on his heel and trudged in the opposite direction.

"Dan! Wait!"

He ignored the familiar voice as he manoeuvred between students, hoping to put as much distance between Phil and him as possible. He turned a corner, losing himself in the shapeless mass which breathed like a cooperative body, moved like a ship with wireless but flawless communication.

Dan looked behind but kept on walking even though the black mop of hair was not following him anymore.

It seemed he wouldn't make it to his class. Maybe the fallen books were a bad sign. Or just a perfect visualisation of his messiness. If a locker could be a representation of one's mind, his symbolised the state of his thoughts to a T.

_*** Pastel pagebreak flowers ***_

It was all the same. Once again.

Sometimes he wondered what it'd be like to be a machine. Must be sweet. Functioning with the knowledge that somewhere out there, there was somebody specialised in fixing his model. One who had the skills and knew how to replace all of the broken pieces of him. Someone who would do it efficiently, without causing damage to the still cooperative parts.

Some blame for the mess, if not all, was on him and Dan wasn't going to deny it. He was the one to have agreed; he threw himself in front of the jaws of the shark; as if having floated on the surface in an area he knew was risky. Deep water. He would drown in his own carelessness because he could not, for all he tried, control his emotions and they were fucking him up. But then machines could--

_Reset_

And maybe it would be easier. Keeping the system in control was their main goal, after all. There was an assistance programme if anything. Dan didn't have one or must have deleted it.

_Reboot_

If he was a machine, any kind, he'd say a virus had infected the system. Tearing it apart from the inside, the malfunctions were barely visible; that is - at first glance. But when combined, one would discover there were only a few parts working properly at that stage. The rest was enshrouded but if anyone took a closer look, it would become known fast that the wheels stopped spinning long ago.

_Restart_

Was all he needed.

At this point, Dan was sure of nothing. Was their fake relationship just a pretend or was he the one pretending it to be a fake pretend; he could not tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is getting messier, I know but the end is more in sight than not
> 
> Knock on my Tumblr and say hi: superasia8


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Came back from the creativity death to present you this chapter.

The rays of sunshine bathed his face, the birds’ little stomachs sang out their cheerful notes. Dan couldn’t relate to them although he did try. Listening to Will, laughing at his jokes, engaging in the conversation. His attention kept flicking back to Phil no matter what. And back to their conversation. And the moment when their lips almost touched, when he was just about to get what he’d been waiting for for so long.

"Peanut, chocolate or raisins?"

Dan blinked and looked at Will. His eyes scanned the menu but he glanced up at Dan, waiting.

"Dan?'

"Unless you want me dead, no raisins. Bad allergy," he muttered when Will frowned at him.

"Oh, no worries! I don’t plan on it. What about blueberries?"

Dan agreed and the boy grinned. Before Dan could offer splitting the bill, Will was already by the counter and giving their order. Dan wanted to make it clear when Will came back to their table.

"Will, you don't have to-"

"Don't mention it, it's me who asked you out. I mean-" he stumbled over the next words, "-If you want to. If that's okay."

Dan didn't feel like himself. His mouth worked on its own accord.

"It's okay. It's cool."

And Will smiled and Dan smiled, too, but there was something bitter growing in his heart.

_*** Pastel_ _page break_ _flowers ***_

Dan always thought he was good at hiding. It's been days and Andrew, the Kicker, hadn't caught up to him and it's been weeks since the weird encounter with the group of bullies had taken place. But it has only been a day since he miraculously dodged Phil and managed to escape from the talk he knew the ending of. A day and that was all.

Smart Phil knew where to stand this time; by the locker. He also knew Dan couldn't back away from that location unless he hid books in his buttho-

"Dan, I want to talk with you."

Dan opened his locker. His mind was blank for that moment but he rummaged through his stuff anyway. He kept up the pretend – as they used to do – until it seemed too obvious and Dan sighed pointedly. He turned towards the boy and shrugged indifferently.

"Alright, whatever.”

Phil raised an eyebrow.

“Could we go somewhere private?”

“Why,” he asked through gritted teeth, “because what you’re about to say will put our lovely relationship into question?” he sneered, gathering the books into his bag.

“Do you really have to do this?”

“What do you mean? I’m doing nothing that we haven’t done before like-”

“-acting stupid? I can’t really recall us doing that,” Phil retorted and Dan smirked as he looked into his eyes.

“Right, because it was all wise ideas and thoughtful decisions.”

He then saw something new and interesting in the blues; defeat. But has defeat ever lived solitarily? He was pissed, truth, but he would never stomp on a flower which has just began to release its buds.

“Okay, where do you want to go and have this talk or whatever?” he asked and Phil gazed at him but nothing clued Dan in on his thoughts.

“The classroom?”

_*** Pastel_ _page break_ _flowers ***_

“The audience is listening then,” Dan made sure to keep his voice a mockery and to give a little bow in Phil’s direction. Phil shook his head and sighed.

“This is wrong,” he said once again.

Dan cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes.

“Boring. You’re repeating yourself.”

His friend – friend? – stepped forward, the dust rising up into the air as he did so. Drama it was but in reality that classroom needed a good clean and needed it badly.

Phil regarded him carefully but kept his distance and Dan waited, acting as if air wasn’t a necessity.

“It’s wrong to do this in such a way,” Phil said.

Dan glared. Then, he mentally slapped himself as his brain functions came back.

“Oh right, the Shippers and school-”

“Dan-”

“-they obviously think we’re together when we are definitely _not_ -” he snorted.

“ _-Dan_.”

“-I’d say it’s about time someone makes up their bloody mind!”

Phil stopped just in front of him and it took Dan a second to realise he has moved somehow. His fingertips hesitated, barely making any contact with Dan’s hand and Dan looked down and back into the blues he was willing to drown in once.

“I agree,” he said. Phil said.

Phil.

“What are you on about?”

He didn’t dare suspect his suspicions to turn true.

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Nothing ever is between the two of us,” Dan countered.

Phil’s fingers now traced along the side of Dan’s hand. Not hesitant anymore. Just waiting and Dan snatched his hand away because the tender touch was burning. Phil didn’t pull back or urge him, his palm open; inviting and waiting.

“How can I know this isn’t for show?” Dan mumbled.

“Have you done anything like that yourself, Dan?”

“Have _you_ , Phil?”

They stared, not down, but measuring each other.

“Can you give me a chance?”

“You’re not mine,” Dan blurted out and cringed at how old-fashioned it sounded.

“I’m nobody’s.”

“You should be someone’s.”

Phil lifted an eyebrow at that.

“Is that you flirting at me or is this sarcasm?”

Dan glanced down, smirking.

“Take it as you wish.”

“You know what I want.”

Phil touched his hand and this time, Dan let him. He decided his system must have already crashed sentences earlier. Warm fingertips brushed against the inside of his palm and Dan took in a shuddering breath.

“Is this what you really want? You have a girlfriend, _Phil_ ,” he tried to stress that matter but Phil only gripped his hand firmly but not forcibly.

“Not anymore.”

“I’ve heard that line somewhere,” Dan pointed out and Phil winced at his choice of words.

“I know and I’m sorry. Really am,” he paused. “We parted ways. We should have done that ages ago. Would save us all the brooding. It’s best for everyone.”

“Did she admit to _the other one_?” Dan asked, fingers as if backing away from the hold but he knew he wouldn’t let go.

Phil bit his lip, looked away and shook his head.

“It doesn’t matter.”

Dan rolled his eyes.

“Dan, please,” he spoke gently, in such a calm that Dan envied him.

He crossed his arms as Phil carried on.

“I know this is messed up. It shouldn’t have ended like this. I made big mistakes, I know, but-” he paused and Dan thought back to the ones he made himself. “But we could- try and- I want to make it up to you. And I will. I just need. . .” Phil glanced up, let out a breath, and looked at Dan, “I need you to let me. Please.”

“Phil, I can’t just- you can’t just expect me to accept all this and- You have- _had_ a girlfriend, Phil,” he recalled, “-and all this time I-” he cut himself short and brought his arms closely to his chest.

He felt naked. More naked than he ever did and he was wearing clothes.

Phil took a step forward but faltered.

“Back in time- it felt different. I didn’t see any other choice.”

“Like telling me? We were supposed to be partners in crime, for God’s sake.”

He didn’t shout but it still felt like it. He uncrossed and crossed his arms. It was driving him mad for all these weeks but getting it off of his chest didn’t help. He felt as if someone had thrown him into another universe and he couldn't get used to it.

“I didn't know it would end up like this. I thought that I could. . .” Phil faltered, “that maybe if I just-” he stopped and took in a breath. He shrugged. “I just wanted to protect you and I was afraid of what Cheryl could do.”

“Wait,” Dan backtracked, blinking as he went over what he’s heard. “Are you telling me _this_ has been going since Cheryl showed up?” Phil hung down his head. “And you hadn’t the guts to fucking tell me?”

“I tried but you seemed-”

“Oh, enough of that! That’s it. I’m out. This is too much, I just-” he balled his fist and shook his head.

He thought of a thing to say, to sum it all up but it became clear what he wanted right now. To cross the door and not look back. He turned to the exit but Phil’s voice dragged him back.

“I never led you on, Dan. I never meant to.”

Dan sighed and grumbled,

“What else do you want from me.”

“A week. If you still feel indifferent towards _us_ by the end of the week, I’ll never try to reach out to you again.”

Dan shrugged.

“Do you really believe we can make it?” he asked quietly. “After all this?”

Phil looked at him, and truly focused his eyes on Dan this time.

“I’m done with pretending not to realise what you mean to me.”

Dan nodded, finding he didn’t even know what to think of the words.

“Yeah, I think a week would be nice. For _both_ of us to rethink this.”

_*** Pastel_ _page break_ _flowers ***_

Dan sipped on his coffee, chin leaning on his hand. Will was a good speaker. His language was sometimes too elastic and Dan had to think through the words before they made sense to him. His stories were intriguing and Dan could hardly believe that he could relate to someone on such a big level.

Throughout his school career he met a lot people who mastered the oral skills but their ear most often was a closed vault. It put him off quickly because as much as he liked to listen to people’s opinions, he liked to voice his own, as well. Will presented a nice contradiction for he made an excellent listener, too.

And sometimes his listening or deductive skills would be too developed.

“What’s up? Phil’s up, right?”

Dan blinked over at Will as he stirred his cappuccino.

“As your friend I’m obliged to give you guidance through all the hardships of life,” he said with a shrug. Yeah, obvious to that guy.

“Dude, that sounds-” Dan winced, trying to put it anyhow. “-weird. Definitely weird,” he mumbled and Will grinned. Dan smiled lightly. “Everything’s good, it’s-”

“-Fucked up, isn’t it?”

Dan took a slow sip of his drink, once again amazed by how quickly they found language to share. He played with his mug.

“He wants a second chance.”

“And. . ?” Will prompted. There was already a smile on his face and Dan really hated Will for it.

“Get together.”

“And? You told him you like him, too?” Dan simply sipped some more and glanced out the window, letting the silence speak for him.

Will frowned.

“You didn’t give him a single clue that you do.”

Dan put his hands on the mug and stared into it, the remaining liquid an abyss of his future.

“I don’t know anymore. I don’t see it.”

“Why? You were straight with me and know what, it made sense to me afterwards. The level of attachment you feel. The loyalty.”

“I didn’t want to play with your feelings,” he mumbled.

“Yeah and look, here we are, and I’m still talking to you. Even though you turned me down.”

“That’s- different.”

Will rolled his eyes, an uncommon thing for him to do.

“Absurd. It’s not. It’s the same. But you don’t want to see it.”

“See what?”

Will let out an exasperated sigh and looked at him pointedly.

“That even though you did fuck up a little, I still might like you. As a friend. Because truth be told, people fuck up all the time but does that make them any less of the human they are?”

“I am kind of a dick, though.”

“You’re still the guy I like talking to. Though friends is all you want to do, that doesn’t mean you’re uninteresting.”

“Will, that doesn’t apply to me and Phil.”

“Who are you trying to trick?”

“This is ridiculous.”

Will shot him a glance and carried on.

“It’s logic. What did you think of when he confessed?”

Dan gave a significant sigh and muttered,

“That I should be happy. Better sooner than never but-” he thought back to the day. “I was just- empty. I knew I should be angry and hurt but I don’t think I felt that.”

“Tired,” he added after a while. “I felt tired because hearing it after such a long time was exhausting. Like I reached some inevitable and had no way of return.”

“You like him, don’t ya?”

“I don’t know how to come to terms with the- with everything. I wish he had told me sooner,” he admitted quietly.

“Well, it cuts both ways.”

Dan grimaced and looked away at other tables. True. He could’ve told about his irrelevant feelings earlier but what if Phil didn’t feel the same? Or hadn’t yet realised he did? And why was he giving himself questions like that; did new Dan care what Phil from the past could be thinking?

Why did he always had to feel like he was the one screwing things up?

“I’d say,” Will started and Dan looked at him, “when you’re finally making that decision, bear in mind that what you think may be good now, you could think of as regret later.”

Dan sighed. As if he hadn’t known that already.

“And I’m not convincing you to go get him, just you know. But I do know some about regret and, man, does it bite in the ass later.”

Dan nodded, took a sip of his coffee, and his nose crinkled at the aftertaste of the cold beverage. He glanced around other patrons and wished to be able to hung out as comfortably as them. His head felt a mess, though and Dan couldn’t just sit and just sip a cappuccino. Just talk about the weather and just share silly little stories.

“Dude, really?”

Dan turned back to Will; he was peeking over at someone and Dan held back from looking.

“Admit that you turn glances wherever you go. You should have told me sooner. I’d dress better,” he said and Dan glanced at him questioningly.

“A table. Far end. A blonde and- Oh, I think she’s standing up- wait, she’s-”

Dan turned perfectly in time to meet face to face with no one else but Cheryl. Sweet cacophony of agony. And there was Rick trailing behind, unsure as hell, no doubt, and seemingly out of his comfort zone.

They regarded each other and nodded in a silent agreement. Neither of them wanted the school to know their secrets.

“Dan, I must say you disappointed me very much,” Cheryl said as a means of greeting. She glanced between him and Will, their empty mugs, and her eyebrow lifted a little. “After all what Phil has done for you, I thought you’d finally appreciate it. But you don’t get it, I see.”

Dan rolled his eyes, not bothering to explain any of it to Cheryl. The ex-girlfriend – oh, how delicious sounds the word left on his tongue – she wasn’t a saint but neither was Phil. Dan still didn’t process _that_ , leaving the problem for later.

“I can only hope he sees through you,” she said, gave him an icy stare for the silent response, grabbed Rick’s hand, and led them both out of the café.

“That’s some decent drama,” Will commented quietly.

“Tell me about it,” Dan mumbled as he stared after the two through the front window.

“You won’t explain it to her, will you?”

“Nope,” Dan said, stressing the _‘p’_. “She wouldn’t understand.”

“But Phil will listen to her misinterpretation.”

Dan bit his lip. He would or wouldn’t. A fifty-fifty.

“I don’t mean to get in between you two, but that’s one drama less,” Will remarked reasonably.

They decided it was enough of caffeine for the day. Dan sighed as Will held the door for him and they both exited the café of too many following eyes.

“I _know_ , Will,” Dan picked up the topic. “But it’d be funny to watch _him_ get jealous for once.”

Will nudged him playfully.

“Don’t feel too sure. It may end dirty.”

“How do they say? His loss, your gain,” Dan winked and Will chuckled, shaking his head.

They walked some in silence.

“You still mad?” Dan asked, trudging slowly beside.

“What? Why- oh. . . Oh!” Will thought for a second. “Not really, no.”

“But. . . ?”

“Nothing. That’s all. I mean- that's a shame but I’m just glad it came out sooner than later,” he admitted.

“I’m still sorry,” Dan said.

“That’s okay.”

“Tell you something. Let me make it up to you. Friday, muffins on me, what do you say?”

Will smiled a real smile and Dan sighed mentally. Maybe things would work out.

_*** Pastel_ _page break_ _flowers ***_

The halls remained silent excerpt his shoes pattered against the floor. The polished floor shined whenever the sun blessed it with golden rays and Dan squinted whenever that happened.

Dan felt at peace and the feeling was strange. Nothing good meant good in their universe. It was hard to believe himself – with the misunderstandings between him and Phil not solved yet – but somehow his mind was in the state of calm.

He was secretly glad Phil asked for time. The words he could have said that day would frighten even the biggest blasphemer to have walked the earth. But now he could see it. His mind clearer, he kind of understood Phil. Hell, the boy wasn’t the only chicken in the pasture.

The idea of _them_ again was exciting. And frightening. It was funny how trying could terrify as much as failure itself. And his idea of them grew lesser in his eyes the more he thought about it. The possibility of a relationship. Of a straight up, true one: no feigned words, no motions for an act. Could they survive the normalcy? The mess they’ve both layered and layered over the weeks. A quick sweep wouldn’t do. Not for a long span of time. Not if they truly wanted it to work, _them_ to be a thing.

Could they ever go back to the start? The shared space, sweet words, newfound intimacy felt strange, dangerous but easy to explore. It was fascinating then. Fresh. Now Dan had trouble imagining a simple conversation between them and it scared him as nothing else did. Words put into unknown codes, a specific language they shared once which they seemed to forget. Dan feared he wouldn’t be able to remember it.

Nothing was simple. Dan knew it, he wasn’t foolish to believe that everything would change immediately and that they would start from the scratch. Anew. They couldn’t – it was logic speaking. But mind whispered possibilities. May’s and might’s. And Dan tried not to hear them. Their murmur carried on, though – as he sat through Tod’s classes, during lunch breaks as PJ glanced between him and Phil, and the only thing they shared was silence. The sound intensified when he was alone. It always did.

It never ceased to amaze him how big of a sadomasochistic people could be. Among them he could be the leader. And the closer it came to the week passing by, the more he believed he would make a nice one.

He really wanted to do this to himself and a part of him didn’t believe it, part of him did. And encouraged him to go on. And tell Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a ride, huh.  
> Saddening it’s coming to an end :O
> 
> Knock on my Tumblr and say hi to me: superasia8


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you ever feel like you don’t know what to say? That’s often my thought when writing these notes. Our culture makes us think we have to make every word count and sometimes I take this too seriously. I’ll be writing to realise somewhere along the way that this may be too long. Isn’t that scandalous of me?  
> But you know what?  
> Screw the rules, who needs them? and that’s how we come here, to this chapter consisting of almost 4k words.  
> Also, today is International Fanworks Day. Happy creating and reading.

His day got off to a good start. Kitchen cupboard held the last portion of his favourite cereal for breakfast, his outfit was on fleek, and he wasn’t late for his bus. What’s more, Dan was beginning to like the sound of a real relationship between Phil and him. He would smile whenever Will made up a joke and the world just seemed like a better place to live in. Dan thought he’d never live up to a moment when he could say, without a doubt, that he was good. But there he was. What surprised him most was that he did so without a hint of sarcasm – that was saying something.

Dan believed they would make it through. With ups and downs but eventually they would fix what has broken down. With Phil on his side, nothing was impossible.

He made up his mind and his lips were itching to tell Phil about it. As it turned out, the school has finally passed the news about his and Rob’s fight and Phil’s mum decided she had to set some boundaries – dad’s condition aside. Dan understood; his mum would do similar things, too, but it didn’t fail to piss him yet. It sucked when in the moment he desperately needed to contact Phil all he could do was send messages the boy wouldn’t even read in the near future. He may as well wait till he would see him on Monday.

Students swarmed out of the classrooms, Dan following suit as the bell rang and he made his way over to his first class that day. He didn’t walk far, though. He was about to take the stairs when a few students passed him quickly. Dan caught himself from tripping in the last second and he turned to call them out on their carelessness but they were off as fast as they came. Dan rolled his eyes and carried on.

Dan hoped Tod gave up on calling him to the whiteboard. He might soon owe Will too many favours, never being able to repay them all. He mounted the stairs with a thought of wanting to be anywhere else than attending Math when something tugged at his arm.

“What the-”

“You’re the Dan, right?” a scrawny boy in front of him didn’t wait for his response, he grasped his hand and led him further up. “Your friend- he’s-”

“He’s what? What happened?”

“It’s bad,” he just said and Dan’s heart squeezed in uneasiness.

He followed the boy through long halls, and every next turn made him think of the school as a rat maze. The messenger led him on and Dan had a distant thought that they were putting more and more distance between the part of the school teachers walked and the part that was left mostly empty and out-of-use due to the students’ number lessening in the recent years.

Their shoes slapped against the floor but Dan still had the inkling that they were too slow, too rubbish. Then the younger boy outran him and Dan was left behind, trying to catch up. The figure disappeared behind doors to his right. Dan made it to the door with the last ounce of his energy.

The room turned out to be surprisingly huge for an abandoned classroom. Abandoned and unlocked. Empty bookcases adorned every corner and ran through the middle of the room in lines. Ears ringing, Dan scanned the room, dusty surfaces, and searched for his guide.

“Here!”

It came from an unknown direction of the room. Dan swallowed thickly and manoeuvred between the shelves, relying on his instinct.

“Where are you? Phil?”

He heard an accumulation of sounds but before he could turn around, react, _realise_ , something strong grabbed both of his arms. He struggled. He didn’t recognise the two guys and his stomach sank. They forced him further into the room. The moment it struck him how far away he was and that no one could hear them, he tried to yank his arms out of their grip but it was a fruitless attempt.

“Where’s Phil?”

Someone held down his head and Dan gritted his teeth. He was so not used to being manhandled.

“Who?” a voice – mocking surprise – asked and Dan shut his eyes. He knew this voice. It still haunted his dreams.

“Andrew Smith,” he sneered and groaned when another pair of hands roughly pulled his hair back, using much more strength than necessary.

He stared into the hateful eyes of his former bully. The leader kneeled, down to his eye-level.

“I’ve been wanting to meet you since a while now.”

Dan chuckled dryly.

“Since you’ve kicked my ass? Because the only way you can gain power is within a group, huh?”

Andrew’s eyes narrowed. He stood up but within a second he landed a blow to his stomach that made his eyes water. Dan’s knees buckled and he was curling in on himself instinctively and in pain but the little minions of the Kicker held him up.

Bravado. Fuck. He’d forgotten it didn’t pay back in the long run. Or, _how_ exactly it paid back.

Dan took in small breaths and raised his head to face the leader. He knew what to do. Buy some time for them both and hope the kid got away before it got too hot. Hopefully he’d call help. Otherwise he and Phil were screwed.

“Where’s Phil?” he spat out.

The two guys standing by Andrew’s side laughed and Smith smiled somewhat, too.

“What did you do to him?” No one answered so Dan struggled aggressively. “Where is he?! What the fuck did you do?”

Smith didn’t answer, instead he nodded at somebody out of his peripheral vision. He heard a struggle but before he could understand, they were pushing someone in front of Smith. A little lanky. Small. Dan knew those quick legs. The kid.

“Hey, leave him be, alright?”

Smith snorted, glancing around his ‘people’. Everyone shared a laugh. He wished someone let him in on the joke for he had little to be fucking happy about.

“Where is Phil?” he repeated sternly, his muscles aching from being held at an awkward angle.

The Kicker – who sent him to a weekend trip in his bathroom – now looked down at him sympathetically for some reason.

“You really don’t get it, don’t you?” he asked in wonder, his lips turned in a grimace. His voice turned dark. “Enough of the foreplay.”

It happened fast. One second his blood was slowly being cut off by the way they held his arms and the next, his arms were free, they pushed him up against a wall and something cold was touching his neck.

“Jesus, what are you doing?”

Surprisingly, he wasn’t the one to shout. Later on, he thought he was too shocked. It wasn’t just another day for him to find that a knife rested against his throat. But it did and Dan had to resist the enormous urge to push backwards, forwards, anywhere, provided it was as far from the deadly object as possible.

His ears rang and his heart shot out countless beats a second. He swallowed and the sharp edge moved just a tad closer, its end sending a shiver down his back. Dan didn’t hear for a second or two, the world stopped for a second. He was hypnotised for a moment until everything snapped back into motion.

“-only wanted to scare him. . .” the figure babbled as Andrew rolled his eyes.

“We’re not exactly besties here. Who the fuck recommended that kid?” he barked and someone mumbled an answer. The Kicker winced. “Just get him off my eyes and- do whatever. Rehabilitate.”

Dan glanced to the side at the boy. The boy who led him here. Jesus. Dan shut his eyes and took a breath.

“Where’s Phil?” he asked but his voice shook and he stumbled on his words.

“None of your concern. You’re in trouble, fuck up. Big fat trouble.” He emphasised it by pressing the tip closer to his skin. The metal burnt with the possibility of danger.

His arms have already surrendered. Dan tried to back away even further but unless he could go through objects, there was nothing he could do but remain submissive and motionless.

“What do you want,” he managed out, careful not to move too much. Or at all, for that matter.

A smile appeared on his oppressor's face.

“Ah, now we're talking!” He looked to the side, munching on his lip, blond hair sticking in every direction. “Right, well we don't ask for much if you look at the price we offer,” he said and suggestively pressed the blade harder.

Dan jerked back but Smith luckily pushed the knife away. For once, he was thankful for something the guy did and Dan breathed shakily.

“What is it,” he asked because at this point? There was nothing he could do, no way he could come out of this alive if not by playing their game.

Andrew grinned and he leaned forward.

“You and Lester. Game over.”

Dan's eyes widened and he instantly shook his head when he understood.

“No, you're crazy, I won't, I-- fuck!”

Andrew drove the blade over his arm, slowly, and Dan gritted his teeth.

“Watch your words,” the Kicker ordered.

Dan felt like passing out from the sheer stress would be a damn pleasure right then. Or one way ticket, considering how close Andrew held the knife to his neck. The blood trickled lazily and Dan wished his stupid fucking luck that Andrew wouldn't cut an artery. Or something else he might need. A man never knew how much fingers is a must-have. Or arms.

“The deal is on?”

Dan jerked back when Andrew pressed the blade right above his arm and the tip teased against the wound he’d just inflicted. Dan flinched in pain when it brushed against the cut.

That made it. Andrew Smith was a fucking maniac.

“I need time,” he blurted out and that drew the attention away from Dan's arm. He really liked that one. Never fancied over the other but it was nice having arms that worked. Two arms.

“So it looks real,” he added when the guy stared at him.

“You think I'm stupid?” Dan's heart stopped. “I've heard you've been having _problems_ ,” he said mockingly, “whatever problems your _kind_ can have. The fuck you need time when you got trouble in paradise already?”

“Rumours,” he mumbled and shut his eyes.

He needed time. He needed to tell Phil that-

“Huh,” the Kicker said. “Whatever, I see that other fuck up with you on Monday, you're gone, got it? And I'll make sure he gets a matching tattoo, too. What's more, I'll make it grandeur.”

Dan stared at him but nodded nonetheless. Andrew stared him down, cut him once more before he let him go, pushing him to the side.

“And remember, we will be watching you,” he reminded as Dan massaged his joints and stumbling a bit, stood up. He didn’t want to feel so hopeless.

“There are more of us,” the Kicker said and only then did Dan recognise some of the faces. Still, the surprise was worth every penny when among the students he spotted Bulky from whom he managed to run once. A team-up? This was the worst case scenario.

“Don’t do anything stupid,” Andrew punctuated with a suggestive shake of his knife.

The bunch of students left and Dan was both amazed and afraid of the number of the students. He knew there was no way he would tell Phil unless he wanted both of them to end up dead.

_*** pastel page break flowers ***_

Dan stared numbly at Tod. Nothing reached his ears. Dan knew he should have been listening or else sitting here had no point but every word and sentence slipped past his notice.

He saw them everywhere. In the library, on his way to his next class, in some of the classes he shared with PJ & Chris, hell- even here in Math, there was someone watching him. On the lookout. Ready to report anything strange and send a message to Andrew or the Bulky or the whole fucked up crew of bullies, for all he knew. The simplest text. A yes. To harm Phil.

In a course of one day, they infected his whole life and were able to destroy it to such an extent. One fucking day.

“You alright?” Will asked from beside and it reminded Dan that they were still in class. Dan attempted a smile and nodded.

Will gave an unimpressed look.

“You sure? You’ve been spaced out since the start of the class.”

Dan looked down at the blank page of his notebook and blinked. Shit.

“I’m fine, just started a new series yesterday and it went downhill.”

Downhill as things could go. Why had he not told Phil earlier? What was he waiting for? Somebody to ruin his life?

Will scrutinized him and Dan knew he didn’t buy it, not anymore. The class ended shortly and Dan sprung from his seat, determined to get out as the first one. He couldn’t face Will and lie.

“Howell? You shall stay after the class, please,” Tod said, loud and clear, and Dan couldn’t pretend he didn’t hear.

He waited till the classroom emptied out, worrying his lip as he watched one of Andrew’s spies leave the room, slower than others.

“Yes, sir?” he asked as he approached the desk.

The professor was packing up. He gave Dan a quick, fleeting glance.

“The amount of material for you to catch up on is growing. You do realise that?”

Dan didn’t know what words would soothe the situation so he nodded in understanding.

“Your attendance has been spotty, as well. To say the least.” Dan glanced down and the teacher sighed. “If you attend my classes with both your body and spirit, it’ll be easier to understand the material,” he rebuked him but then his voice took on a softer tone and Dan scrunched his eyebrows. “I know what’s happened with Ms Doge but I cannot favour you over the other students because of it.”

Wow. So much for having a personal life.

“I want you to know that you can come to me if anything happens. Unlike some, I do not leave things as they are.”

“That’s good to know,” Dan choked out and Tod raised an eyebrow at that. “Can I go? I’ll be late for my next class.”

The teacher jerked his head in agreement. Dan walked to the door, pushing down the urge to call for help. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Unless he wanted to sign a death slip for Phil. Unless he wanted him to go through the same. Dan flinched at the memory of the knife, of Andrew, of so many students standing by idly, allowing the situation to play out in front of their eyes. He fought not to scratch at the bandage on his arm, hidden securely under his oversized blue sweater.

“Dan?”

He didn’t turn at first because, holy cow, was that his name spoken by Tod who wanted his end?

“Yes? Sir?”

“I really mean it. Don’t hesitate to talk to me if you need help.”

And Dan nodded and he forced himself to leave, to go and put more distance between him and someone who could either salvage the situation or make it thousands times worse.

But Dan couldn’t risk losing Phil forever.

_*** pastel page break flowers ***_

He didn’t walk a few steps until PJ and Chris were all over him, asking questions he didn’t want to answer and offering help he couldn’t accept.

“I know there’s some intense stuff between you and Phil-”

Dan snorted.

“-but we’re here if you need us.”

He managed to shrug off their questions, reassure them. Lying came naturally at this point and Dan didn’t know who he was anymore. Lying to himself about the feelings towards Phil was one thing, but having to _believe_ everything was okay so that others would eat up the lie was some meta shit.

Everyone was there for him.

Will walked on eggshells around him as if Dan could burst out any given second. He didn’t press on but Dan could tell he was on the point of asking about the issue. Dan had no idea which one he preferred.

Most of all, he didn’t want to feel so lonely.

Dan thought he wouldn’t be able to simply stand and lie in Phil’s face. One could suspect that would prove to be impossible after everything they’ve been through together. Unimaginable and unthinkable. However, when Dan came to school on Friday, Phil was waiting for him by his locker, eyebrows drawn together as he seized Dan up and down in one quick glance.

“You’re breaking your own rules,” Dan mumbled for the lack of anything better to say.

Phil winced as if displeased with himself. He did a lot of this lately.

“I know but Peej and-” he cut himself short when Dan rolled his eyes, opened his locker and got out the needed books.

“Yeah, they’re always there to _help_.”

He hated the tone he used because he didn’t mean to be sarcastic. But he didn’t mean to lie to anyone, either, and here he was, trying to convince everyone that all was well.

Dan waited for the question, the one all his friends seemed to ask him but it didn’t come.

He packed into his bag silently, aware that Phil was watching, that _they_ were probably watching, too.

“How long are you grounded for?” he asked because he couldn’t concentrate on anything. The idea that he was going to break Phil’s heart soon just for its beat to carry on – it was disconcerting. Nothing should be this level of fucked up.

Having Phil beside, so close, and yet feeling utterly hopeless about any other way to solve the problem cut down his wings, put down his spirit and made him already feel guilty of what he hadn’t even done.

“Not that sure,” Phil replied. “She wasn’t specific. Sunday, I guess.”

“Cool. Wanna meet then?”

Phil fixed his gaze on him and Dan smiled. Deep down, he felt another part of him fall apart. He was really going to do it. He was about to destroy any possibility and chance they had and do it himself. He felt like a devil in disguise when Phil looked at him so hopefully and Dan knew very well the ending of this story.

“Course,” the boy agreed softly and Dan tore his eyes away, zipped his bag up, and locked his stuff.

He gave a smile he hoped wouldn’t turn into a grimace.

“Three o’clock?”

Phil nodded.

“Sounds good to me.”

“Alright,” Dan said, his head hurting from all the pretend and acting. “See you then. I have Math to catch now.”

“See you, Dan.”

Dan sent him one last smile as he escaped for his class. Self-loathing felt like a long forgotten friend but in that moment, he embraced it one more time. Can’t defeat the enemy? Befriend it, right?

_*** pastel page break flowers ***_

“That’s a shame, Dan. You know?”

Dan stared back at Will.

“Devastating a muffin like that. A decent one, to top it off,” he pointed to Dan’s untouched but ruined raspberry muffin; pecked cruelly with Dan’s fork.

It was Friday.

Dan let out a sigh.

“Sorry, I had little sleep last night.”

Mistake. He hadn’t any.

Will nodded, swallowed his bit of muffin, and sipped on his coffee.

“You shouldn’t fret over it so much,” he said and took another bite of his strawberry muffin. “It will be okay.”

Dan looked down and away.

“Will. Phil and I. . .” His fingers knocked against his mug. “We’re not gonna be together.”

His friend choked on the piece of muffin. When he finally managed to wash it down and stop coughing, he asked, his voice a little strained.

“Bitch, what the fuck?”

Dan raised an eyebrow at the clear reference.

“Well, you’re the one who told me to make the right decision,” he pointed out.

“Duh, but- are you being serious right now? Do you believe in what you’re saying?”

Dan didn’t. But he had to. This was nothing but a re-run of Phil’s and his fake relationship, wasn’t it? Only this time, he had to fake _not_ having feelings towards Phil.

“Dan, I’m asking because I’ve never seen someone as miserable as you this past week.”

Dan let out a breath. His shoulders sagged.

“I just want this to end.”

He truly did. That one bit he didn’t have to fake. And it worked. Will’s expression softened and his forehead smoothed out.

It was fucking unfair that now that he didn’t need to hold his feelings back, he had to destroy everything.

“I know but. . . “ Will drifted off.

“Is this the right decision?” Dan guessed his friend’s train of thoughts. He shrugged. “Who the hell knows anymore?”

“Don’t you want to at least _try_ with Phil? It can work out.”

He couldn’t listen to things like this. Possibilities like these hurt too damn much.

“Maybe yes. Or not,” Dan wanted the conversation to end but at the same time, he really needed somebody to see through all the shit. Why couldn’t Will recognise the lie?

“But?” Will led him on and Dan sighed.

“I just feel that it’s the right thing to do,” he confessed and Will scrunched his nose.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, like a life-and-death situation,” he talked on and his heart sped up. Will stared.

“I really don’t wanna end with broken dreams, you know,” Dan mumbled and Will continued to give him this really unnerving look.

“But Dan, you like him.”

The wound Andrew gave him itched; a reminder of what Andrew was capable of.

He swallowed thickly, the bile of disgust towards himself rising to the very surface.

“Well, I don’t think I can anymore.”

_*** pastel page break flowers ***_

Dan slammed his fists against the wooden front door. He didn’t know whether Phil was in or out. Dan took out his phone and messaged the other, asking about just that. He ruffled his hair and took in a couple breaths. He exhaled and shifted his weight from one foot to the other when the door opened.

“Dan, hey-”

“-we need to talk,” Dan cut to the chase.

With much finesse, he pushed beside Phil and made a beeline for the stairs. Seconds later he was in Phil’s room and the boy followed. Dan turned around and only now did he realise Phil was still in his disgusting muffin pyjamas.

He wanted to smile but he rather frowned at the sight.

“What’s wrong, Dan?”

He looked away. He could not do it. But he had to. He knew.

“Dan?”

He wasn’t the same person anymore. The name meant nothing if the owner himself couldn’t recognise the reflection in the mirror.

“I cheated on you,” he blurted out.

“And I-” he added because Phil simply stared and Dan couldn't do it to him, he hated that but he still did. “And I don't regret it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ending is close and loose ends must connect
> 
> Knock on my Tumblr and say hi to me: superasia8


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